12 Steps For PTSD & My Intro

[seaworthy]

I drink in dissociated states, in which I am either unaware of what I’m doing, or watching from outside my body, or like I’m in a dream state and/or have no executive control over obtaining/drinking alcohol. After alcohol gets into my body, the craving of the allergy-addiction of alcoholism sets in and I can’t stop.

I began having these ‘spells’ in 1991, following severe head injuries paired with prolonged, imprisonment and psychological trauma. I identify myself as having complex-PTSD with dissociated identities and Stockholm Syndrome, as well as an alcoholic.

I am seeking a way and a group with whom I can maintain sobriety and heal the Traumas that have defined my life. I am not able to apply the 12 steps as written for the alcoholic only, due to my dissociation and uncontrolled hyper-arousal re-livings. I am interested in utilizing a version of the 12 steps written for PTSD (pasted below). I am interested too in utilizing a type of ‘self-EMDR’ combined with energy medicine technique that I’ve found helpful in identifying and integrating the many Traumas I have been through.

Although I have a substantial background in dissociation and PTSD, this is a whole new ball game for me personally. I am scared, want to continue to deny the facts of my conditions, and avoid anything from a past that I can only remember as staccato scenarios. I welcome input, support, friends and knowing others who have been similarly afflicted.

Twelve Steps for PTSD

1. We admitted we were powerless over the-Trauma(s) and it's effects;
and that our lives had becomes unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a loving Power greater than ourselves could heal
us and restore us to a sound mind.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God
as we understood God.

4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves, the Trauma(s),
and it's effects on our lives.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being our
strengths and our weaknesses and our role in the Trauma(s).

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all our defects of character and the debilitating consequences of the Trauma(s).

7. Humbly asked God to remove all our defects of character and the
self-defeating consequences of the Trauma(s).

8. Made a list of all people we may have harmed (of our own free will),
especially ourselves and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would result in physical, mental, emotional or spiritual harm to ourselves and/or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong and/or were behaving or thinking in patterns still dictated by the Trauma(s) promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we interpreted God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others like us, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 

[amethist]

Hi seaworthy

Welcome to the forum

I can see by your post you have been struggling for a long time with all of this.

Maybe with help, advice and support of this forum, you will be able in time to move further forward with everything. Even being able to eventually except all the facts of your condition.

There will be members on here who can identify with you, they will let you know who they are and tell you how they managed to change things for the better.

Good luck and take care.

Amethist

 

[rjtransient]

seaworthy,

Welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry for what you've been going through for all these years. It's encouraging that you've found some techniques that seem to be helping you.

I don't drink too often these days, but I have a personal understanding of the dangerous interplay between addiction and dissociation. I think you'll find people to relate to here, and hopefully you'll find these forums a useful resource. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[tryintobreathe]

Seaworthy,

Welcome the forum. I have found the 12 steps have helped me live with my PTSD. I really felt welcomed to this forum the same way I did when I found Narcotics Anonymous. Just like in 12 step programs, part of your recovery is "giving back". I have gotten a lot out of helping others. I hope you can get some support and help here. I am quite sure you will if it's what you are looking for. There are so many amazing people here.

Jen

 

[seaworthy]

Thanks For Your Replies

Thanks for your replies to my Intro post.

I have not found anyone in AA/NA who will/can even conceive of dissociation, the dynamics/effects of C-PTSD and how the switching of my consciousness into other states (identities) is even real. I've been told that I'm just making all this up as an 'excuse' to drink. I try to explain that in terms of my dissociative episodes in which some other part or function of me drinks, that I am not like an alcoholic who has an integrated consciousness.

I got sober in the 80's and got to live in the promises of the steps for a number of years, until the brain injuries/Trauma. I could sit down back then and write a 4Th step. I don't even know where/how to start now. My memory and the effects of the extreme, prolonged and bizarre Trauma I've been exposed to leave me no sense of a 'self' or an "I" to inventory. I have really tried this last year to get sober, only to find about every two weeks that I split off and discover that 'alcohol' got in my body again. A program member will ask me 'why I didn't call someone' and all I can say is that "I" wasn't the one who took the first drink; "I" wasn't even there or else I watched helplessly from outside my body.

I don't know how to control the switching and I don't how to stay sober with the switching.

 

[anni]

Hi Seaworthy,

I was introduced to the idea of the 12 steps in connection with C-PTSD by my ( now sadly retired) therapist some years ago. Initially, as in for a really, really long time I just completely dismissed the idea that it could possibly be useful as a tool for healing from this. At the time, it felt like I'd be adding humiliation on top of humiliation, especially to admit the harm I'd caused to others. I wasn't an alcoholic, I was the one who'd been abused and traumatized, so how, I thought, could this possibly be for me? The thought then was just so upsetting and I reacted so badly to it that my therapist dropped it.

It is only recently that I was able to again read these steps and process their possibilites in connection with this dam PTSD. It required being what felt like brutal with myself, although of course it is only attempting to be clear-sighted. I have to say that while I am genuinely still too scattered in thought and method to be able to implement them in their entirety, I have been able to look at the reasons my therapist considered them of value in healing and found them very, very valid.

