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Deleted member 28403
I decided to write off as much of my story, as many chunks as I can remember. I might stop at times to rest from the pain of remembering.
I am 14 years old and right now attending a waldorf education school for it lets me follow own curriculum. I am really smart so I do everything on a much higher level. I have been bullyed for 6 years, isolated and completely without friends for 4 years. I changed 4 schools and I don't fit well with people. I feek abandoned and left out.
My first school was a school near my house which was mostly okay and which I left due to gypsys taking it over (they would beat people who couldnt pay to enter).
I left that school after my second grade ended and moved into an Italian school. In that the true bullying striked and my isolation began.
I was abandoned, noone to help me, left behind and alone.
I was left out, noone wanted to be near me so they dont get attacked. I was attacked a lot.
I was threathened with a knife - a boy with a knife at school yard door, telling me how he will kill me.
In that school in the beginning I almost had friends, but everything went away when bullying started.
There are some scenes I remember more and some I remember less, but I will try to stay timelineish.
At first there wasnt much bullying, but the wave just rose as people noticed me reading.
During bullying I started fading away, just not being there at the spot while people said stuff to me. I would hide deep into my own brain and stay there, while operating on autopilot.
I don't have many easily accessible memories, just a few couple minute long chunks with months apart, the rest is just memories of bullying that I dug deep inside me.
Hiding in my self I would shove the memories of my suffering deep deep in my brain. And with those memories everything else was pulled in. I barely remember anything from my past.
In that schools groups of 10 kids woukd throw acorns at me, or smaller rocks. They would make fun of me reading books and similar. In class they threw stuff at me. They would throw berries at me. Call me fat, stupid and such stuff. They would sometimes hit me.
One day at the school, middle of 3rd grade a boy I never saw before, probably 5th grade or so came as some bullyes invited he, he was someones brother or something.
It was PE class and we were playing some ball game (now I hate all ball ganes). Someone told me there was someone looking for me at the door and I got there and the boy spit at me and started making fun of me and stuff, I didn't understand why he was doing that. After some of that he took out a knife and started threathening me with killing me and stuff and brought the knife really close to my face. By then my self-defencse system triggered and I was completely unaware of anything. I just stood there. After a while the bell rang and I went to the classroom. That is where my memory of that day stops.
Symptoms of PTSD started and got serious when I was threathened with a knife almost a year ago. It brought back mempries and I have been falling apart since then.
I have little memory of what happened after the knife thing in that schook, but I remember another bad chunk. Few months till the end of 4th grade while I was leaving the school. I exited through the gate and was waiting at the crossing zebra, when 2 boys came and pulled down my pants and underpants and then pushed me so I fell on the road. I faded away and on autopilot just pulled up my clothes and got up, then I went home. That is where that memory stops.
After few more months of really bad stuff, and my parents not noticing until the last month of the second year in that school as the school shoved it all under the carpet I was moved to another school.
I am always in fear of being abandoned and I really see myself and my life in my lullaby, from wherenthe title came.
I must take a break now.
I am 14 years old and right now attending a waldorf education school for it lets me follow own curriculum. I am really smart so I do everything on a much higher level. I have been bullyed for 6 years, isolated and completely without friends for 4 years. I changed 4 schools and I don't fit well with people. I feek abandoned and left out.
My first school was a school near my house which was mostly okay and which I left due to gypsys taking it over (they would beat people who couldnt pay to enter).
I left that school after my second grade ended and moved into an Italian school. In that the true bullying striked and my isolation began.
I was abandoned, noone to help me, left behind and alone.
I was left out, noone wanted to be near me so they dont get attacked. I was attacked a lot.
I was threathened with a knife - a boy with a knife at school yard door, telling me how he will kill me.
In that school in the beginning I almost had friends, but everything went away when bullying started.
There are some scenes I remember more and some I remember less, but I will try to stay timelineish.
At first there wasnt much bullying, but the wave just rose as people noticed me reading.
During bullying I started fading away, just not being there at the spot while people said stuff to me. I would hide deep into my own brain and stay there, while operating on autopilot.
I don't have many easily accessible memories, just a few couple minute long chunks with months apart, the rest is just memories of bullying that I dug deep inside me.
Hiding in my self I would shove the memories of my suffering deep deep in my brain. And with those memories everything else was pulled in. I barely remember anything from my past.
In that schools groups of 10 kids woukd throw acorns at me, or smaller rocks. They would make fun of me reading books and similar. In class they threw stuff at me. They would throw berries at me. Call me fat, stupid and such stuff. They would sometimes hit me.
One day at the school, middle of 3rd grade a boy I never saw before, probably 5th grade or so came as some bullyes invited he, he was someones brother or something.
It was PE class and we were playing some ball game (now I hate all ball ganes). Someone told me there was someone looking for me at the door and I got there and the boy spit at me and started making fun of me and stuff, I didn't understand why he was doing that. After some of that he took out a knife and started threathening me with killing me and stuff and brought the knife really close to my face. By then my self-defencse system triggered and I was completely unaware of anything. I just stood there. After a while the bell rang and I went to the classroom. That is where my memory of that day stops.
Symptoms of PTSD started and got serious when I was threathened with a knife almost a year ago. It brought back mempries and I have been falling apart since then.
I have little memory of what happened after the knife thing in that schook, but I remember another bad chunk. Few months till the end of 4th grade while I was leaving the school. I exited through the gate and was waiting at the crossing zebra, when 2 boys came and pulled down my pants and underpants and then pushed me so I fell on the road. I faded away and on autopilot just pulled up my clothes and got up, then I went home. That is where that memory stops.
After few more months of really bad stuff, and my parents not noticing until the last month of the second year in that school as the school shoved it all under the carpet I was moved to another school.
I am always in fear of being abandoned and I really see myself and my life in my lullaby, from wherenthe title came.
I must take a break now.
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