Deciding whether to report old therapist

I have written on here over the years regarding various difficulties in therapy, especially around the amount of time my therapist would cancel or go on vacations or take leaves.

She had a near death experience last year and sought therapy herself, and in doing so found someone who is trained in brainspotting, emdr, and has extensive practice treating trauma. She told me she wanted to see if this person would do emdr with me to supplement our work. A couple of months into meeting with both of them, my first therapist went away for three weeks. She had texted me that she was going away, with the date (she didn’t want to tell me in person) but didn’t tell me for how long. When I texted asking if she away asking if she was really going to be gone for weeks she said yes and she had told me that. (She hadn’t.)

I halted work with her for a while, asking for a break while I figured out how to handle therapy moving forward and she said she was sorry if I felt lines had been blurred. We then met a few times over the last year to try and wrap things up. But in hindsight (and insight from current T) I’m recognizing how messed up the situation was.

We had a lot of overlapping circles and blurred boundaries. I knew that going in. We live in the same rural area. I Went to the church where her husband was pastor. Craziest of all, my mother had been her therapist years before I initially met with her. Looking back, she shouldn’t have agreed to meet with me at all. But in our area she is known as the best Christian counselor and at the time that was important to me.

During the years I was working with her, my husband began working for her husband at the church. The four of us became friends and would get together at their house, would go out for dinner (where my T would drink and be much different than in the therapy room) and she would tell me a lot about her life, often going on tangents in session, showing me pictures etc. She would say that her role as my therapist came first. And that although it went against what she was taught, she knew what she was doing. And I believed her. I developed a very strong attachment to her. But flip flopped between feeling like her client and feeling like her friend. My friends would tell me to get out and report her. I would talk to her about it and she would said they didn’t understand our relationship. Or they just didn’t like her.

Her husband would tell me how special I was to her. I believed it.

It’s not until a year later working with someone qualified that I realize how messed up the situation was. I had no idea what a difference it would make working with someone qualified to treat me. I don’t have half the issues I had while working with her. She would tell me I had disorganized attachment and abandonment fears and that’s why I would react strongly to all her time off. When in fact I just have a hard time maintaining connection and had to work to re-establish it when she returned and that got exhausting. I spiraled so often because I had no tools. She was the tool. She said she was my lifeline. I was convinced that if I I started with someone new the same thing would happen because the problem was me.

But it hasn’t. My new T is consistent and has boundaries. She has helped me more in a year than previous T did in ten years. I don’t spiral nearly as often because she offers support via extra sessions when needed. If she takes time off she asks me how I’m feeling about it. She helps me understand my reactions and doesn’t get defensive. My old T told me about how she went home to her husband so upset when I cried about her going away, and he reassured her that she was a good therapist. That happened numerous times. This created a dynamic where I felt like I needed to protect her and felt terrible for my reactions (also- breach of confidentiality??) she also contacted one of our mutual friends to check on me once when I wasn’t doing well. So I stopped telling her when I was that low. Which was dangerous.

It recreated the same dynamic I have with my family of shielding them from myself and protecting them. My new therapist diagnosed me with DID, and my old therapist had a meltdown about how she missed it and she was terrible therapist. Meanwhile I was grappling with the diagnosis but felt I had to made her feel better. I cared so much about her. That complicated it all for me.

It has taken this past year for me to learn how real therapy works, and to see all of the complications caused by my old T’s unethical behavior. Not to mention the insane amount of money I spent on sessions. And I’m wondering if I should report her. From what I can tell, breaching confidentially, blurred boundaries, and practicing outside of their scope of qualification are all reportable. But I continued to work with her so I feel like much of it is on me?

It has caused so much grief, ending that relationship that was in some ways my world for the last ten years. I want to make sure no one else has to go through that and she only treats people she’s qualified to treat…

My neighbour is a Christian therapist and probably believes very much in what she has to offer-but I’d never see her, period. Mostly because I view her beliefs just in neighborly chats to be a bit loopy. I have no doubt that if I saw her for help and then saw her in the yard that would blur the lines. But I already know that. Perhaps, being where you were in the beginning you didn’t know the boundaries and are hearing right now they were knowing crossed. Sometimes especially in Canada almost anyone in the church sector can hang out a shingle after a few certifications. Same with some counseling places and they charge the same as my psychologist does. I think you’d have to know her certification to know if she was bonfires certified. If so then these should have been established and kept right from the get go. But part of me is asking HOW? You and your husband both entered into relationships outside of therapy that muddied this making me think your new T is the one teaching boundaries. If you are doing well with this T, learn from what happened and move into continuing to get work done. I say that because once you start the reporting you need support for what you go through in the reporting phase, which takes away from current growth. This whole thing would be difficult to Seuss out who did what and who allowed it.

