3 Weeks On Grey Carpet

[Sideways]

@EveHarrington - if reading entire threads was mandatory before replying I'd be the worst offender around! Your contributions are always (always) welcome:)

In fact the original post about tinted glasses brought up memories of wearing giant novelty glasses in hospital for a week straight once when I was hypermanic, which cracks a smile every time I think about it, which is rare around my place and always welcome!

 

[Sideways]

Oh sorry my bad. I should stop responding to threads if I can't read the whole thing. I just don'...

You know what, this is my thread, so I'm just gonna say it, because I'm having a rough time, and I think you're having a rough time...

You're one of my absolute favourites Eve. No need to ever apologise for popping your head in on one of my threads. Not ever.

Better days ahead for both of us.

 

[mary1979]

So I have this carpet thing too.
Dont think my reaction to it is/was exactly like yours, much less intense.

It just causes me to switch off emotionally, in which case therapy while triggered like that would have zero impact on me.

I'm lucky in that the carpet in my instance was this ridiculous 70's style purple psychedelic pattern, swirls of various shades, and I've never had to encounter it physically again.

I just used to see it in my mind before id disassociate during sex before id fixed those issues.

I hadn't 'seen' it in a long time, and then in March this year one morning I arrived at work and the new campaign logo was presented to us.

I was totally floored when I realised id be staring at my old trigger for 16 long weeks, every day at work.

Right when I was heading back into some of my worst anxiety states and had just begun seeking help to work on my issues again as well.

So I decided to take it as fate.
And a challenge.
Now 7 weeks in, I've delved back into those old emotions with that ugly letter head.
Voiced all the emotions that caused the detachment.
Trying not to go into detail, but I basically used that carpet to stop myself enjoying my abuse, at that time I was bang in the middle of puberty and my abuser was trying to make me an equal party in his sick fantasy by showing me 'pleasure'.
I would stare at the ugly swirls to distract myself so beginning my love affair with disassociating during pleasure of all kinds.

To begin with I was terrified it would bring all my sexual disfunctions back to the surface, and it almost did.
But I pushed through and instead its showed me some other things id long buried, helped me face them, and also made me recognise that sexual pleasure isn't the only thing I 'switch off' from.

Might not be helpful for you honey, I feel like its a very 'walking on thin ice' kinda game to play and could very easily go the other way.
Only you can know if you are ready to face those emotions yet.

 

[Sideways]

@mary1979 - you're the first fellow carpet-phobe I've come across (which surprises me actually, I thought it would be more common). And yeah, we can arm ourselves with a tonne of healthy strategies and our 'warrior' mindset and butch up, but at the end of the day, it's all pretty awful, and it's a precarious gamble.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But if it does, it'll be worth it...Time will tell if I'm singing the same tune on the eve of my admission date...

 

[The Albatross]

"... the original post about tinted glasses brought up memories of wearing giant novelty glasses in hospital for a week straight once when I was hypermanic..."
Which also could be another goal/challenge thing and a chance to revisit the experience and have a more favorable outcome. It is interesting that you associate the suggestion of sunglasses with a tint to "giant novelty glasses" as they are not the same thing.

 

[Friday]

It's interesting you mention novelty glasses & a week of mania... Those kinds of glasses skyrocket my anxiety &/or make me disassociate. Each and every single time. I think it's because they make it so much harder to see.

On the opposite end of things?

HighDef glasses are also tinted. I use lavender tinted Oakley & Gargoyle glasses for snowboarding & shooting & driving. Not the M-Frame goggles, but the curve to your facial contour normal sunglasses. Like these, which are the lavender ones. :D

The lavender shooting glasses do the same thing as the more popular yellow ones, bringing things into much sharper/clearer definition than your own eyes, but unlike yellow don't also remove blue light (yellow lenses are a great option for people whose insomnia is sensitive to blue light) . Both colors delicately tint everything you're looking at (blacks become plum, greys become dark lavender), but unlike cheap novelty glasses the whole world doesn't become a wash of strong color with little definition. Instead everything is very sharp. And they work amazing at night!

Not arguing for dropping a bill on a pair of Oakleys, just a possibility to add to your bag of tricks :) The 3 week session sounds exciting. :)

 

[Sideways]

@The Albatross - sorry, it was my mind wandering. The novelty glasses had fluro pink frames and bkue lenses. Still have them, just because it's one of my more amusing memories:)

 

[The Albatross]

My error, likely quoted the wrong post... you said, "I'm not sure it would work with the colour of the carpet, but it may v well send me a bit hypermanic, which is something to be avoided in hospital". But here's the thing, Friday's suggestion about the lavender glasses may possibly work to limit the reactivity and they wouldn't be novelty glasses... they "may" work is just as likely as they might not right? Personally I'd do a little trial before admission... what the heck maybe during a session before I'd risk 3 weeks in a place that may freak you cuz it has grey carpet.

I guess I saw two competing "concerns", that's all.

 

[Sideways]

@The Albatross - I've been really edgy (among other things) lately and I think it's coming through in my posts because like I said to Eve, it's no biggie to me if people contribute without perusing and considering all the previous posts first! Sorry if I came across a bit blunt:(

I actually pricked up my ears at @FridayJones post, because I didn't realise that tinted lens' had come that far! And yeah, if it didn't completely screw with my head (quite possibly it wouldn't) it would be workable for me because I'm always carrying a pair of sunnies with me so it wouldn't even be weird behaviour.

But there's no way I'm squeezing Oakley's into my budget between now and then. I could check out the cheaper options, but that's gonna require hitting the shops, which will have to wait at least a week or 2 because at the moment, 'hitting the shops'? Agoraphobia says No.

I've got a new valium script coming (hopefully) in 4 days, which is going to get me to the carpet shop which is only a block away. If I can get a square of grey carpet and some proper tinted glasses (within budget:( ) I could test out the sunnies and the exposure exercise well before my admission date:)

 

[The Albatross]

I read the whole thread for what it's worth.

 

[The Albatross]

I think though you do yourself a disservice to identify a particular problematic stressor/trigger yet to give yourself leeway on an association with different colored glasses... visual feedback is part of the senses for how you desensitize a trigger after all. You're association with mania and wearing novelty glasses was a bit of a stretch. To me at least.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Ragdoll, keep us posted on how things go with the carpet. It sounds like a great program and I do hope you are able to attend. Good luck with it all!