34 Years Ago And It's Still Hurting

[tigrou465]

Today it's been 34 years since my father killed himself - actually he hung himself in our basement an I found him. I feel terrible tonight. I am alone with all those souven ourirs. I still can smell the oder, i still feel everything from that terrible nights. I was 13 and my world had just colapsed.d I remember I could not speak, cry or yell. I was alone in our house - my mother, brothers and sisters were all gone. I stayed there during a few hours - the time that my mother got back from seeing Santa with my sisters, my nephew and my niece. Time pasted slowly, in slow motion. Like tonight. I feel alone evethought my daughter is here with me. I don't want to talk to her even if she would understand (she is 18). I saw my therapist today and it was an hour of crying. Dam... why does I feel so bad after all these years.? The pain is still vivid. I'm angry at my father for what he did. I have never forgiven him for that. Will I ever get over his death? I know that healing stats with forginess but I just can't!!! Prior to his death, I have to say that my father had tried over a 13 year period to kill himself 14 times... and he also tried to kill me and he rest of the family. My mother stayed with him because she believe she could "save" him. /3 years after his death, my mother died from long cancer: she sufficated! I strongly believe thay wen my father took his life, he also took with him, my mother life and our in a way.... I'm so so sad and I feel a shame of my present feelings......................... I wish I could just sleep!

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Hi tigrou465 - You're not alone in experiencing suicide. Me too. In my opinion, it's really not so much about forgiving him as it is about allowing YOU to move forward with your life. You don't have to forget something to forgive it. Talking about it is probably bringing up the memories of it I'm sure. But I don't think we can really avoid grief or anger or any other feeling. You can't sidestep it - it has to move through you. I was very angry also - for a long time. I think the only way I let it go was by letting it BE real and accepting it had nothing to do with me. I was just there. Obviously someone who commits suicide is not thinking rationally. That is their choice and not a burden which you should carry. If he did it - he's responsible, not you.

 

[Béatrice]

What happened to you is beyond imaginable. I'm so sorry. Link Removed

About forgiveness, I found interesting Alice Miller's views.
Here, from a review....

Techniques of converting "negative" emotions into "positive" emotions will fail. Why? Because these manipulations reinforce denial, rather than leading to honest confrontations with one's authentic emotions. And forgiveness, Miller reminds us, has never had a healing effect. Preaching forgiveness is hypocritical, futile, and actively harmful. Harmful because the body doesn't understand moral precepts. One may rightly forgive their parents if they realize what they've done, though, if they apologize for the pain they've caused.
(Stephen Khamsi, Ph.D, May 11, 2005)

 

[tigrou465]

Bonjour
Vous pouvez me parler en français quoique j'arrive à comprendre pas mal l'anglais. Oui je réalise aujourd'hui combien ce fut horrible. J'ai depuis mars un psychiatre - avant j'avais un psychologue et un généraliste. Maintenant ils forment une équipe de 3 dans ma démarche. Quand j'ai rencontré mon psychiatree pour la première fois, il a lui aussi mentionné que ce que j'avais véçu était plus que terrible. Avant je me disais qu'il y avait plein de gens qui vivaient des situations terribles, épouvantables. Par exemple les Rwandais qui avaient vus leur famille décimées sous leur yeux... aujourd'hui je reconnais que c'était tout aussi épouvantable.

 

[Tessa]

I can empathise a little. I found a police officer hanging after 3 days. I had cared for his wife and children and they had a small baby. I will never forget the sight or smell or the childrens toys and the wedding photos on the bed. I try to push it to a distant part of my mind.
Please don't feel guilty. Sometimes a person has too much pain and they just can't cope. His multiple suicide attempts must have had you all on constant edge.
We are here with you and sending you hugs.

 

[Béatrice]

...
Avant je me disais qu'il y avait plein de gens qui vivaient des situations terribles, épouvantables. Par exemple les Rwandais qui avaient vus leur famille décimées sous leur yeux... aujourd'hui je reconnais que c'était tout aussi épouvantable.

