”she tried to anger me”

[Justmehere]

I was raised by an abusive jerk that everyone danced around, and a feminist who was too scared to act on what she said she believed.... My faith leaves room for equal leading or the men to lead in a way that sacrifices for the woman... I've been scared into fawning (being passive and appeasing) during active abuse... but outside of that, "no" usually comes easily. Frankly, too easily. In therapy, we have be working on saying "yes" more.

The last guy I dated was the result of online dating. One time, he put his hands where I didn't want them at the time. I said no, not now, and moved his hands. He tickled me, and continued to put his hands where I did not want them again. My "no"s after that were full of laughter... and fear. He kept tickling me. I said no and fought him off until l got away... and went home. Texted him to end it. "No" in person meant nothing... so yeah, he was going to get a break up on text. A***HOLE. He said he was sorry, and I had no desire to go back to him. I told him to "F*ck off” and never contact me again. When he continued to try to apologize, I told him all further contact would be forwarded to the police. He left me alone after that.

This guy now? He runs a company, and is perhaps used to telling people what to do. Last week, he sent me a message saying we could be lonely together and asked what kind of house I wanted to build... huh? He didn't talk about our house, and I am not trying to build any house, so... it was confusing. I don’t think I understand it... ?

He also sent me poetry - Yeats - and other sweet things. It was weird, but I must admit, nice for a moment to get such messages. But I’ve been here before and it was just fine to say no.

I am lonely. Every time I want to say yes to a conversation with him, I’m contacting someone else instead.

 

[blackemerald1]

That's so weird. I'm not ticklish. But I learned to never tell a male this because it was seen as a challenge and then led to them 'trying' various parts of my body to see if I really was not ticklish. (Read prelude to a grope) I had to get harsh about it all and then I learned just not to tell anyone. People are strange...:confused:

 

[mumstheword]

I was raised by an abusive jerk that everyone danced around, and a feminist who was too scared to ac...

Maybe you're just really scared? And need to find out a bit more, to see if your fear is rally warranted?
Discard if not applicable.

 

[Abstract]

I have learnt the hard way to always look for red flags when it comes to people listening to what I don't want. Many of those lack of listening situations aren't that important if it has never progressed to anything more sinister. I am however of the belief at this point in my life that its always better to look at the early signs as they say a lot. That said I think it can be a perfectly normal healthy thing to try to win someone back if you like them. Depending on how that is done. Just not comfortable for those of us who have been in tricky circumstances in the past. I used to have a real lack of being able to do this in the past. Always rational but with a big serving of over empathising with the other viewpoint.

My red flags for this guy if it was me? Admitted history of violence. He may be all better and worthy of a second chance but I'm not taking that chance. His acknowledgement that he still feels at risk of reverting. I actually do know there are people who thrill on get people angry (not including your normal child response to a horrible situation) so am open minded to that being a possibility but am not open to someone who has history as am not taking that chance. In the past would always be open but am now accepting I don't have it in me to go there again so no.

Houses, poetry and success are irrelevant when it comes to true functionality in a human being. Well done to you for throwing the "tickler" out. Innocent or not, lonely is better than many other things.

 

[shimmerz]

I try to say no on my terms early in the relationship with something that doesn't matter a ton to me. It keeps me in my body and I can assess in the moment what that person's reaction is. Then, if I really need to say no when the chips are down and something has triggered me, I have a bit of a baseline as to whether that person can be trusted to honour my no.