30% Of Abused Children Become Abusers - How Do You Avoid It?

[anthony]

Innordinate, I think you actually have it possibly under more control than you may think. First, you admit to your past mistakes, and we all make stupid mistakes, it is part of being human. Those who don't admit it, those who make excuses for it, they often reoffend, reabuse. Saying that... if you feel in the position where you will, then remove yourself from the situation immediately... and quite honestly, if you come back a day later after cooling down, then talk with your partner on why, or even phone from a distance, that is better than re-offending. Nobody is perfect... though obviously we can't go around punching one another, or punching spouses... it doesn't do any of us much good in the long run, and all we do is pass our own problems to others to deal with in their life.

I actually give you huge credit, as it seems to me you take responsibility quite seriously for your past acts. I have done some mean and nasty shit in life... but I also learnt a lesson from it, and I won't make the same mistakes... now, I remove myself from a situation when in doubt of my own reactions.

You can yell, rant, rave and carry on if your kids stressed you out... but if that's what it takes for you to cool down, without hurting them, then explain to them what you did and why, reinforcing to them that its not their fault, but yours, as you own your actions... as your children grow they develop a healthy respect of trust that you aren't going to hurt them, but you are going to perform x, which is healthier than hurting a person or property. Punching bags are awesome if you have anger issues.

I have been for walks in the middle of the night, just to calm anger... being I remove myself from the situation to just calm, collect myself, then go back to the situation and try to find a solution.

You're doing good.

 

[Abrasky]

Was the beating because of alchohol, or not alchohol related incident?
These sort of cycle tends to go on and on, and it just needs to be broken sometimes. Be the brave one to break physical violence in your family. My father in law beaten as a child by his physically abusive parent. He made the decision not to carry that onto his kids and he never hit them ever.
I believe if your wife was hit by you that is a deal breaker for me due to my history. Especially if alchohol was not involved Sorry. Go and heal and break the cycle and have a good relationship with your kids.
I have a room where I punch pillows. It helps me reduce the yelling and stops me banging my head on the wall a bit when I get angry. Maybe helpful to get a room just for you to let of steam in.

 

[Innordinate]

seems to me you take responsibility quite seriously for your past acts.

It's only recently I've really been able to do this. Still not sure if it's because people expect it or really because I do.
Only recently I've realized how horrid some of my past acts have been - really hard reality to face.

I believe if your wife was hit by you that is a deal breaker for me due to my history. Especially if alchohol was not involved .

What do you mean deal breaker? If it's what I think like you would have left I was quite amazed when she didn't. I started then to think I should leave but being selfish I didn't.
I was probably drunk considering I spent the majority of my life drunk, years that probably could have been good years. Honestly I don't remember for sure now. I vaguely remember sitting on the steps waiting for police and seeing her face the next day.

So I guess to put it another way then my real dilema is do I continue to be selfish and risk their health, safety since I swore of anyone in this world I would never hurt them - which then goes against leaving them because I also swore to myself that I wouldn't abondon them like I was either.
Stupid. :mad:

 

[Missy]

Nope -- totally incorrect -- 1 in 10 MALES abused will become abusers.

It is true that most pedophiles were abused, but it is NOT true that most abused people will become abusers.

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20030206/do-sexually-abused-kids-become-abusers

 

[way_back_when]

Nope -- totally incorrect -- 1 in 10 MALES abused will become abusers.

It is true that most pedophiles were abused, but it is NOT true that most abused people will become abusers.

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20030206/do-sexually-abused-kids-become-abusers

I don't "like' the fact that anyone becomes an abuser, but I think it's important to have information that's as accurate as possible; one major reason is to prevent more stigma from occurring.

 

[Missy]

The number is super super small regarding women -- 97% of sexual perpetrators are male.

[DLMURL]http://www.prevent-abuse-now.com/stats2.htm#Violent[/DLMURL]

So although it's natural to worry, the likelihood is pretty small.

The numbers are different for physical abuse...

 

[Nicolette]

All I am going to say is that with knowledge and desire anything is possible and while, I am not the perfect parent (damn why don't they give you manuals??), I broke the abuse cycle not only towards my child but also stopping it continuing towards me. It takes a lot of strength to change a lifetime of thinking but it can be done if you are open to seeing things for what they are and not what you want them to be. The biggest issue with breaking the abuse cycle IMHO is denial - whether it be outright or people making excuses for another's behavior.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

I absolutely have this fear. Only in my case I'm not so sure it's all based around fearing I'd abuse my children, because I don't think I ever would. It's really more about my fear that I might not be a present parent. I really got the yin and the yang in terms of parents.

