So... introductions...
Well, I'm 23 going on 24 in September. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2008, and is something I've been trying to manage and cope with since then in a systemic fashion, though the symptoms presented themselves far earlier. I do not take medication for it, though I am considering seeing a doctor concerning some sort of benzodiazepine to help me when the panic attacks occasionally become unbearable.
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Just going to say it now: Trigger warning, because I want to be precise, perhaps a little tangential and get this off my chest:
My PTSD stems pretty much chiefly from a long, drawn out case of sexual coercion and assault, as well as some very disturbing psychological conditioning beginning when I was 14 and ending in a terrible finale of rape and a forced loss of virginity. I have yet to meet a man as scary and manipulative as him to this day, and hope I never do. I never pressed charges, so I will be vague and never use my real name here.
I met him at a time in my life when I was feeling vulnerable. My mother was self medicating her OWN anxiety and child abuse PTSD at the time, and was on house arrest - which depressed her more and made her want to drink more. Friends were distant because of puberty related things, the whole nine yards. He was there as a replacement for my empty feelings, I even ignored red flags to let him in. Mistake. While I admit to being a sexually curious 15 year old, I refused to give up my virginity to him.
To explain, he would play to my lack of self confidence and weight issues. He would tell me that fat girls like me usually dont get anyone to pay attention to them, so I need to take what I can get unless I want to be alone forever. He told me that real loyal friends will do sexual favors in return for companionship. He also told me that disloyal women deserve to slowly die from internal chemical burns. I was 15 and too scared to say anything against him. Every secret I told him, everything I trusted him with, in retrospect, was ammunition he armed himself with to dig his claws deep into my psyche. I'm a bit of a play fighter, and he'd often take play fights and show how badly he could hurt me.
Eventually I moved out of state after I graduated at the age of 17. He came up to visit me at my new home. One night, when my parents weren't home, he told me he was going to show me what it's supposed to be like, held me down and raped me as I cried and writhed. As i begged him to stop, all he said is that he was going to have my virginity added to his collection whether i wanted him to take it or not.
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Shortly after the rape, I found myself feeling cold and empty inside and refused to speak to anyone about it. I told nobody for three years afterward, including my boyfriend who I met about 7 months later (we are still together and very much in love). Eventually it all came to a cathartic head after I lost two jobs and dropped out of school, laying in bed, the days biggest debate whether or not to roll over because it was too much effort. I began to see a therapist and things slowly began to piece together.
Sometimes it's still paralyzing. I still lack the self confidence I need to do things, I still procrastinate and feel dissociative. I keep screwing up art deadlines because of this, and it's a big problem that I hope I can fix and cope with. The anxiety I get is unbearable at times, and on the rare occasions I do have a flashback it's pretty awful.
Hope I can learn something from everyone.
Sorry for the big sad story, it felt good to type it though.
Well, I'm 23 going on 24 in September. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2008, and is something I've been trying to manage and cope with since then in a systemic fashion, though the symptoms presented themselves far earlier. I do not take medication for it, though I am considering seeing a doctor concerning some sort of benzodiazepine to help me when the panic attacks occasionally become unbearable.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just going to say it now: Trigger warning, because I want to be precise, perhaps a little tangential and get this off my chest:
My PTSD stems pretty much chiefly from a long, drawn out case of sexual coercion and assault, as well as some very disturbing psychological conditioning beginning when I was 14 and ending in a terrible finale of rape and a forced loss of virginity. I have yet to meet a man as scary and manipulative as him to this day, and hope I never do. I never pressed charges, so I will be vague and never use my real name here.
I met him at a time in my life when I was feeling vulnerable. My mother was self medicating her OWN anxiety and child abuse PTSD at the time, and was on house arrest - which depressed her more and made her want to drink more. Friends were distant because of puberty related things, the whole nine yards. He was there as a replacement for my empty feelings, I even ignored red flags to let him in. Mistake. While I admit to being a sexually curious 15 year old, I refused to give up my virginity to him.
To explain, he would play to my lack of self confidence and weight issues. He would tell me that fat girls like me usually dont get anyone to pay attention to them, so I need to take what I can get unless I want to be alone forever. He told me that real loyal friends will do sexual favors in return for companionship. He also told me that disloyal women deserve to slowly die from internal chemical burns. I was 15 and too scared to say anything against him. Every secret I told him, everything I trusted him with, in retrospect, was ammunition he armed himself with to dig his claws deep into my psyche. I'm a bit of a play fighter, and he'd often take play fights and show how badly he could hurt me.
Eventually I moved out of state after I graduated at the age of 17. He came up to visit me at my new home. One night, when my parents weren't home, he told me he was going to show me what it's supposed to be like, held me down and raped me as I cried and writhed. As i begged him to stop, all he said is that he was going to have my virginity added to his collection whether i wanted him to take it or not.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shortly after the rape, I found myself feeling cold and empty inside and refused to speak to anyone about it. I told nobody for three years afterward, including my boyfriend who I met about 7 months later (we are still together and very much in love). Eventually it all came to a cathartic head after I lost two jobs and dropped out of school, laying in bed, the days biggest debate whether or not to roll over because it was too much effort. I began to see a therapist and things slowly began to piece together.
Sometimes it's still paralyzing. I still lack the self confidence I need to do things, I still procrastinate and feel dissociative. I keep screwing up art deadlines because of this, and it's a big problem that I hope I can fix and cope with. The anxiety I get is unbearable at times, and on the rare occasions I do have a flashback it's pretty awful.
Hope I can learn something from everyone.
Sorry for the big sad story, it felt good to type it though.
