J
jimepe
Hello,
I'm 19 years old and I began seeking help 3 years ago as a senior in high school. I was born into an unfortunate home: my father was a criminal, drug addict, alcoholic and abuser. I watched him beat my little sister, my mother and endured the pain myself. After being kidnapped, abused and watching our house burn down, my mother finally smuggled my sister and I into a women's shelter towns away from him. I was young then. We had nothing except a mother we believed to be our saviour...until the effects of the trauma were too much for her to bear and I slowly watched her lose her mind. At first it was depression, then rage, and then paranoia, and by the time I was a teen she had us convinced that we were lucky to receive the torture she inflicted because it was far less than our father would have caused.
The first time I experienced dissociation, a full mental breakdown, constant panic attacks...I was 12. By the time I turned 17 I dropped in and out of dissociative states for days, I hated myself as much as she hated me, and my thoughts, dreams and memories increased that torture more than she ever could. I followed her patterns and got into a relationship that mimicked the abuse I'd been accustomed to and then I finally lost the rest of my bearings later that year when I witnessed a murder on an international school trip. The school intervened and I spent my remaining high school months learning about mental illness and how to trust rather than finishing my AP courses.
Since then I have come to university, regularly meet with a doctor and psychologist and work daily on understanding my symptoms. It's not easy and some days there are terribly dark hours, but for the most part I function daily. I've met a wonderful man who's been my greatest support and encouragement for the last year. As incredible as he is, there are some days where even he cannot manage the stress I can put on those I love, but I'm lucky to say he works as hard as I do at not giving into the syndrome. I don't know what the future holds, but I don't want to give up on the healing process and today I feel like giving up. Instead, I thought I'd reach out. Hello, fellow sufferers and supporters.
I'm 19 years old and I began seeking help 3 years ago as a senior in high school. I was born into an unfortunate home: my father was a criminal, drug addict, alcoholic and abuser. I watched him beat my little sister, my mother and endured the pain myself. After being kidnapped, abused and watching our house burn down, my mother finally smuggled my sister and I into a women's shelter towns away from him. I was young then. We had nothing except a mother we believed to be our saviour...until the effects of the trauma were too much for her to bear and I slowly watched her lose her mind. At first it was depression, then rage, and then paranoia, and by the time I was a teen she had us convinced that we were lucky to receive the torture she inflicted because it was far less than our father would have caused.
The first time I experienced dissociation, a full mental breakdown, constant panic attacks...I was 12. By the time I turned 17 I dropped in and out of dissociative states for days, I hated myself as much as she hated me, and my thoughts, dreams and memories increased that torture more than she ever could. I followed her patterns and got into a relationship that mimicked the abuse I'd been accustomed to and then I finally lost the rest of my bearings later that year when I witnessed a murder on an international school trip. The school intervened and I spent my remaining high school months learning about mental illness and how to trust rather than finishing my AP courses.
Since then I have come to university, regularly meet with a doctor and psychologist and work daily on understanding my symptoms. It's not easy and some days there are terribly dark hours, but for the most part I function daily. I've met a wonderful man who's been my greatest support and encouragement for the last year. As incredible as he is, there are some days where even he cannot manage the stress I can put on those I love, but I'm lucky to say he works as hard as I do at not giving into the syndrome. I don't know what the future holds, but I don't want to give up on the healing process and today I feel like giving up. Instead, I thought I'd reach out. Hello, fellow sufferers and supporters.