The thing is - and this is hard to say, so - I don't know my father. He just wasn't there. He was tuned out. I would NEVER go to my father with a problem. He probably thinks I would (where he gets this idea that I would I don't know?), but I wouldn't. I would never share anything truly emotional with him. Basically because, I don't know the guy. He's a complete stranger to me. My entire life he was not a present parent. He doesn't know me. He wasn't there.

It really wouldn't matter what the issue was in my life, I would never pick up the phone and 'spill my guts' to Dad. What Dad? You mean the guy who I've spent very few real hours with. The sad part is - when I did have a talk with him a few years back about certain things HE is the one who cried. That's hard for me to know that my Dad looks back and goes 'wow, I totally missed out on my kid'. But it's not my burden. If you don't wanna be present and look after your kids - don't have them!

Because it's not like getting a haircut. It doesn't grow back. You create a child and that's a life you've created. If you don't wanna nurture it, the sad part is that if there is a decent person inside you - it's probably the UNpresent parent who will wind up pretty sad over it too. You can't 'not show up' as a parent and then expect to be their best friend once they're adults and you've sorted your own stuff out. Life doesn't work that way. For either party.

Maybe just not being present after creating something is a form of abuse too? That's probably what would stop me having kids above anything else. That I wouldn't be a GOOD and PRESENT parent. And if that's the case, no way am I doing that to a sweet innocent little child.

 

[anni]

I had this ridiculous argument with my brother in law, on Christmas Day actually.Think I mentioned some of this before. He's a teacher, too but knows everythingggg. He worked at some home for abused children and insisted 100% of abused children across the board, sexually and physically go on to abuse. I told him he had the numbers wrong- that recidivism for adult offenders - pedophiles, is very, very high. He went up the wall- you just can't do anything with people like this and their misinformation. He's a professional, too-more shame on him! He actually went completely off the wall, talking about islands to send people to... .

People here on the forum tend to be receptive due to their own traumas, I think. What on earth does one do with this sort of thing 'out there'? Facts are the only thing to use as weapons against ignorance but how do you bludgeon them into the collective societal heads when their own 'truths' are so bizarre and fiercely clung to? There's an awful lot of people living in Bizarro World out here.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

You know what anni - maybe it's the perfectionistic streak in me too. My friends are like 'you'd be a great Mum!'. My response is 'ooooh, but but but......... '

(worry much?)

Never say never. Life has surely taught me that you can never lay a bet on what's around the corner on your OWN path. But gosh, I'd certainly wanna consider my own readiness, and SECONDLY (and just as importantly to me in my case) the state of my partner at the given time.

 

[Brontie]

I think growing up in Glasgow in the sixties it was the norm. I was battered and beaten by parents who were battered and beaten by their parents.

One night I was watching a TV programme about abuse and the presenter said those exact words, “The abused go on to abuse.” I looked at my two little boys playing with their little cars and I thought, “That’ll be the day that I die!”

I never hit my kids and I won’t stand for my kids hitting their kids. I hated my parents and they hated their parents. I couldn’t stand for my kids to hate me.

I made it my soul purpose in life to break that vicious circle and I have been very successful. I have a lovely close family. I hate to think about where I would be if it were not for my kids.

After watching that program, I headed to the library and took out some books on childcare and child psychology.
The first book I ever read about caring for children was called A School For Parents (if I’ve remembered the title correctly).

Plan to read some childcare books and do the best you can to give your kids a happy childhood - they only ever get one.

 

[Abrasky]

I was pretty horribly emotionally abused and also sexually abused in my family. I decided at 9 that I would die rather than do this to another living soul. It is very strongly ingrained in me even so that when I got PTSD I still have this idea of not doing this to another living soul at the centre of my soul. So not all people that are sexually abuse go onto abuse.
The emotional absue is something that has been my area of weakness as a parent because I didnt' recognise a lot of the different types of emotional abuse (especially my mum's) when I was young. This is what therapy is for, children are not for abandoning, guilt tripping, giving conditional love and avoiding because of a fear of getting to close to people.
I like to think that my child does not have to carry baggage with him. I take it away at this airline stop.