Perhaps I'll never be able to 'get it together' to organize myself into having the 12 steps as the tool with which the PTSD will be bludgeoned, but it's been entirely eye-opening to have had to acknowledge their value.

Thank you for the thread, and take care,

Anni

 

[TLight]

The 12 steps works wonders for many people. For that I'm truly glad for them and the hard work they put into their recovery.

I attended AA for years, even though I was not an alcoholic. I felt that I was in turmoil and I met a few other people like me, mainly woman, who as it turned out, had been severely abused.

Now, I consider myself a person of outstanding character. Because of my abuse I go out of my way not to hurt, use, condemn, judge, or otherwise treat others poorly. In addition, I'm pretty much totally opposite of selfish.......I'm a little better now in putting myself first when needed. But I still wouldn't consider myself selfish.

After several years trying to fit into AA, I met many people who WERE truly of poor character, could not or would not own up to the ways they treated themselves and others, could not see their own selfishness, and were medicating for many reasons........some childhood abuse, some just plain bad attitudes and an inability to tolerate society.

These people abused me over and over. Because I was a 'victim' still, I was victimized by many of them. Finally........after trying to be an even 'better' person than I already was for years.........this obviously was not helping me.

I crashed and finally got into therapy. After the programming in AA that I was selfish, egotistic, character flawed and out of control..........which I wasn't any of these mind you........I was just in a ton of pain. WEll, they programmed me to think of myself as more flawed and deserving of bad treatment!

It really did a ton of damage to me.

The first thing my therapist said was, "Mental illness is NOT a character flaw. AA addresses people who have serious character flaws, some may even have mental illness.......but the way to address emotional pain is to work through it.........not pass it off as turning it over to a higher power. The pain does not usually go away that way."

I don't know..........I say, buyer BEWARE. Especially if your self esteem is fragile......adding more recrimination and blame to yourself when you are a victime of trauma is dEFINATELY NOT the answer.

 

[TLight]

Just one more thing.

In AA they talk about 'blaming' others and not owning up to your own flaws and weaknesses. Well, blaming others for your set backs indeed does not bring about positive change.

However, in the first stages of healing..........I HAVE EVERY RIGHT AND FREEDOM TO BLAME MY ABUSERS FOR SCREWING ME UP.........after awhile, that blame subsides. But I think it is an important part of healing.............

AA screwd me up on this also.

I hope it helps those who can truly benefit from the program.

 

[suzie q]

Hello seaworthy and welcome..

I hear what you are saying about your addiction and your fragmenting. I have been there and still continue to attend meetings 2-3 times/week. I have 14 years sober Jan 1.

I hear what you are saying about people in your meeting who can't understand what's happening to you. I suggest that you find those who have been in the military or have been in a war to kinda understand. I tried to put together a meeting for PTSD sufferers and had some success until everyone started triggering each other and the meeting split. I still have people in AA who know I have PTSD and they do also. We try to share without zoning out.

My biggest enemy in my fight to gain control over all my mental disorders was the fragmenting. I had 4 seperate people and it was rough to concentrate on anything productive. Some wanted to hurt me and some where protectors. The alcohol and drugs kept me forever dissociating and even though I felt like some of my symptoms were controllable, the addiction took over completely and kept me from truly looking for help.

Before I could work on my addiction I had to level myself with psych help. I eventually stopped the drinking/drugging even though I was still fragmented. The healing from that took more time. I had to be careful too because my addiction illness liked to keep me believing that I had no choice. I would never survive without the self medicating. Doing a 4th step at that time was impossible. I had to actively work the first three steps every day and attend meetings even if I had relapsed. The point is to never give up working on your addictions. I used the blame game for a lot of years feeling like if I could only get a doctor to medicate me right, I wouldn't partake in the self medicating. Dealing with the symptoms of addiction is a minute by minute thing and should be done with thankfulness and humility. I had to break the chain of negativity in my mind and learn new thoughts and new people to help me in a positive direction. I had to listen to ALL critism to see if I could change my outlook.

Listen to all suggestions, process them in an honest way, and throw out the stuff that doesn't pertain to you. Look for professional help and always stay openminded. You will hear your answers in the most unlikely places. If I can help, please let me know.:thumbs-up

 

[anni]

Tlight,

That is a whole bunch of also really valid points. Wow! The self-esteem issue, for one thing, is of course HUGE for the PTSD sufferer-I dislike myself most days enough without validation on that point. I have to re-read and re-evaluate. I think I'm really, really ready to heap blame on myself for pretty much anything ( like so many of 'us') and so this may look actually attractive! Good heavens how wierd is that?

Sigh. No doubt the answers are in what Suzie Q said in closing, where one can process things in an honest way and throw out what doesn't pertain to oneself. I FEEL like the problem in the 12 steps would probably be in being able to know what really does pertain to ones healed self or ones self as defined fined by PTSD. The PTSD self is already defined by a really dreadful self image and would does not require help from anyone to further bludgeon who I sometimes think I am.

Thanks for the tales from the also-non-addict perspective.

Take care,

Anni