I Need To Vent! Am I Wrong?

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you have to get involved with your step-mothers meds at all? Can you keep yours locked up in a safe and just let her take care of herself?

If i did that, she'd take all 60 in a week and mix all of the xanax if it...she'd be high all the time and i DONT wanna deal with that again.

Me holding them was a boundry or condifion i set up...though my dad keeps saying "well changing the boundry" no.you arent, we all agreed on this ans thats like me saying "well im gonna go get duster to huff and i dont care how you feel about it"

Could you make a new rule that if you think she's high, she has to stay out of the common areas of the apartment?

I guess i could if we had a bigger apartment, 850 sq ft & their room (i have the master) is very tiny and 2) she smokes like a fireplace and since i stopped smoking 8 months ago this has become a no smoking house so she has to go through the livingroom to the backdoor to the screened in porch to smoke.

And i tell my dad to take care of it "she's you're wife and he'll say "i cant make her lay down" or "ah let her sleep.on the porch"...in the middle of the night with the back door unlocked 50 ft from where a home invasion happened and 2 people fot shot. Its why my dad got me my pitbull (the shooting) but what is a person gonna shoot first? My pitbull and then he's of no use to me. Not that my dog is a weapon, he's the sweetest dog in the world but he is protective, of everyone.

 

[Pencil]

You really do have a problem for every solution. I feel I have earned the right to say this as i spent many fruitless years doing exactly that. If you want your life to be different you have to learn to look past the problem to the solution, and not be fixated on and enthralled by the problem.

What do you want your life to look like? Do you know?

 

[Stickler]

...Them living there isn't workable, I don't think.
She won't respect boundaries, like " The door needs to be locked at night in a bad neighborhood." or " You can't be high as a kite."
He won't call her on her shitty behavior, enables it, allows it.

You'd be better off with a sane roommate, in my opinion.

Maybe someone at work ( preferably on a different shift ) needs a place to rent, yeah? Low overlap is ideal.
Is there a company bulletin board you could put a notice on? I hesitate to suggest you place an ad on Craigslist...O.O

You could lock her out there with a key to get in, I suppose...

 

[shimmerz]

You really do have a problem for every solution. I feel I have earned the right to say this as i spent many fruitless years doing exactly that.

This is so true.

At the end of the day, does it really matter if you are wrong? So what if you are? I would rather be wrong and healthy than right and tormented.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

At the end of the day, does it really matter if you are wrong? So what if you are? I would rather be wrong and healthy than right and tormented.

LOL. Sorry, not funny, just made me laugh cause its true. I let people manipulate me, make me feel bad or wrong and you're in. Im easy to manipulate, i have a lot of true "signs" if you will that there are ways a person can 'play' me and i allow it, thinking im the one wrong (thus why i asked the Drs & pharmacist, as they dont see through my 'filter').

Truth is, Im scared to be alone. Scared that if i let my dad go, i wont have anyone and then if i have no one then i wont have anything else (anyone else) to hang on for. My therapist says that im not going to just fall apart or run fast to go huffing duster, but if feels that way.

I know, i should only hang on and get better for me, and no one else. I have a rational part of me that sees some of 'real' reality, but then theres that "devil" in my brain thats louder, screams more, fights back, says over and over "you're bad, no one loves you and you're unloveable, you cant do anything right, you're ugly, you dont deserve anything good, you have to punish yourself, you have to do these rituals....." and it goes on, it races, i cant get it to shut up or to change and i try so SO hard; and then cuz i cant seem to do it, frustrate myself...that in of itself re-enforces itself. "See you cant do anything right".

Its a merry go 'round from hell and its INSANE! I want off the ride but i dont know how to get there or do that and so my brain switches to "if i cant change it and get better then the only way off of this ride is to let it kill me".

Oh god, i dont think anyone but myself and my therapist really knows how hard im trying and fighting and sratching to get out of this constant battle...or rather win it. I know he gets it cuz he says it a lot and describes all the way he sees me trying and fighting to get better most sessions i see him (this site is being one of them).

What do you want your life to look like? Do you know?

I think i know some what, a lot of what i listed above and to 'win' the war thats in my brain. The power struggle 24/7. My rational brain sees it as it is, sees i should have told my dad "she needs to go and if you want to enable her, then thats your choice, but im not doing this anymore" i actually said those words to him last night after i wrote this.

Maybe diaries would be good after all cuz it almost seems like my posts sorta gives me answers; they scare me and have tried to start one a few times but didnt know how to start it. Maybe if i can find words to start it will start to come and be helpful? Ive never been one to cave to fear easy; but do cave to it.

But i want 'normal' & dont want to deal with this constant battle in my head and be able to make friends, to not be terrified of people, to know how to behave around people and behave and act correctly.......i want peace and to be happy. I dont know what it looks like, i never remember not feeling or thinking this way so i dont know what to strive for but i looks at some awesome people on here like yourself and a ton of great people here (i really do listen to you, my "devil brain" fights it) and i try to see those that have gotten better as 'normal' or whats close to it and try to find my way to learn to what a 'good' life looks like. Cuz you cant get to the other side if you dont know where you're going.

Does any of this make sense?

 

[shimmerz]

Does any of this make sense?

Yeah, it does. I had no 'safe' time either. I had to create it myself. I used visualization techniques to figure out what 'safe' to me was. Ended up it was a cave on an island that I could swim to with porpoises. Sounds silly. Took me months to construct it in my head and it changed based on what was going on in my life.

