2 Years Since The Sociopath

[EvenStrongerNow]

And I'm still on the throes of PTSD. All this time, I've been revisiting the past of my childhood as a way to punish myself. I was trying to find out why I stayed with the sociopath for so long. I was blaming myself all this time :(

I had a sense of self and esteem before that experience. I didn't have nightmares. I didn't relive anything except positive life experienced. I was emotionally stable and had worked through my childhood. I had a lot of friends, I had dreams about the future, and I had hope.

Being involved with a Sociopath changed my whole world. I used to trust people. I used to believe there was good in everyone. I used to be an extrovert. I used to be bright eyed and bushy tailed. There are so many things I used to be that I can't seem to keep ahold of anymore.

I didn't know such people existed. I'll never be the same.

I have been in denial this whole time about my experience with this monster, internalizing everything thinking that if I keep blaming myself, if I search to find something wrong with me, or a reason why this happened, then somehow that will justify what happened to me or resolve the pain that I feel so deeply.

I'm crying as I type this because I am finally feeling sad for how long I've carried on in this never ending cycle of self sabotage. It just hurts so bad. All this time I've been trying to cope with the pain. I feel so much shame. I feel like a fool for staying. I feel like a loser because I eventually stopped fighting. I feel like a failure because I wasn't as resilient as I should've been.

I blame myself for the depression and letting my new fear of people isolate me. There is so much more. I wish I could go back and take back my offer to get him some more punch at the church movie night.

 

[Alexia]

People are here for you. Don't be so hard on yourself. Everybody has good days and bad days. Today is just a bad day for you. It's not your fault. Self-blame is natural. You did nothing wrong, he did. All you have to do is redirect your negative self-talk to positive self-talk.

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Your story is so similar to mine. I grew up in the Church/small town where everyone knew people. I was involved with a Sociopath at age 19. Ever since then my world changed! I also never knew people like this existed.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I just woke up to the fact I was married to a narcissist. You feel so tricked and shocked when you find out that they were so evil! Sorry for everyone that has to deal with this type of personality disordered person. The one thing is it makes so much sense once you realize it. I am so angry cause it caused my PSTD and I will never be the same. I also had no idea that Sociopath or narcissist existed.

 

[Spiderallis]

It's hard, but don't forget how talented those type of people are manipulating others- it's their specialty. You were up against something you weren't prepared for. You didn't go into things expecting the other person to use deceitful tricks, so you weren't on guard against the ways they hurt you. That's not your fault at all. I'm sorry so many people have gone through this sort of horrible stuff. I have too.

It was helpful for me to think of my abuser's condition as a contagious form of crazy. I'm not sure if it's the best way to put it, but I know he was ill and I have symptoms from being in contact with his sickness.

 

[anonymous]

It was helpful for me to think of my abuser's condition as a contagious form of crazy.

I love this analogy! I have to be in contact very little with the x thankfully. Some times my children exhibit the traits. Thanks! Here all those years he would have had me believing I was crazy!
TB

 

[therapybankrupt]

Opp's that was me TB. Pushed the wrong button! LOL

 

[ggsparky]

You sound so much like me. I'm super pick my self back up and forget the bad but its annoying because you can't tell your brain to stop having nightmares or flashbacks unless you deal with the problem. The problem is no one deserves to be treated like that whether you had a little bit of a problem or not. You sound like a strong girl, you'll once again be okay, its possible.

 

[mamachick]

I have been involved with one sociopath for certain, and likely a second. They are smart and smooze their way into your life. It is not lack of intellegence, they often capture the hearts of highly intellegent women.

I have worked on this in therapy and discovered that it is my emotional state that makes me a bad picker of men and until something changes, I would not get into any relationship. These two men were very different in every aspect, (appearance, job, education, personality, etc). The only common thread was that they appeared to be protective of me, doting , nurturing. They are very perceptive and hone in on what we need and like a cameleon are able to play the role needed to draw us in. They often play on our empathy also to keep us hooked awhile.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I am revisiting old threads that I wrote. Thanks everyone who responded to this. I needed to read this again today.