Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Thank you. Amazing that I've worked so hard over the past decade to try to earn some kind of life only to repeatedly have things get worse and worse.

Trying to be Buddhist about it. Aka live in the moment, let go of my attachments. In the end none of this will the what matters, except the grief of losing loved ones. Like my animals, if I lose the house.

It sucks to have to fight for something I was trying to lose. This house.

It has been an awful year. I am a lucky person but everything constantly goes wrong. Trying to view it as the maturity of my human soul.

Still hurts to see people richer and better off than me now, while I'm barely eating. And might lose everything. I don't deserve being rich or homeless or in a warzone or a slave or etc any more than the next person does. But it had been so exhausting year after year after year thinking things can't get worse, only for them to get worse. I no longer trust that things won't get worse. I'm worried about living on the streets and losing everything I own, everyone I love.

A f*cking nuke would be a BLESSING at this point, and that wouldn't help either.

Still. Thankful for what I have in the moment. Just trying to stay hopeful something will work out. But afraid to stop being anxious and afraid I'll start thinking something here is savable only to have my animals need rehoming and have to go through the worst grief I've ever felt, aside from losing my mom, all over again.

No one has the answers, nothing matters, just between states of constant anxiety and complete lack of peace, being afraid of peace in the moment bc it's about to remain beyond painful. I do not trust my own future. I do not trust anything.

I just wanted to move out and get my mom out of here, and now it's all I have if I'm going to stay stable. My life is a joke, and I wish I didn't exist. But I'm trying to appreciate that in itself. I'm probably a special form of crazy now but that's alright. The pain is so terrible

Last week or so was the closest I've come to truly planning my death, but i decided to at least try to live after having a public meltdown/breakdown. Worse than when my previous boss had me working 3 jobs at once including being her wake up maid. Worse than anything. Can't live without my cats. No point.

G-d said he was listening and with me and everyone else though, and people said they'd be upset if I left. Don't want to hurt anyone. And hope to be something at some point that helps others.

It has been so hard. Just trying. There's some hope left at the moment. But am afraid to settle for fear of feeling the pain fresh again

Glad my mom doesn't have to deal with this, I guess.

My suicidalness, though. This is the first time no one made me go to the hospital, ever. No cops called, nothing. Even best friend said he understood. No one will be surprised if this kills me anymore. But they still don't want me to. Taboo almost.

A weird feeling, to know I have more permission from the entire world than ever, and dont have to hide it anymore. Everyone knows. No one thinks hospitals help anymore. That's how hopeless everything has gotten. And yet hoping something works out anyway.

And still purposefully preventing myself from relaxing. I couldn't relax enough to sleep or eat or drink water for three days after I found out I might lose everything and everyone. And I can't handle that twice.

Does weverything fall apart for everyone else like this?

I just hope it all works out. I don't deserve the life I have, any more than anyone else does. I don't deserve more, I don't deserve less. I just hope I can keep the animals. It's all I've been sacrificing everything for.

Just hope it works out and I don't have to say bye to my animals too after all this. Everything has gone wrong, absolutely everything, but still thankful for what I have left

I hope I can escape this country one day. I certainly will when I die, at the least, whenever that happens

Did hang out with family a lot today in a lake beach area and that was helpful

Chillin'

Job said they'd hire but changed their mind after the orientation and told me to try again in seven years. Devastated and feeling hopeless. Just want to keep my animals but starting to think it's not possible anymore

Suicidal thoughts are back. I don't want to live without the animals

I hate myself

littleoc said:

Does weverything fall apart for everyone else like this?

Click to expand...

Yes @littleoc

I'm so sorry :(

I am so sorry too :(

Well that sucks.
Why 7 years?

I'm a bit short on words currently, but hearing you and sitting near.