So maybe a question would be; if you could visualize what peace would be in ONE room of your house.... what would it look like? Don't give up if the picture doesn't come to you easily. It might start with a colour on the walls, or a teddy bear, or a chair, or a completely glass room that you can see out of that nobody else can see into. The sky's the limit. Whatever feels 'good'.

It's a process that serves many processes. It allows you to see the difference between peace and drama...takes away the reality of your situation....allows you to attach to looking for good rather than putting out fires all the time....and helps you learn how to visualize. Just a suggestion. This got me a looooong way.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Just a suggestion

And a super good one.

Last night while changing to the samsung browser as i figured out i didnt have the bar in the text field due to my browser (i assume too fast) i ended up on an article about how to let triggers hekp you that @anthony wrote. It talks about imaginary desensitation to triggers (as thats the only way i could do it) and i thought about that, a lot.

How would i create this imaginary trigger from my past? When it comes to triggers, ive only got one identified but i bookmarked the article.

But it made me think of how do i? How do i create this imaginary thing that terrifies me more than anything & ive run from my entire life?

I did create an imaginary world in my head growing up that i would fully disassociate to out of having no other choice. But i cant go there cuz its there where i hide from what scares me, hide from the world, and make excuses to self isolate fully.

I guess what im trying to say, in too many words as usual, is i know i CAN do that, but i dont know how to on purpose and not out of being forced to in order to survive.

Another issue, i think, is i cant be in a quiet room, i cant be alone with my mind and so i think the tv, which is ALWAYS on, would be distracting, or at least at first? When i was able to draw and paint ending in '01, i played some playlists of music. It helped me zero into that one or a few emotions to get on the paper and it would just flow. Does music help?

Im sorry if im asking too many questions. This is new and i dont know how to start or what would help or distract. I seem to way over think everything too... :speechless:

And you know me...but but but :banghead:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I just asked my dad to go to 1 and possible 2 therapy sessions with me. My therapist has no clue (knew i wanted to bring him in but last time we both planned the date) but if anyone can get my dad to see this as it really is or at least see how the the constantly fighting in my house is affecting me.

I do want and need my dad as part of my therapy, he doesnt have to live with me to do that but he is also now 74 and as the only one of his 6 kids that will allow him to stay with them, i want to be there for him. But there is healing that needs to happen there. Anger that needs to be released at my dad (per my therapist) and its easier to do that if he's part of the therapy process.

But i dont want him chained to this either, he does deserve better and i know HE'S making that choice but if ny therapist can help get him out of this denial, its worth a try, right?

Does that sound like a good idea or am i just over thinking it?

 

[shimmerz]

I would build a safe place imagery and get really good at that before I would deal with triggers.

Another issue, i think, is i cant be in a quiet room, i cant be alone with my mind and so i think the tv, which is ALWAYS on, would be distracting, or at least at first? When i was able to draw and paint ending in '01, i played some playlists of music. It helped me zero into that one or a few emotions to get on the paper and it would just flow. Does music help?

You can have anything in your safe place that you want. It is good to be able to distinguish between a quiet room and a noisy room. How loud does music (or whatever) need to be on? What kind of music? etc etc etc. Thing is, nobody else is in your safe place.... just you. That is how you see what you and you alone need for peace.

I would talk to your T about whether you are ready to bring your dad to therapy or not.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You can have anything in your safe place that you want. It is good to be able to distinguish between a quiet room and a noisy room. How loud does music (or whatever) need to be on? What kind of music? etc etc etc.

I mean like in real life, just starting out and never tried to imagine something before, consciencely, does it make it harder if there's a distraction of tv?

It may just depend on the person. I find it easier to draw with music than tv so maybe play music on my phone with headphones locked in my room and imagine this?

I have a hard time even closing my eyes and still feeling safe so start simple like you said, think up of the color of walls, furniture and go from there; like one would imagine what their most beautiful bedroom would be.

I would talk to your T about whether you are ready to bring your dad to therapy or not.

We have, a lot. My dad was in one of my session once. He leave it up to me.

I just didnt know if it would be worth letting my therapist, whom my dad would listen to way before me, try to get my dad to see my step mom for she is, an addict that needs help, as she has him believing all of these lies that presription addicts tell to convince people that they need whatever they are precribed and that they dont really have an issue.

It breaks my heart that my elderly 74 yr old father is dooped by her and is convinced he is helping her, when he is just enabling her; thus 'chained' to this drama.

I have to be clear of boundries though and as someone that is just learning how to make boundries, maybe my therapist can help there too? Was just asking cuz he's only been there once and i didnt discuss this situation with him first, not that he would care, but would it even be worth trying?

I care about my step mom too and want her to get help but i dont know if im over thinking it or not is all.

 

[shimmerz]

like one would imagine what their most beautiful bedroom would be.

Yes, and this is a good opportunity to not overthink stuff. Want a tv? Poof, there is a tv. Want a radio? Poof, there is a radio. Or have both and see what it is that draws you to one or the other on given days. It will change.... and that is okay, because it is teaching you about yourself and what you need. Don't question what you need... just go with it. And add and subtract stuff from the room at will. Do this often. Eyes open or closed. Nothing matters.

I care about my step mom too and want her to get help but i dont know if im over thinking it or not is all.

Probably you can assume at this stage of the game you are overthinking. Sounds like it is your default at this time. That is okay. With your T's guidance, you shouldn't have to think much about it. That is his job. ;)

 

[shimmerz]

does it make it harder if there's a distraction of tv?

Ahhhh, I understand now. You mean while you are visualizing! lol. Silly me. Harder or not, start small.... do what you need to do - tv on or off - whatever you need.