A Bit Of My Story

[bitterfight_]

I've been struggling a lot lately, because of these issues.

Anyways, I had a hard time recognizing some things lately, mostly that my trauma has been compared to others. This is what gets me about trauma (sarcasm here), it's always that someone else has it worse.

It's not just bullying to me (yes, I am one of those who have PTSD from bullying). I mean I’ve had someone push me down a flight of stairs, cutting my gums on the railings. I've had someone shove their arm against my throat and threaten to beat me until I couldn’t breathe. I’ve been followed home from school, being threatened the entire way home. I’ve had ice, rocks, food/juice/water, a football or more thrown at me. I've been tripped into walls or railings, spat on, and had people try to corner me to beat me up. I’ve been called a fat bitch, worthless, a freak, and been told to kill myself. I remember eating a sandwich and then been picked on with “you shake the floor when you walk” and “why are you even eating you fat bitch?”. On top of that, the higher-ups, the people who were supposed to be looking out for me, ignored me or blamed me. I still cringe when people get too close or yell too loudly because it reminds me of it, and I still have to get off the bus when there’s too many people because I feel like I'm going to be sick. When my mom made pancakes last week, she picked on my weight because I was eating pancakes and she brought the “do you really need those pancakes?” up, and I still felt the urge to vomit or run for miles. When my therapist offered pro bono and retracted it, while saying “CHC won’t help you, you’re too high functioning”, I was trying to deny that I didn’t feel some sort of guilt for not being “depressed enough”.

There is a difference. I understand many people get bullied, but you don’t compare someone’s story to others. Let's look at how many people have committed suicide because they’ve been bullied. You can literally google it, and find out the numbers. They're staggering. I am still here, surprisingly.

I don't even know what this forum/trauma diaries is for, but I am sick and tired of being invalidated by others on my experience. I’m sick of being told to “not let it get bad” in my head when I’m depressed and need to reach out for help, or “just think happier thoughts” when I feel suicidal just because I didn’t have it as badly as others.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

People can be very insensitive. I hope I'm not going too far off tangent here... Anyway, I was molested as a child. Why is it that when it happens to a child it's "molestation" and when it happens to an adult, it's rape? To me that says, "let's make it sound fluffy because rape isn't a good word to associate with children" Oh well eff that. When someone asks me what happened, I say I was raped as a child. No, I don't sugar coat it, I put it out there, in your face. It happened to me, I can say it like that, and I most certainly do. Maybe you need to get uber real with people when they ask what your trauma was, and say I was REPEATEDLY brutally assaulted and harassed. A lot of people hear the word "bullying" and think "oh, all kids were bullied, it wasn't that bad, just a part of growing up." What happened to you is most definitely beyond what most kids experience as bullying growing up. And sometimes I think there should be a better word for it, because like the word molested, bullied is just to darn fluffy for me. It doesn't truly encompass the seriousness of what people like you have experienced.

Anyway, that's just my take on it. I hope I haven't offended you, as you most definitely don't deserve to be discounted when people think "it's only bullying" because it's NOT only bulling. It's so much more.

 

[bitterfight_]

@Solara, yes, people can be very insensitive. You're not going off tangent at all. I appreciate you sharing a bit of your background with me. First off, I think no matter what happened to you, you deserve to determine what you call it. I really hate when people try to minimize shit like that too, just to avoid associating those topics with younger ages. I'm glad you don't sugar coat it, and I think that's exactly the word I've been looking for. When I tell people I've been bullied, I immediately get the "me too", and it's like I've been trying to find the words to address that it was beyond what most people experience. I've found so many times that people try to compare what happened to me with others, and I found that saying "my bullies" was too fluff (!! I've been looking for the word, so THANK YOU!) for whatever cruel junk resides in them, so I've tried to replace that with other words as of lately. I'm still iffy on saying abusers, because most people associate that with caregivers or intimate relationships, but it occurred for 2-3 years, so I guess I could safetly say it. I don't know - still figuring it out. I am definitely going to refer to your explanation from now on, because that's exactly how I find it. You hit the nail on the head. I agree with you - there should definitely be a better word for these things, as minimizing it with "bullying" or "molestation" is too harmful to the people suffering, and doesn't put the blame on those who caused that pain. You DEFINITELY haven't offended me - in fact I feel really relieved that (1) you gave me a word for it (fluffy), and (2) you gave me another way to express it to professionals. Wow. Thank you for this response. Thank you SO much.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You're welcome! I'm glad I could help. It's hard enough dealing with all of these darn symptoms, and then having to deal with others minimizing our issues. When I get the "me too" response, I feel completely invalidated. The unspoken part of "me too" is "I don't have those problems. I am just fine! There must be something wrong with you if you can't deal with it" Of course, this is what I think in my head, and is perhaps not exactly what the other person is implying, but the feeling is there nonetheless.

