4 Years And Counting And I Don't Know Where I Stand

[argentinaguy]

First off- this is the first time I've ever been on a forum like this in my life. I have read several posts and appreciate everyone's time reading each others thoughts and offering advice. It's amazing to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this.

My name is Jesse and I'm gay. When volunteering for the Toronto Film Festival back in 2010 - I was 20 and I met this guy who would not stop staring me. I felt an instant connection with this guy I didn't even know and later on in that same week, I happened to see him twice more (once on the street and another time while volunteering). We befriended the same girl and I ended up adding this girl to Facebook, which he also did. He added me shortly after, and it was through our Facebook conversation when I found out he was staring at me because he found me attractive. I told him I was doing the same and from then on, we started chatting all the time online. Being 20, I was still really new to being gay and was extremely excited that I met this beautiful guy that liked me by chance. Not online, not at a gay club, not through anyone.

We made plans to hang out after a month and a half of chatting and I was extremely nervous but yet excited. It was a build up for me. I remember the day and our plans...we were going to go for tea and walk around the city. But on the day, he completely ditched me. He didn't respond to my facebook msg, my text, my voicemail. I felt so stupid because we had confirmed these plans days before and I was left alone that day. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that maybe something happened to him, but then the next day I saw him post something on Facebook and started crying. I confronted him about it in another message, and we had a weird conversation...and then it fizzled out a bit.

In 2011, he would send me the occasional message asking how I was. We would talk and make plans for lunch, and sometimes he would show, but a lot of the time he wouldn't - and he would give no explanation as to why he wouldn't. When we were together, everything seemed fine. We get along great, we have a ton in common, we have similar senses of humour and taste in music... but sometimes he wouldn't respond to me, so it was hard to gage whether he really liked me. From 2011-2013 ...we had been on maybe 10 dates.. doing things like watching movies, going out for dinner and drinks, we saw a guitar concert together, but the amount of times I tried to plan something with him definitely was over 50. I would make back up plans the day I had plans with him because I could never count on him. But the thing was... why does this guy continuously message me out of no where, talk as if nothing happened and then when we finally do make plans, blow me off? It never made sense!

I should mention now that he works for the Ontario Association of Childrens Aid Society. He used to be a foster child and grew up in and out of group homes. I found this out when someone posted an article he was interviewed for. I thought maybe this might be why he leaves me hanging, but then again - I had my friends telling me that he was a jerk and I was trying to find excuses for him. But honestly, it never made sense to me that this guy who has dedicated his life to helping children in need, who volunteers so much of his time to help kids in crisis... would just leave me hanging. So I would play along.. I would pretend I believed his excuses whenever he bailed on me. Sometimes he would give me excuses but a lot of the time he just doesn't respond back to me. I have gotten all the excuses... including 'I lost the dog!!'. The thing is, I never knew what the real issue was.
In June of 2013, I made lunch plans with him and on the day of those plans, he didn't respond to my msg but instead posts a selfie of himself on Twitter in front of a food truck being like 'Darn, just missed the food truck! not a happy camper!'. I was so confused and upset. Why was he upset he missed the food truck when we had plans? It felt like he really didn't care about me, so I thought- I have to stop this. So I deleted his phone number and I deleted him off my Facebook. I spent that summer still occasionally thinking about him, but we had no communication.

It was September of 2013 when I had an extra ticket to a Toronto Film Festival movie I didn't want to see. I was asking the volunteer where I could give my ticket to someone who wanted to see it...and as I was telling her this, some woman over hears me and recognizes me as this guy's friend. She goes 'Hey! you're Adam's friend! He's actually on the way to the movie and he needs a ticket, do you mind giving me your extra one?' I was so surprised and in shock that I just kind of handed her the ticket and walked away. 5 minutes later, I get a text message saying 'Hey!' and I didn't have his number saved but I knew it was him. I was still somewhat cold to him when he called me to thank me, but I was more so still in shock that he came back into my life. A couple of days later, I re added him on Facebook and the whole thing continues. We went out probably like 6 times after we reconnected in 2013, including going to a hotel room we won at an auction together. I thought things were going well, but it was around Christmas time when he just completely vanished again. I couldn't continue doing everything again, so after new years...I sent him a really long message asking him what his deal was. Does he really like me...because generally it feels like he doesn't. When he leaves me hanging, it makes me feel stupid, unwanted, and just awful. Why do I continue to let someone affect me so much? Why am I making him a priority when he only treats me like an option. At this point, I don't know if even likes me, or if I'm just some back up guy who's playing with. I let him know how I felt ...and my msg stayed in Facebook chat 'unseen' for months. I thought that was my ticket out.

