SeanCharles
Diamond Member
Okay,
Today is my date of hire. Looking back upon this date which began in 2008, Several questions seem to be swirling around inside my head. What's important here is that I faced my job interview alone, nervous, anxious dissociated, and curious.
Prior to the interview I had assistance which was forced upon me by a system. A bureaucracy, a system that didn't care that they were placing undue stress on someone with PTSD and anxiety and anger and rage issues...
I appeared for this interview not knowing what to expect, hoping that my previous traumatic experience which I would base my past experience on, of course fearing that I was carrying a past trauma which occurred in a similar yet different situation would possible occur again, only to discover that was a false thought process.
In the course of the interview, my second one with department management which was prompted by my lack of retail experience, except the grocery stocking I did which lead to one of my many traumas, without cashier training.
I feel like I am rambling here, I guess I am mainly writing this to process and put things into a prospective outside of the trauma situation or maybe reflect on too how that has been and will continue to bear on this employment situation, my reactions, in all, my everything!
Something that keeps gnawing at me is the question of whether or not the last five years of six has been a waste. I won't sit here and dwell on that question as I know that below the surface, there's more than a wasted number of years of added work history and credits paid into Social Security.
Dismissing the feelings of time and energy being totally wasted; I feel that despite everything I have said in chat, and in the various threads I have posted about my current work situation that deep down a few attainable positives have come from much negativity and struggles that I have not only endured, in ways have responded to with the be of my ability even though people who observe me may not understand, while they want to know me on a deeper level they I will allow them, the question is why? why deny? why hide what my disabilities are and how they affect me and my extreme, yet rigid set of expectations when there are issues I refuse to verbalize yet hold close and dear to myselves. (Yes! That is something seen, yet not understood.. my DID).
This is not easy as I feel I have a lot to say, yet my fingers can only keep up to a certain degree. I wonder if what I perceive as my own expectations, my own wants, my own future are misaligned to those who are trying to develop me. Why? What are their goals in developing me? Do I know why they appreciate me and want me working for them? Rhetorical Questioning... Valid questions in reality.
The road has been long, winding and hilly! It's been a rough road, slippery when wet, bumpy when change ensued, though the difficulties I have remained, loyal, hard working to the best of my ability, suppressing my difficulties whenever possible.
Now, here I am standing on the mountain top, not wondering HOW I got here, rather I wonder WHY? This has been an experience which I had failed myselves because of resistance, stupidity, some naivety, lost in identifying me and my many selves within.
Taking the good with the bad, Alone, I have a lot of issues working against me. I am not willing to have someone with their own agenda trying to mold me to their plan. I am independent, Fiesty as hell, rough around the edges. I have my good days as well as my bad! I feel like I am not allowed to have these like others do. Because I am disabled, does that make it so?
I am going end here for now. Hopefully someone, anyone will read this far!
Thanks.
Today is my date of hire. Looking back upon this date which began in 2008, Several questions seem to be swirling around inside my head. What's important here is that I faced my job interview alone, nervous, anxious dissociated, and curious.
Prior to the interview I had assistance which was forced upon me by a system. A bureaucracy, a system that didn't care that they were placing undue stress on someone with PTSD and anxiety and anger and rage issues...
I appeared for this interview not knowing what to expect, hoping that my previous traumatic experience which I would base my past experience on, of course fearing that I was carrying a past trauma which occurred in a similar yet different situation would possible occur again, only to discover that was a false thought process.
In the course of the interview, my second one with department management which was prompted by my lack of retail experience, except the grocery stocking I did which lead to one of my many traumas, without cashier training.
I feel like I am rambling here, I guess I am mainly writing this to process and put things into a prospective outside of the trauma situation or maybe reflect on too how that has been and will continue to bear on this employment situation, my reactions, in all, my everything!
Something that keeps gnawing at me is the question of whether or not the last five years of six has been a waste. I won't sit here and dwell on that question as I know that below the surface, there's more than a wasted number of years of added work history and credits paid into Social Security.
Dismissing the feelings of time and energy being totally wasted; I feel that despite everything I have said in chat, and in the various threads I have posted about my current work situation that deep down a few attainable positives have come from much negativity and struggles that I have not only endured, in ways have responded to with the be of my ability even though people who observe me may not understand, while they want to know me on a deeper level they I will allow them, the question is why? why deny? why hide what my disabilities are and how they affect me and my extreme, yet rigid set of expectations when there are issues I refuse to verbalize yet hold close and dear to myselves. (Yes! That is something seen, yet not understood.. my DID).
This is not easy as I feel I have a lot to say, yet my fingers can only keep up to a certain degree. I wonder if what I perceive as my own expectations, my own wants, my own future are misaligned to those who are trying to develop me. Why? What are their goals in developing me? Do I know why they appreciate me and want me working for them? Rhetorical Questioning... Valid questions in reality.
The road has been long, winding and hilly! It's been a rough road, slippery when wet, bumpy when change ensued, though the difficulties I have remained, loyal, hard working to the best of my ability, suppressing my difficulties whenever possible.
Now, here I am standing on the mountain top, not wondering HOW I got here, rather I wonder WHY? This has been an experience which I had failed myselves because of resistance, stupidity, some naivety, lost in identifying me and my many selves within.
Taking the good with the bad, Alone, I have a lot of issues working against me. I am not willing to have someone with their own agenda trying to mold me to their plan. I am independent, Fiesty as hell, rough around the edges. I have my good days as well as my bad! I feel like I am not allowed to have these like others do. Because I am disabled, does that make it so?
I am going end here for now. Hopefully someone, anyone will read this far!
Thanks.