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you have had that experience. She absolutely, completely and utterly, failed you and worked way way way outside of professional boundaries.

You have already listed all the ways, but just to say what I have heard from your post. She has done:
Dual relationships
Emotional manipulation
Breaking confidentiality
Making you responsible for her feelings
For 10 years.
What a painful awful experience for you.

Therapist should do no harm. And she has done plenty. She sabotaged your health and safety for her own needs.

Should you report? That really is entirely up to you. You absolutely have grounds to.

What is stopping you from reporting?
How would it feel not to report or to report?
The fact you are asking seems to me that you want to but something is holding you back.

You really really have grounds to report.

I’ve gone to church all these years. We’re Baptists I’m sure I don’t have to explain that I could’ve said Christian . I was just writing about this.

I arrived at they aren’t mental health counselors in the church. This is a loaded statement of course. That was how I avoided what you went through and of course the church people say oh you don’t need that or you don’t need those meds. Nothing easy about it. My current therapist is Jewish which I like because at least she understands somewhat. Most of my other therapists had severely biased views on “religion and or spirituality”. It’s difficult if you’re trying to maintain a ? Christian perspective of any sort.

I go to mental health providers for my mental health and I go to church. I don’t expect to discuss my mental health with them I’m 67 probably ever again except in the most general manner. I hope it all works out and I’m glad your post came up.

If you can, report her.

If you can't, that is fine as well.

Take care of yourself.

You have been through so much.

She is a licensed mental health counselor in my state. She’s a Christian as well. But I didn’t see her in the church.
I guess what’s holding me back is that she didn’t mean to hurt me. She’s very warm and caring. But hasn’t done enough of her own work.
And, I ignored the red flags.
And, it’s a year later.

NightSky said:

I guess what’s holding me back is that she didn’t mean to hurt me.

Click to expand...

Intention is such a tricky thing. And I wonder if that is you taking the responsibility for her?

You needed her to be aware of her behaviour, whether she intended it or not.
Her role requires her to be aware , whatever her intention.


There shouldn't have been red flags for you to notice or ignore. That's where the issue lies, not whether you ignored them or not or how much time has passed.

Whatever you decide , do what's right for you. Not for her or trying to help her. But helping yourself.

Sorry to read this @NightSky

Is she a member of a body that you could report her through eg BACP or UKCP?

I guess the point of reporting would be to stop her potentially causing harm to someone else? I don’t think it really matters whether the harm has been/is intentional on her part.

And reporting doesn’t mean that she will necessarily be shut down/banned from practising etc. It might be decided that she needs to engage a therapist or supervisor herself, or that she needs to undertake further training or refresh her qualifications etc.

Are you still in touch with your her eg through your local church or socially with your husbands?

I certainly think there are grounds to report her from what you’ve shared her. I imagine (I don’t know as I’ve never done it!) that the process may be difficult, stressful and upsetting for you as well as her. So, I think the question around whether or not to report also comes down to whether you think you can face that?

I’m glad that you now have another therapist and that she is effective and helping you.

Thank you all for your input. It has made me consider why I would report. I have a friend in my state who is a therapist and he said it’s possible to fill out an anonymous report, and that information would be visible to people who search online for the therapist. So I was thinking of going down that route, because I don’t want it to happen to other people.
She does have supervision now. She didn’t when she was seeing me. But I believe her fundamental view on the blurred boundaries is that she knows how to handle it. And it’s very possible she doesn’t know the hurt and confusion it can cause.
Maybe it would be better if I wrote her a letter. I know she would read it. We are still on good terms. But I had a resurgence of anger when I asked if I could go in to get some of my things and she let me know she was taking the month off to deal with her grown kids and parents. And it made me crazy knowing clients who are seeing her are now without care for the month and probably feeling like they should be fine with it, when I know some aren’t (because I know some of them).