RecoveringVic
New Here
This is my first time posting to a forum about this. I am shocked with how little resources there are online for dealing with trauma caused by CSA.
I unearthed my trauma using plant medicines, I had always struggled mentally throughout life; never being able to hold down a job or relationship and recreating my trauma, but I did not expect this message to come through for me while in a plant medicine ceremony. I got the clear message "your dad abused you as a child" and since then I have been on a huge healing journey, leaving the country I lived in eventually to travel. As soon as I left the emotions started coming through significantly. I was doing yoga teacher training and whole days were spent sobbing and so full of shame and social anxiety. A big thing for me has always been fear of being judged or other people being able to see I'm anxious or not ok. I have a lot of shame around not being ok mentally/ emotionally and this has caused a lot of social anxiety for me where I used to mask a lot. I guess because I had to plaster on a smile as a child so no questions would be asked. Because at the same time I loved my abuser very much and remember having nightmares as a child of him being beaten up. It's absolutely crazy to me that I don't have any clear memories, but connecting the dots, I know this happened to me. It explains everything that happened in my past. So many weird things that I won't go into.
A few months ago I was very unwell. My whole body had swollen up with water retention and I had these lymphatic drainage issues and a pain in my chest (which has been there since uncovering the abuse) had got worse (disclaimer: I've had this medically checked out and my heart is fine). I felt so on edge, paranoid and my hair was falling out in clumps. I haven't had a period in 10 months and I lost all the curves on my body. It was a really frightening time for me. Coupled with that I also have a limited support system. My parents are my only close family; my father intentionally kept the family unit very small for secrecy of what was going on behind closed doors. Friends I had confided in distanced themselves from me during this time, which was incredibly hurtful. So I felt very alone and felt like I might die from pain and ill health. I had previously tried to ask my father to his face, but he diverted the topic masterfully and I was so stressed in the moment I don't even know how he managed it and couldn't remember. But on one particularly night I decided to ask him over WhatsApp, I just knew he would deny it again if I asked him to his face. He admitted it over message and almost instantly asked me "how is the weather where you are?". I was absolutely shocked he could be so blasé and I thanked him for his confession, but obviously this is completely inappropriate.. I have realized over the past months my father is a very sick man and I wouldn't be surprised if his sickness has affected more people than me due to his state of denial.
Still now I sometimes feel confused because my whole life I have been in a state of denial about my parents. My father used to take millions of pictures of me and was borderline obsessive, I used to think that I was just loved so much. I used to look back at these pictures and think how happy I looked, but now I can see the pain and confusion behind my eyes in some of the pictures. Both my parents are alcoholics and my mother now has dementia so we don't have a relationship. I was always very materially spoilt as a child; fancy holidays, had a horse, nice clothes etc and my parents would always tell me how lucky I was. In later life, with a high therapist count and having to leave jobs due to poor mental health, my parents would say "we just spoilt you" - so up until now I always felt there was something wrong with me that I could be so messed up despite having parents that I felt loved and adored me.
Luckily now I am in a better place but still feeling very fragile and frustrated with the journey sometimes. I spend a lot of time alone, and I'm having to live a very slow life. I feel so lonely sometimes but also struggle being around so many people at the moment. I am trying to meet people as don't want this to stop me living my life but if I push myself too far, I quickly get dysregulated and have to retreat to my own space again.
What I would like some advice on from other survivors or people who have gone through PTSD... how much to push yourself.. obviously I don't want to become a recluse (which I kind of am already) or let this beat me but it doesn't take a lot for me to become dysregulated.. How I experience this lots of burping, tightness in neck, tightness in chest, inability to breath properly. I also go into a subservient, fawn-like response and become very jittery, forgetful - like I lose my power (I have a therapist btw and other professional support and one very good friend who I speak to sometimes - who I actually met while traveling)
I have so much respect for people who have gone through this, it is incredibly difficult and painful. Part of me still has hope that it will get better. Just a long frustrating road sometimes.
