Death 8 years ago today

[esz]

My dad committed suicide 8 years ago. It sounds like a long time but it feels like yesterday. I was 16. I honestly just feel even more numb about it as the years go on. Is it the pain fading with time? Or am I just cold for not feeling anything?

I can feel him fading from my memory. I wish I could just hold onto him somehow, keep him here with me. He was the only one who showed me true love, true kindness.

 

[bellbird]

Sitting with you, @esz . I am so sorry that you lost your dad. And that you lost him in that way. My heart goes out to you, especially on this day.

 

[Friday]

My deepest condolences, to you.

I hate that, by the by. How the 3D amazing, wonderful, middling, silly, funny, irritating, vexing, sense of who someone I loved -with all of my heart- begins to fade into just a sort of sense of who they were... whilst trauma memories remain as fresh and sharp as if they just happened. It’s not fair, it’s not just, and it’s on my permenant shit list. Even rehearsing memories, which is the best way I know of to keep normal memories alive... are still just... blurred. And it gets harder and harder as time goes by to remember the way they looked, the way they moved, the way they smelled, the tenor of their voice, the feelings I felt with them. Other people? Their recollections... Or things like photographs or mementos... can help with that. By adding a piece I don’t remember, it seems to refresh everything I’d forgotten or half remembered, which makes truer the memories I hold onto so hard they’d be creased and wrinkled beyond recognition if they existed outside of my mind’s eye. But it still hurts. Even when there’s nothing but joy in the recall, it hurts that I’ve forgotten.

 

[Deanna]

I remember everything about my brother. Loved him dearly. He committed suicide. Memories won't fade after 37 years. O.P. you're not alone.

 

[osiris]

Thinking of you at this difficult time @esz

 

[esz]

Thank you all for your kind replies. @Friday I totally agree. Why are so many of my strongest memories from that day, instead of any of the precious moments I had with him? It's not fair.

 

[MainerMikeBrown]

Esz, I'm also sorry about your father.

Losing your own father to suicide is tough at any age, but especially at age 16, I think. Lots of teens are emotionally delicate at that age.