But then in February - actually Valentines day, he sends me a msg saying 'Happy Valentines day Jesse! You're the sweetest guy. I've always had feelings for you but honestly just afraid of getting hurt. Can't even look at your msgs'. And so I took that as a huge break through. I thought, okay- I am getting somewhere. On his birthday in March, I sent him a card with a song that reminds me of him, a gift card to our favorite restaurant and a really sweet message inside. He msged me saying he was overjoyed and how it means a lot to him. We made plans again a week later, and he didn't show. But instead , on the same day, he posted an article explaining anxiety in 9 easy drawings. When I read this, things started to get a lot clearer! The last drawing said, 'People with anxiety need constant reassurance and someone with patience'.. so a couple days later I also sent him an e-mail with bullet points explaining to him the reasons why why I like. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't actually think I like him so I thought, I'm going to make it really clear. But no response until two weeks later, saying how my messages me him bawl and how I'm the sweetest guy. He told me things like 'No one has ever been as nice to me as you have' 'Never thought I deserve it I guess' ...'I've always been the one to take care of others'. And I told him how I don't want to hurt him and all I want to do is understand him.

Anyways.. this year I went to Brazil for the World Cup for a month. He would send me msgs saying he missed me and such. But then when I arrived, everything went back to the way it had been. A week after I came back, we made plans, but then on the day- he told me he had to go to his co-workers place because she hadn't turned up to work for 3 days and his director asked him to go. So we postponed the hang out. Turn out- that co worker he checked up commited suicide through an overdose and he found her body. He told me he couldn't go to sleep, he told me he has trouble thinking and how he wants to scream and such. It was a long time coming, but he started to tell me more. I finally saw him again at the end of October, and I didn't actually expect to see him. But when I did, he told me so much. He told me that he has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He told me his mother died when he was 19 years old and 'other stuff'. He said finding his co-worker dead triggered a nervous breakdown. He is taking anxiety pills twice a day and is feeling better.. but in September he was in the hospital because his heart was going too fast. We had plans in September too, but he told me he was in the hospital. At first I thought maybe another excuse, but then he took a picture of his hospital bracelet.

When we're together, I try not to mention anything about how he continuously bails on me... but sometimes
I feel like I'm being a push over. It's so exhausting having to reassure this guy I care for him, when I think I've already made it so obvious that I like him so much. Plus he doesn't give me enough reassurance..so sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time on someone who doesn't like me as much. But the thing is..no other guy has ever made me feel the way he makes me feel. We have good conversations, when we're together its great... but its the times when we're not together that I think affect him so much. I'm happy he is seeing a professional and is talking about it, but now that I know what it is, I want to educate myself more and more about PTSD. What do you guys think? Do you think it's worth sticking around? It has been four years and counting and I know this isn't just going to go away. I also feel like since it's been so long and he has finally opened up to me...if I just decided I can't do it anymore, or if I was with someone else...it would devastate him. I feel like I'm almost somewhat trapped...and yet I don't even get to like cuddle with this guy because it gives him anxiety. I'm sorry for the novel and like I said in the beginning, I am extremely grateful to anyone who read this whole thing. I can't tell you enough. But please, any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much!

 

[Em C.]

Hey Jesse! Welcome to the forum!

The thing is that while this guy has ptsd which makes life harder, that is still four years of your life that have gone by without much reciprocation. You seem to be putting more emotional support into this than he is and while that can happen in ptsd relationships, there still has to be some give and take which you don't seem to be getting. I think it's great that he opened up to you but that in no way means that you have to stand by him all the time. That can lead to serious burnout and then you won't be able to help yourself or him.

I still love my abuser so I totaly get the whole idea of working for it because you love someone so much, but sometimes you have to realize that while you may love someone, it does not mean you should be with them romantically. Or at least not until they have their stuff figured out.

I hate to be harsh but just because he has ptsd does not mean that you haven't been making excuses for him. While many of us with PTSD (including myself) will dance around something instead of telling someone why we can't hang out, if it becomes a recurring thing it is not healthy for either party as the lying takes a toll.