The fact that other people have suffered doesn't make your suffering less. Your story didn't get on the news or History books, but it's just as bad. Link Removed And in my opinion it's even worse from that point of view, because it didn't get recognized as such.

 

[tigrou465]

Thanks to all for your support. I'm trying to cope with that trauma. Each year those feeling are present. It's not because time goes by that the pain goes away. My therapist often says to me, that the fact we did not talk about it in the family, among brothers and sisters and with my mother did not help to cope with the trauma. My mother told us never to talk about what happen. When I told her when she came back from Xmas shopping, she shook me at told me: ''Your fathe died from a heart attack. Understookd?'' I know why she reacted this way but I did not make the pain easyer. I still fell that my life was and is shattered by this event.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry tigrou465 and you have a right to feel as you did and do.

It adds more sorrow and misery and shame to have to lie about it or hide it or not be allowed to acknowledge the impact it had on you and your pain.
You don't have to do that now, difficult as it may seem what you are doing now is a huge step.

If you are interested I have found that Ron Rolheiser has some comprehensive and compassionate perspectives on suicide for (all) those affected, if you are up to it google ronrolheiser. I think that suicide is very misunderstood but so can it be for those left behind.

I'm sorry and hope you find some peace.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

I think that really, so often suicide leaves behind a feeling of 'survivor's guilt' for those who witnessed it and are left behind. It is so key to reach a point where you can understand the person who committed suicide was obviously disturbed and irrational at the time. That if somebody is intent on suiciding they will regardless of anything you can do. It is such misplaced guilt to think you could have prevented it for somebody truly intent on doing it. My thoughts are with you tigrou465.

 

[anni]

My thoughts are with you also. As Tessa said, his constant attempts must have had you all on edge. It sounds ( to me ) like the dynamics in the house all those years must have been just awful for you, with things going on which had nothing to do with caring about the well-being of children and focusing on a man who was clearly unwell and the woman whose business it should have been to protect her children from the impact of such a frightening prospect- the constant, constant threat of your father dying. I'm guessing you never should have been left alone long enough to be 'the one' in that terrible, terrible scene. You were even then pretty much disallowed any feelings whatsoever on the subject by the abject denial. You were forced to watch the endless attempts, were 'the one' who witness the final event, then were forbidden to react with 'he died of a heart attack'. Whew. Understanding why your mother reacted this way doesn't help, as you said, since it still doesn't address your feelings and reactions, of course.

I hope being here will be helpful. As Junebug said, it's a big step, so be kind to yourself and only process what you're up to. Sometimes it's awfull nice to just not be alone with the whole PTSD thing, at least that's how it feels to me, being here.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Iam]

Dear tigrou465,
I am so sorry. I know that watching my father try to commit suicide once was horrible and confusing. I can only imagine what it must have been like for you. I do understand the not being allowed to talk about things and having nobody to help you thru your feelings. Totally invalidated. I can understand why you feel so angry. Jennie is right that his suicide had nothing to do with you or even that he thought about what it would do to the family left behind. He was trying to escape his personal pain. It was selfish, no doubt about it, suicide always is, but he wasn't thinking rationally.

I know that hasn't made your pain any easier and I am sorry. And then to lose your mom to cancer not long after that. You must have felt so alone. We care tigrou465 and are here to listen to you. Your feelings do matter and you deserve to express them. (((HUGS)))

 

[tigrou465]

Hy I I've read all your reply and now all I can do is cry. I have to say that I had a tough week. I've ''worked'' a lot to kept my mind occupied. Today I am exhausted - I've sleepled mostly all day and if I would listen to me, I would go back to bed wright now. My dog is ''tired'' of sleeping - he wants to go out but I don't feel like it. Maybe later. Again thanks to all. Reading you brings up emotions but I know I'm not alone.