I recently disclosed my obsessive thoughts to a friend after asking him the subject of his obsessions. He told me they all revolved around self-hate, negative self-worth, and self-criticism. On one hand I was SO glad to have a friend who knew what I was dealing with, as my obsessions are very much the same, but I also felt SO guilty when I actually told him that my thoughts were similar to his. I know how invalidating the "me too" statement can be, so I was sure to try and not invalidate his experiences when I was disclosing my issues, as he is diagnosed with OCD and my obsessions, while bad, don't rise to quite the level of OCD but are beyond just PTSD. Sorry for another tangent... I guess I've learned that I can identify with people AND be empathetic without discounting their experiences. I just wish that more people could do that!

Another thing that helps me is to keep things in perspective by looking at the meaning of someone's words instead of the words themselves. For example, when someone says "me too" it may feel invalidating to us, but in those moments when we disclose something big, other people oftentimes don't know the right thing to say, and sometimes they say stupid things like "me too". I'm not defending them, but rather trying to give you a different perspective. If the person is otherwise a good person who truly cares about you, then maybe try and chalk it up to the person not knowing the exact right thing to say. Maybe they felt like they could identify with you and by saying "me too", that was their way of saying "I understand". Of course, you'll have to analyze every situation on its own, as some people just say stupid, insensitive things without a care, while others truly do mean well but it comes out the wrong way.

I used to get SO mad when people wouldn't say the right thing to me when I disclosed my trauma. Then, my aunt disclosed her trauma to me. I was literally so stunned that I didn't know what to say. It was one of the few times in my life that I've been completely speechless. Somehow, even saying "I'm so sorry" seemed trivial. Her trauma was so horrific....I don't like to compare, but yes, hers was pretty bad. It was in that moment that I realized that some people simply don't know the right words to say when you disclose something so personal. It gave me a new perspective on things, and I don't get so mad anymore when people don't say the right things to me at the right time.

Of course, I don't know your situation, so maybe none of this really helps. But, I do know that regardless of what other people say, if I can reframe my mind to not take their words so personally, then it doesn't affect me so much. (I'm not blaming you or saying that any of this is your fault in any way, so I hope I'm not coming across that way. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that sometimes people say the wrong things, sometimes its just out of ignorance more than anything else, but if I can let their words roll off me like water on a duck, then I don't get so hurt. Sometimes it's literally a matter of rolling my eyes (in my mind) while thinking "you have no clue".

 

[Sally sue]

I have that same problem when I admit I have been diagnosed with PTSD :(. This one girl told me in a DBT group "oh ya, I had that, but now I'm past it and working on my BPD which is a life time very difficult road." Wow! I thought, she's not only cured from PTSD, but her problems are much more serious than mine. Then, I just felt like a big baby and that I was despicable :( and luckily told my T what a worthless waste of space I was, and she helped me see that suffering is suffering, it is all real.

Words sure can be hurtful and invalidating :cry:.

Being bullied sucks, and I'm sorry you had such stupid-heads in your life! You didn't deserve that, NOBODY does!

 

[bitterfight_]

