2 Fights 20 Minutes

[Virtues]

I posted here last week when I found out I had a TBI. Turns out there also diagnosing me with GAD. I'm starting to feel a little crazy today.

I walked into our clinic today and about throttled a sailor for giving me a dirty look. I contracted a gastro-intestinal bug that's going around and spent all last night throwing up and shitting my pants. After going to the clinic today I went to pick up my meds and ended up sitting there for 1 hour and 14 minutes where I pleasantly shit myself again while waiting. after seeing 20 people who came in after me get their meds and walk out I went up to say something.

This jackass turned around and they were right behind him, who knows how long they had been sitting there. I about lost my shit, but not before he stopped me so he could finish texting. I slammed my hands down on the counter and brought out the flipped shit.

Then on my way home I started a fight at the intersection by my house. I'm pretty sure I have successfully turned into that crazy Vet. I just want a war to go back to, does that seem strange? Things weren't crazy over there, they made sense. I told my doc I was afraid I was going to hurt someone, and yet I'm on the same meds. Wonder if they'll take me serious now.

I wonder if there's anyway I can return back to my job and become a functioning member of the military?

Oh yeah, almost got charged with disorderly conduct today, luckily my boss knows I'm crazy and he's looking out. Don't know how much longer this can go on.

 

[InsideAWord]

First off, I want to say that I'm sorry for your horrible experience at the pharm and that you feel like you're not being heard. We're here to listen to you and I hope next time is a better experience for you. Sickness, when you're affected both mentally and physically, does make for a bad mood and ultimately bad day. Do you live alone? Could anyone else have picked up the meds for you while you stayed in and tried to get better?
Second, did you try any grounding strategies? Have you had any explosive rage episodes before? Were you calm when the cops came? Try to think of ways to prevent this from happening again in the meantime while you wait for a med change.

 

[Virtues]

I have a wife and three girls, they were all sick. We all started throwing up within hours of one another.

I'm so tired of being such a dick! I'm a complete an utter fool every time I'm in public. Restaurants, stores, parades, festivals, carnivals. I can't go anywhere without finding some jerk there to hem up and then make an even a bigger jerk out of myself. My wife is embarrassed of me. And, when I'm doing it, it's some type of vigilantly justice that I would be morally wrong not to handle.

I've turned into a scum bag. I just want to be normal again. I don't know what happened to my brain but it doesn't work right anymore. All I want to do is fight all the time. It never slows down. My youngest daughter use to be able to reel me in, but the other day, even with her in the car with me, I flew down the road to cut someone off who was driving slow in the fast lane and blocking traffic.

I want to be able to hold my girls and love them without visions of killing someone else flashing through my head like a slide show. There is no way this is normal. Even when I was deployed, I didn't want to hurt people, I wanted to protect them. I was ready to do what was necessary, but I didn't wish that.

Now I patrol every corner looking for a fight like I'm Batman or something. I am not right in the head anymore. Is it normal for these fits of rage to go on for this long? It's been almost a year? I'm starting to think I'm not coming back from this rabbit hole.

 

[InsideAWord]

What does your T say about the rage episodes?

 

[arfie]

Rage is one of my toughies, too. It feels kinda like my brain is giving me non-stop shots of adrenaline, leaving me with all the mental capacity of a crack head. Self-replicating... Self-escalating...

I have made considerable progress taking it one rage at I time and treating it like a problem rather than a solution. I get myself into serious trouble when I let my rage be recruited for "noble causes." Not to knock any noble causes, but my rage is too unpredictable to solve anything. I save the noble causes for more rational moments. I have acquired a whole tool box to help me get from a rage to a rational moment.

I still have rages and am still a vindictive moron under the influence of a rage, but I am spending more and more time outside the rabbit hole.

 

[franciemarnie]

Your brain did get effected. That's the thing. That's what trauma can do.

But knowledge is power. Your level of stress is so high all the time - fight or flight high with adrenalin flooding - that anything can be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I have to work out every day to release the stress hormones. Then I can deal with stuff more normally. Mindfulness of my body states have taught me the warning signs of an imminent blow up so I can walk away before I do anything stupid.

We don't have to act on the rage.

 

[Virtues]

I feel like I've turned into an adrenaline junkie too. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I definitely don't have control over my emotions anymore and it's scary.

What's the next step, do I need to walk away from everything all together? Anything that elevates my adrenaline level? I feel like everything I love; my job, sports, guns, even driving could all end up in disaster. I don't want to end up hurting someone.... or worse

Do I find a zen temple to live out my days? Move my family to Bangladesh. I really don't know. All I know is I'm not grounded, and I'm progressively getting worse.