14 Years And Finally Saying No More!

[AngelaMarie]

Anthony,

What you said makes complete sense.

He became much more passive aggressive and destructive as I got better. When I found the forum and also started making friends for the first time since I got to this country he started lashing out so much. Sometimes it has been as if I am under constant attack. He has tried everything possible to stop me from getting better. However, it has had the opposite effect. I just realized more and more how I finally had outgrown the abuse. It just made me more determined to get better. Even though I am exhausted and having lots of physical problems at this point I truly can not and will not do the sick little abuse dance with him anymore.

I can't even imagine having a relationship with anyone new. I am so hurt and I feel so unworthy at this point I don't know if I will ever heal. Gosh, I hope I get over that someday! Right now I will settle for having my boys and my friends in my life, the forum, learning the language, etc.

 

[anthony]

Unfortunately that is something that tends to go hand in hand with recovery... people don't like change for the better, when there used to you being a certain way.

Its like changing from passive to assertive, your friends expect you to serve them, so as you become assertive, they most likely won't be your friends any more... this includes partners.

Same as aggressive... your circle of friends, even partner, may mimic and relate to aggression primarily, and when you change to be assertive, suddenly you realise how destructive they are, thus telling them or not spending time with them, and the relationships break down.

When a person is changing their behaviour, then the partner usually must be prepared and accept change, providing it is positive change, not negative. Our behaviours are usually slow... so when we heal, those around us if they don't want change will do exactly as you stated, and do everything in their power to keep you at their level, where they feel in control and comparable with you.

Human nature. It gets worse if in a violent relationship, basically passivity may be the only thing saving a person from a beating, and if they suddenly tried to change and assert themselves, the violence would get worse... so the most assertive response in such a situation is to leave it completely, then continue to rebuild self esteem and assertiveness values.

 

[Srain]

I agree with Anthony here, so if you find this you are doing something RIGHT!!! I'm so proud of you and what you are doing. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, we often are so use to the uncomfortable that we find it familiar so we are the fortunate ones that stay "hopeful" while the ugly people that abuse us continue down the road of losing all hope of ever becoming kind, giving people.

You are a strong, loving, giving, hopeful woman, that has everything to be proud of! The number one thing being is that
in spite of everything you have not lost sight of your ability to believe in love and other people. That is a true miracle after so much abuse and unfair treatment, that makes you the stronger better person.

I didn't find the love of my life until I was in my 40s :) I left an extremely abusive relationship after 11yrs. I fought for 2 yrs getting that divorce. I finally decided for myself what kind of person I wanted in my life and stopped letting people decide to be in my life. It was a huge little decision. I decided I was worth that nice guy. You are too.

(((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

Rain

 

[Ron]

You did the right thing ( as stressful as it is). Now you can soar and enjoy life.

 

[KP the nut]

AngelaMarie, you are an amazing friend and mother, maybe that should be mother and friend.

You know why.

((HUGHEST HUGS))
KP

 

[mamachick]

AngelaMarie, I am glad for your decision-I know it must have been a difficult one but it sounds like your good health and desire for happiness has outgrown him-good for you

 

[Sethe]

AM:

Good for you for taking care of yourself! I agree that it is difficult to break out of an abusive/controlling/toxic relationship.

Celebrate your new freedom!

 

[AliveInside]

Unfortunately that is something that tends to go hand in hand with recovery... people don't like change for the better, when there used to you being a certain way.

Its like changing from passive to assertive, your friends expect you to serve them, so as you become assertive, they most likely won't be your friends any more... this includes partners.

Same as aggressive... your circle of friends, even partner, may mimic and relate to aggression primarily, and when you change to be assertive, suddenly you realise how destructive they are, thus telling them or not spending time with them, and the relationships break down.

When a person is changing their behaviour, then the partner usually must be prepared and accept change, providing it is positive change, not negative. Our behaviours are usually slow... so when we heal, those around us if they don't want change will do exactly as you stated, and do everything in their power to keep you at their level, where they feel in control and comparable with you.

Human nature. It gets worse if in a violent relationship, basically passivity may be the only thing saving a person from a beating, and if they suddenly tried to change and assert themselves, the violence would get worse... so the most assertive response in such a situation is to leave it completely, then continue to rebuild self esteem and assertiveness values.

Great post Anthony!!!