@Solara, seriously, thank you. I don't know why I said that she said "me too" because it wasn't exactly that. She compared my trauma (vaguely) to those who have been raped. She's also (on various occasions) noted that "bullying happens to everyone" kind of thing, and has referenced to her own bullying on numerous occasions. I think she seems to forget that I was physically assaulted, and stalked (both in person and through cyberspace). As much as that should've bothered me, in the present time, I am so used to being invalidated that I just tried to "brush it off" and not "let it get to me" because that was my parent's advice growing up. I know exactly what you mean by the "I don't have these problems. I am just fine! There must be something wrong with you if you can't deal with it". I feel that way a lot. I know exactly what you mean, even if the words aren't directly spoken, they feel implied. Don't apologize for going into another story - it makes me feel more sane when I'm experiencing these things, because most people I vent to (mom per say) give me the "what are you talking about?" look, so if someone can relate, I get all the more relief. I think I've learned that way to identify and be empathetic too, without discounting, although it's always hard. I wish more people could do that too. I definitely think looking at it from another perspective is good, and I'm glad you could see it through anither person's eyes, as well as remembering it for other times and sharing it with me, but I don't think I specified too well about how I was feeling about her comparing my traumas. I am fine with the "I understand" and "me too", for the most part, but it's specific comparisons that she has done that has irritated me the most. Don't say none of it helped - you helped me a ton :) I can say "this happened" in a different way, and can understand that in my own reference to what happened to me, I was minimizing what happened. I agree indefinitely, and I am usually pretty well at it, but her recent remarks and comparisons got to me pretty badly. I am usually good with letting things like this roll off my shoulder, and coming home and thinking "okay, it was just ___, or ___), but in her recent phrasing, it really got to me.

@Sally sue, I'm sorry you've had that same problem when you have been diagnosed. It truly hurts to have the pain minimized. I hope you don't mind me laughing, but it's out of sarcasm. If that girl had said to me "oh ya, I had that, but now I'm past it and working on my BPD which is a life time very difficult road" I am pretty sure I would have scoffed or laughed out loud. PTSD, for some people, is a very long (and sometimes lifetime) road. For me, and I don't know about others because it's different, I find that you can't truly "erase" the damage done, you know? I've spent so much time trying to be "cured" but I think what I really need to focus on is just dealing with the pieces I have now, and coping the best I can. You're definitely not a big baby, nor are you despicable! I know it's hard not to believe that, but PTSD is about what happened to you. It's a hard thing to remember for me sometimes, but that is truly my saving phrase when I start to feel like a worthless waste of space. Words are definitely hurtful and invalidating, but as much as that girl is on a different path, you have your own path to follow. She may feel cured, or actually be cured (whatever that is), but your path and her path are two completely different things, on two completely different levels. They are not to be compared, as much as people want to do that. Errr, I don't know. See, I would like to agree with you and say being bullied sucks, but it's a higher level than that. I was harrassed, stalked, and assaulted on more than one occasion. Being bullied sucks, yes, but what happened to me was more than run-of-the-mill bullying. It's also a bit more than it sucking, and that is what I am trying to address in my own mind, instead of minimizing it by saying "bullying sucks" because it feels like I am generalizing it to most people's bullying. If I could put it in words, I would, so I apologize for that. It's something I'm working on :). Also, I'm sorry I had such stupid-heads in my life as well, although I have a few harsher words in mind. Thank you, and whatever your trauma, the same goes for you. Nobody deserves trauma. Life sucks sometimes haha.

 

[Sally sue]

Sorry, I didn't mean to minimize your suffering by saying "bullying sucks!" For me that expression encompasses so much more then say, "bummers." The last thing I would want to do is invalidate your pain...I'm just not good at expressing my feelings/emotions :(.

 

[bitterfight_]

@Sally sue - It's okay :) you didn't minimize it. It's just me trying to wrap my head around what happened to me. It would be easier to have a word other than bullying for it. Other people can say "I was raped" and summarize it quickly. I have "I was bullied" and I feel like it's almost given an eye roll and a brush off the shoulders as a "she's just a sensitive girl" type of thing, but what happened to me was much more than that, and I think I'm starting to realize I need to take that into account. It's okay, it's hard to find words for it, I know. I find the easiest thing to say to someone to find words for it when you hear a person's story is "I'm sorry for what happened to you" or "that's awful" instead of "that sucks" or "bummers". To me, it might be different for others though, "that sucks" or "bummers" sounds like I found a pair of pants that don't fit :) now THAT sucks hahah. You didn't invalidate me. I find I am more sensitive to the words of those who are there to "help" me (ie my support team). I just want to give other people a glimpse or offer another look at things for any possibly future situations they encounter :) I hope that makes sense. I'm no good at expressing my feelings or emotions either - but no worries! I understood what you were trying to say :)

 

[bitterfight_]

Today I can't let go of the fact that a few days ago, my dad coldly made a joke in regards to my appearance. I came out with new makeup on and I said "soo... what do you think?" and he literally said "wow! a miracle worker haha". After explaining and stressing how this affected me with my dad, he finally apologized and I accepted it, but it hurt me a lot to know he thinks I'm ugly just like they called me all those years.