I unearthed my trauma using plant medicines, I had always struggled mentally throughout life; never being able to hold down a job or relationship and recreating my trauma, but I did not expect this message to come through for me while in a plant medicine ceremony. I got the clear message "your dad abused you as a child" and since then I have been on a huge healing journey, leaving the country I lived in eventually to travel. As soon as I left the emotions started coming through significantly. I was doing yoga teacher training and whole days were spent sobbing and so full of shame and social anxiety. A big thing for me has always been fear of being judged or other people being able to see I'm anxious or not ok. I have a lot of shame around not being ok mentally/ emotionally and this has caused a lot of social anxiety for me where I used to mask a lot. I guess because I had to plaster on a smile as a child so no questions would be asked. Because at the same time I loved my abuser very much and remember having nightmares as a child of him being beaten up. It's absolutely crazy to me that I don't have any clear memories, but connecting the dots, I know this happened to me. It explains everything that happened in my past. So many weird things that I won't go into.
A few months ago I was very unwell. My whole body had swollen up with water retention and I had these lymphatic drainage issues and a pain in my chest (which has been there since uncovering the abuse) had got worse (disclaimer: I've had this medically checked out and my heart is fine). I felt so on edge, paranoid and my hair was falling out in clumps. I haven't had a period in 10 months and I lost all the curves on my body. It was a really frightening time for me. Coupled with that I also have a limited support system. My parents are my only close family; my father intentionally kept the family unit very small for secrecy of what was going on behind closed doors. Friends I had confided in distanced themselves from me during this time, which was incredibly hurtful. So I felt very alone and felt like I might die from pain and ill health. I had previously tried to ask my father to his face, but he diverted the topic masterfully and I was so stressed in the moment I don't even know how he managed it and couldn't remember. But on one particularly night I decided to ask him over WhatsApp, I just knew he would deny it again if I asked him to his face. He admitted it over message and almost instantly asked me "how is the weather where you are?". I was absolutely shocked he could be so blasé and I thanked him for his confession, but obviously this is completely inappropriate.. I have realized over the past months my father is a very sick man and I wouldn't be surprised if his sickness has affected more people than me due to his state of denial.
Still now I sometimes feel confused because my whole life I have been in a state of denial about my parents. My father used to take millions of pictures of me and was borderline obsessive, I used to think that I was just loved so much. I used to look back at these pictures and think how happy I looked, but now I can see the pain and confusion behind my eyes in some of the pictures. Both my parents are alcoholics and my mother now has dementia so we don't have a relationship. I was always very materially spoilt as a child; fancy holidays, had a horse, nice clothes etc and my parents would always tell me how lucky I was. In later life, with a high therapist count and having to leave jobs due to poor mental health, my parents would say "we just spoilt you" - so up until now I always felt there was something wrong with me that I could be so messed up despite having parents that I felt loved and adored me.
Luckily now I am in a better place but still feeling very fragile and frustrated with the journey sometimes. I spend a lot of time alone, and I'm having to live a very slow life. I feel so lonely sometimes but also struggle being around so many people at the moment. I am trying to meet people as don't want this to stop me living my life but if I push myself too far, I quickly get dysregulated and have to retreat to my own space again.
What I would like some advice on from other survivors or people who have gone through PTSD... how much to push yourself.. obviously I don't want to become a recluse (which I kind of am already) or let this beat me but it doesn't take a lot for me to become dysregulated.. How I experience this lots of burping, tightness in neck, tightness in chest, inability to breath properly. I also go into a subservient, fawn-like response and become very jittery, forgetful - like I lose my power (I have a therapist btw and other professional support and one very good friend who I speak to sometimes - who I actually met while traveling)
I have so much respect for people who have gone through this, it is incredibly difficult and painful. Part of me still has hope that it will get better. Just a long frustrating road sometimes.
