3 Yrs After Deployment...

[FishNH]

I got from Iraq August 15, 2011 and out of the army March 1, 2012. Today, I learned a few things.

I dont feel whole after I got out of the army. I was proud. Felt great to tell people I was in in the army. I got out and I lost that self respect and self esteem.

Identified a trigger. When I feel confused or helpless, I try to take control and i take action. I felt helpless when my friend was killed so, subconsciously, I take action so I wont feel that same way.

That would explain why when i feel my wife is distancing herself, I push and push, thinking im doing good but in actuality im doing more harm.

I feel like a douchebag :(

 

[Grizzly]

I get it.

I felt the same way when I got out. After several years I tried to fill the void. I joined the reserves. Problem was I was surrounded by fat NCO's and kids that didn't have a clue and never did a deployment. I eventually felt more depressed and quit trying. Flunked PT test. Quit showing up for drills.

I have some self esteem issues. But only in certain environments. The issue...I'm not a soldier, but I don't feel 100% civilian either. So I'm am stuck. It f*ck'n sucks it does.

 

[SGT.Sunshine.]

I know exactly what your describing I am a few years ahead on this trip. Pushed the wife away divorced for almost two years now, life keeps getting worse something has got to give. The people in my life are only there to pick what they can from what little I get by on each month. Other than that I am of no use for them. The vet center here is a joke, its full of nat guard guys who all served together so if like me you were active duty and didn't serve with them then they don't want to know you. I remember during my divorce I was really close to losing it one night and just wanted some one to talk to. any one before I did something really stupid. I went through the whole call list our"help" list not one answered or returned my calls. BS. I guess what I have been learning is we really are all on our own, and all hope is lost.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Well Brother,
I dont feel whole after I got out of the army. I was proud. Felt great to tell people I was in in the army. I got out and I lost that self respect and self esteem. Some of this comes from not being in the Army, some from people around you. I think it was hard on us Nam Vets, with all the shit going on at the time.

Identified a trigger. When I feel confused or helpless, I try to take control and i take action. I felt helpless when my friend was killed so, subconsciously, I take action so I wont feel that same way. That comes from our training and from combat! I hate to say this , but it will take some time....You are already learning, you found a trigger and I thinking about it.

That would explain why when i feel my wife is distancing herself, I push and push, thinking im doing good but in actuality im doing more harm. That's you above, the need to be in control. It would be OK with me, as I was in combat. Lead or get the f*ck out of my way...... Your wife, my wife are not Army trainded and have not been in combat. They have no idea where we are coming from.

I feel like a douchebag. You are not a douchebag!!! You are a Combat Vet first and formost and you have PTSD. You need to learn that you are on unfamilar ground......You are no longer in the Army or Combat, so you need learn to rethink what you are doing. Not easy, I feel the Beast is worse than combat, in combat we know how to fight. With the Beast, fighting it only makes worse.......Take yor time, go slow and learn to think ahead.

J R

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Thinking ahead!!! I use this and it does help. Here's how it works, lets take something easy, like going/driving to the store. Now think of all the worse things that can happen......Write a list, asshole drivers, stupid people, get a flat, store don't have what you want. Just keep the list going till you can't think of any more shit. In a sence you have just put on your mental combat loadout for going to the store. You may want to save the list to use the next time you go to the store....We have been trained to think ahead. It does work.......start with the easy shit and work you way to the harder things......

J R

 

[Raven]

It may help or it may not... try to find something to do that occupies your time and mind. It's calmed my nerves lately.

Get lost on a good book. Do volunteer work for a cause you care about.

 

[3rd ID]

No offense to any one here. But, I felt from my short time in Iraq... That a draft would have filled our active duty deficiencies much better. I thought that reserve units were more squared away than NG units. I was wrong to say the very least. Although, some were indeed squared away . The majority were shitbags that put me at risk when we left the FOB. Thank G-D I was active duty.

 

[3rd ID]

That being said reach out to some one. Hell I know I may get in the shit for it but pm me and I'll give ya my number if you need someone to talk to. And if anyone was offended by my first post I'm sorry. There are some NG guys that I know who are very good soldiers most of them though came from AD Army or they are former Marines. So take that how you want.
Éckstein out...

 

[Raven]

No offense to any one here. But, I felt from my short time in Iraq... That a draft would have filled our active duty deficiencies much better. I thought that reserve units were more squared away than NG units. I was wrong to say the very least. Although, some were indeed squared away . The majority were shitbags that put me at risk when we left the FOB. Thank G-D I was active duty.

There were good Soldiers in the reserve and NG units, and they kept us from being spread so thin to the point of tearing. So I have respect for them.

Their leadership, however, seemed utterly lacking. Even more so than ours.

 

[3rd ID]

Oh I agree raven. Seems as though top brass in the NG is a good old boy network. The troops in those units suffer the most for it. Which is nonsense. But, to say that I'm a lover of the NG haha we both agree... No.
But,
like you said they have done a tremendous job in defending our country and the VA f*cks them because of AD time and other petit shit. But, I digress...I as a PA I work at a clinic in a church. When I first graduated I naturally gravitated toward ER work because of the adrenaline involved. Now that I'm a little older and have a daughter I feel different. I like being a doctor with office hours haha. And a office and a desk lol. So, I got over the I miss the military life kinda thing. I do indeed miss it. But, reenlisting wouldn't happen for me unless world war broke out. Then I'd consider it.

 

[3rd ID]

But I can't even go anywhere anymore without thinking... When I was using painkillers and drinking did I harm my patients and profession? The board thought so when they suspended my license for six months. Now I am on probation and supervised. My wife and I have mended fences due to my PTSD. I know the feelings that everyone has voiced here. I hope that I can help anyone who asks for my help. I mean how f*cked up was I when lying to women I wanted to f*ck. While married at that. Lied about my profession, my marital status and my life in general. I was a selfish person. These things are my sins. I hope that anyone reading this thread.. Says wow. This guy is changing so can I.

 

[FishNH]

Thanks everybody. This predicament my wife and i are in sucks. I may have realized this shit too late to save our marriage but i dont know. This is one situation where I feel out of control and sitting with that feeling is terrible. I miss her and our son something fierce...

-Dave