I think educating yourself about PTSD is great but I don't think you should necessarily commit yourself entirely to this guy because, based on what you've been saying, he has been manipulating you for years.

Please don't think I'm not empathetic to you or to him. But as someone who has PTSD and has dated someone with other mental issues I have learned that while you should support those you love, you can't let their lives dictate yours. You can be supportive and a great friend but anything more than that would be disingenuous I think.

Sorry if that seems harsh it's just that recovering from the kind of relationship you are describing is hard, and sometimes caregivers of those with PTSD can get it themselves.

 

[mrsps]

Hi, I read your whole story. I would say run! I think it is lovely that your care about this guy so much and you have such fun when you are together. But you have wasted 4 years of your life waiting for him, how many more are you going to have to wait. You could be waiting forever. I don't want you to look back in the years to come and regret spending so much time waiting for him.
I know how much it hurts to walk away from someone you have such strong feelings for but you need to think of you. Chances are if you let him go you will find someone new who is right for you who will treat you with the respect you deserve. PTSD sucks! Take care x

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know if I really agree with those who have anxiety needing constant reassurance. Well, in that its not anyone else's job to reassure us. It is up to ourselves to learn how to manage the anxiety without seeking out validation from others. Ok, maybe I said that wrong, but my point is that we need to find internal ways to manage the anxiety, not external ones as we won't always have someone there to reassure us, and its a bit selfish to put that burden on someone else. I googled it and I think I found the series of drawings you're talking about. I agree with much of what was drawn, but disagree with a few things, too. I disagree with the part where it says that those with anxiety can do little to control it. That's not really true. There are many aspects that I can't control, but there are also many that I can. I just have a feeling that the artist who created those drawings wasn't taking full responsibility for his own healing.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I read your post and all I can say is there are plenty of fish in the sea. Find someone that doesn't disrespect you like the guy in your story has. You deserve it!!! Frankly, it makes my skin crawl knowing he is working with children. PTSD is not a free ticket to use and abuse people. Far from it. I don't expect anything more than common manners from others, not trolling for excuses or permission to treat people with benign neglect. You deserve better. You guys might be codependent you might want to think about that. You sound like a nice person, best wishes to you.

 

[argentinaguy]

Thank you guys for responding to my long story! Like I said, it's great to hear your opinions because most of you have experienced something similiar... maybe not to the same extent.

Here's the thing, I hear what you are all saying - but I have been on several dates during those 4 years too, with other guys. Yet none of them have been able to make me feel something like this guy has. I feel like he has made some major progress in the last couple of months and he has now acknowledged the problem and is actively looking to get through it. He posted this status on his facebook yesterday.."Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it." -Michael J. Fox . Honestly, I don't think anyone who didn't know him like I know him would even guess he has anxiety or suffers from anything at all. He is great at his job and is passionate about because he wants to improve the conditions he lived in when he was a youth. But yeah - that's no excuse to treat me the way he has. I feel like he feels he doesn't deserve me. He's told me 'no one has ever been as nice to me as you have. never thought I deserve it I guess'. I don't know. I'm a persistent SOB. But I appreciate the insight you all have given me. It's kind of like that 'Say something, I'm giving up on you song'. I really don't want to have to give up though... especially now when he's opened up to me way more.

 

[bell]

Having been in a similar situation a few times and being a sufferer myself, I'm going to chime in and say, move on.

While I do think this person cares for you deeply, love is not enough when it comes to PTSD. They have to want to get better and work on it and sometimes it takes years to get to a point where a relationship is in the cards.

And you, too, deserve love and someone that cares about you and can show it without feeling like either they are going to die or otherwise greatly compromise their personal safety. (Because vulnerability often makes PTSDers feel this way, so sometimes it's easier to forego relationships entirely.)

If I were you, I'd remember this person and their love, but not count on it. I'd look for that connection elsewhere instead of hoping they get their crap together, because that might never happen. Knowing that you are deeply loved and can deeply love should give you the confidence that you can find the same thing again and shouldn't doom you to wait on their beck and call.

Such connections are indeed rare, but don't always turn out what you wish them to be. Taking a harsh look at the reality of the situation, that they can't give you what you want and need right now, can be beneficial. Because as much as they might need love, you do, too.