20 Years Of Pain.

[Pefectpagan84]

Everyday is a constant battle between good and evil. Every morning I wake up determined not to let the PTSD win and within 5 minutes it's taken over.....again. I was diagnosed with PTSD at age 12 (I'm now 32). People thought it was the "teenage" years and that I would "snap out of it". Little did they know the war I was battling inside my head. I withdrew from everything and everyone. I became angry and volatile about everything. I wanted to turn back time to before I became this person.i was sent to counselling and never followed it through because I thought I knew what was best and I didn't want some stranger in my head judging me! Over the years I've been diagnosed with depression,anxiety,anti social personality disorder,ocd,hallucinations,reactive attachment disorder,paranoia,social anxiety and noise anxiety. I have a "safe person" that is my boyfriend. I did have two,the other being my mum,but after she said "I don't know why you let your anxiety get to you" I have distanced myself from her as I don't need people around me that don't understand my daily fight. I know PTSD is part of me and I've had it so long that I'm used to it. I can't remember a time I felt "normal". To me PTSD is "normal". It's the flashbacks,the voices,the depression,the isolation. Talking of isolation,thats something I'm totally ok with. I have no friends and only go out when I have to. I need to feel safe and that is in my flat with my bf and my dogs. I don't trust anyone thats why I have no friends. I'm so use to getting close to people and then hurting me that I don't let myself get close to people. Even if I do let people get close I hurt them before they hurt me (that's my attachment disorder coming out according to my shrink) I have a failed marriage and I've cheated on my current bf countless times. I have no real reason for this apart from wanting to hurt them like I hurt everyday (again this is the a.d). I don't mean to do it and I'm trying my best to stop because I need my bf. So,in a nutshell, PTSD is winning and I'm tired. Tired of fighting it. This has been my life for 20 years. I've come to accept it. Accept the fact that im a loner and that the voices in my head are there. And I'm ok with it! I don't know of any other way of life. Maybe I'm a little bit weird. THIS IS ME AND THIS IS MY LIFE. My way of life isn't for everyone and I don't think many people can honestly say that they are ok with their PTSD but it's how I cope and get through everyday. Xox

 

[Intrepid]

PTSD is winning and I'm tired. Tired of fighting it.

Every time I read a post like this I want to say something sunny to cheer up the person posting. That's because I want to cheer myself up. I've been fighting PTSD a long time too. After a while you just get exhausted. I thought it was a bad thing so I ignored it and acted like I have all the energy in the world. I've come to believe that exhaustion is not a bad or a good thing. It's a human thing.

 

[Pefectpagan84]

You do get exhausted hun that's why I've stopped fighting it n learned to accept it. It's like the angel and devil on each shoulder situation xx

 

[Ronin]

Tired of fighting it.

Any way to turn fight into fun?

Or something you'll get some seriously good vibes from back?

I'm pretty literal at the moment, so not quite thinking on the same level, but figures if there can be fun & energy gained, even where lost in other ways, there can be more reasons to keep going.

 

[ladee]

I understand. Have had depression my entire life. PTSD for most of my life. This is my normal. I accepted this is my life and in many instances it is harder than most understand.
It doesn't win, it just presents it's ugly self and I try to get healthier.
This is my life. Not good or bad, right or wrong. Its mine.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't really get the sense that you're ok with your PTSD. Are you in therapy?

 

[Pefectpagan84]

I don't really get the sense that you're ok with your PTSD. Are you in therapy?

I've been in n out if therapy all my life hun nothing works in the long run so now cope without shrinks c

 

[Pefectpagan84]

Any way to turn fight into fun?

Or something you'll get some seriously good vibes from back?

I'm pretty...

Like I said cashew it's been 20 years and I'm sure it will be another 20 years so I've learnt to embrace it and learn to live with it. My dogs help me. Whenever I feel sad I get a cuddle off them x

 

[Pefectpagan84]

I understand. Have had depression my entire life. PTSD for most of my life. This is my normal. I accepted...

I'm used to shutting people out and dealing with stuff myself hun so my PTSD is no different. When I was diagnosed with attachment disorder my shrink told me its because a primary caregiver abandoned me and was distant. He was right and from age 4 I learnt to deal with stuff myself coz in my mind if one if my parents didn't care then why should anyone else xx

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am listening with support. I have pretty much accepted that I will have PTSD the rest of my life as well. I see a psychiatrist and occasionally a therapist when I need a tune up.

I believe it is up to me to create the best life I can for myself now. Been dealing with this my entire life and I am sixty one years old. Nine years of therapy and I quit because I wanted to learn how to think for myself.

You are going to be okay,that is a fact, I do not know how long it will take because it takes its time. I wish you the best.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I agree with @EveHarrington I don't think that you are ok with your PTSD either. Just my opinion from reading your post. I could be way off. I've had PTSD almost my whole life too and I'm 63 soon. I didn't feel ok until I went through extensive therapy and dragged each one of my traumas apart from top to bottom and back again. Then it was on to changing my thoughts and behavior. Is still a process, one that never ends.... But again, just my opinion...