A Bright Future?

[Mary]

During a lifetime of suffering, I got closer and closer to understanding what was happening to my mind and body. Anxiety, panic attacks, and then after really being strung out on stress for years (3? 4? Memory from that time is poor due to constant fight or flight state) to an extreme beyond everything that came before , PTSD. While each possible diagnosis was loaded with baggage and a bit uncomfortable, they gave me access to better tools to work with in terms of managing my specific frightening experience with the world.

A few years later and after intensive focus on trying everything I could, and finding enough successes, I no longer have a "full cup" (the cup metaphor). In fact, my baseline is lower than it has ever been in my memory. I come down from bad stress spikes, and I mean I REALLY come down, not into the lesser-hell of constant hypervigilance, constant low-level adrenaline flow, and perpetual jumpiness in fear/terror that was my daily life for so long. I feel, for the most part, "normal". Someone can slam a door behind me and sometimes I don't jump out of my skin! If I do, by self goes right back into my skin. It is so nice and functional.

So...I started thinking maybe it wasn't really PTSD. Because people don't get better from PTSD, right? That's what I had come to understand. So, maybe it is something else that caused years of persistent terror and adrenaline and fight-or-flight and jumping at every loud noise. And I should find out what that thing is so I can learn more tools to getting myself even more grounded and in the flow of the world. So, I talked with a friend about this last night. She is a therapist who has worked with many, many PTSD cases. And she said that people with PTSD can have these calms period where things feel normal. That does happen. It doesn't mean it is not PTSD and it doesn't mean PTSD is gone. Things don't go away forever.

I just managed not to cry. I want it to either not be PTSD or for it to be cured because I feel so much more on level. I want it to be over. I don't want to have to go back into that experience again.

I remind myself that I survived an absolutely hellish experience for years that amounted to daily torture and it didn't kill me or destroy me. I am actually stronger today than ever. I tell myself I can survive it again if I have to. But, my god, I do not want to.

Is there anyone here who had a period where there cup wasn't full and it stayed that way seemingly forever (for years at least)? If it has happened for you, I want to hear about it. Also, any recommendations for tools/therapies. I want to ground more/make it harder for the terror to come back. I am always up for considering new ways to work on this thing in my brain.

 

[arfie]

For allot of years I accomplished allot in spite of my PTSD. I ignored allot of symptoms through sheer strength of willful denial. It caught up with me while I was trying to balance the stress load of early parenting, running a small business and working out marital yaddahs. When the dam broke, the polluted waters gushed for several years. The disaster recovery is still on-going.

But somehow, in small, hard to pinpoint stages, it has gotten better. Allot of symptoms still present, but I have a sizeable tool box for coping and they seldom cripple me any more. I can walk past the traumatic memories to recall the precious memories and lessons of my childhood. I enjoy a depth of empathy and compassion I could not afford in the grips of denial.

I don't have any clear markers or plans to offer. Just encouragement to keep going. Recovery does happen. It is worth the effort.

 

[Marf]

I had a six year period that I was doing very well. My symptoms came back during family issues.

 

[Woof]

A Bright Future??? Hmmmmm...How about...A Future? Am I splitting hairs with semantics here, or is it a more realistic, perhaps healthy to simply hope for a future? Well...."A Future" by definition, beats "No Future" hands down every time. In addition to the past, TODAY makes a significant shift in my Future. What was done, by obvious admission, has been done. And to a degree effects the future. This much is true, to be sure. But, what is not mentioned is what is done today, has a greater impact on the future than days gone past.

There is also a definition of "Bright" that would do well to be examined. Rhetorically...what does "Bright" mean...to you? This is something that can only be defined by you and you alone.

For example, I have a very "rich" life. A very "wealthy" life. That may conjure certain ideas in ones head about my life. Which, may or may not be accurate....but I maintain, I have a "rich" and "wealthy" life. To another's understanding my life would be anything but, "rich"and "wealthy".....Does that negate my "Wealth" or my "Rich-ness"? No....as I have defined my state of "wealth" and I have claimed my "rich-ness".

Now....although I am "rich" and I have a life of "wealth".....am I not without PTSD? Well, I certainly have PTSD, still. My symptoms tend to come and go. Some days are better than others. Some days are a struggle...some weeks are a struggle. But I am still encumbered with a state of "wealth" and I remain "rich".

Oh but the Suffering! The RAGE! The Anger! The Depression!

Yes, The Suffering. The RAGE. The Anger. The Depression. All of which are, indeed, components of my experience. Each a facet of my being. As is Triumph. As is Survival. As is Understanding. As is Compassion. As is Joy. As is Love.

I have PTSD...yes, this is fact. I will not, I refuse, to allow my PTSD define who and what I am.

Does it (the symptoms) often consume my waking thoughts? Yes.
Do my symptoms often curtail my normal every day activities? Yes.
Do my symptoms often inhibit me from living and doing as I please? Yes.

I could easily ask a thousand questions of myself, in regard to my PTSD and reply in a similar manner That will NOT define me....because it is only half the story. It is not a full representation of who and what I am as a being, as a human, as a spouse, as a man as a brother.

Do my symptoms stop me from caring about others? No.
Do my symptoms stop me keep me from letting ones I love, know I love them? No.
Do my symptoms make me less of a person? No.

Fact is, I am a Survivor!

My therapist, the Trauma Lady, asked if my self imposed moniker of "Survivor" were to be removed, what would happen. It was/is simple....I would merely be a victim. In my mind, for myself and myself only....Yes, I have been victimized. But know, for a fact, beyond reproach. I am NOT a victim! I am a SURVIVOR.

Now maybe being a Survivor comes with a degree of hardship, perhaps there is no silver platter involved in my life. Perhaps I will struggle and strive, clamor and fight....but I will Survive. It is because of this....I have a Bright Future.

people with PTSD can have these calms period where things feel normal. That does happen. It doesn't mean it is not PTSD and it doesn't mean PTSD is gone. Things don't go away forever.

Yeah...true...and that sucks...but there is a beauty in that prognosis! The key will be when that beauty is found, accepted and embraced.

I told you I had a "rich" life, a life of "wealth"....it's true. I finally was able to define what "wealth" was, I realized what it meant to have a "rich" life. And yes.....my PTSD symptoms come and go. They may go for loooong periods but when they return...I recognize them. I know they drill. Like some crazy family member that no one likes....I simply know what the deal is...I cope, best I can until the symptoms subside....and sometimes that takes awhile.

If indeed your diagnosis is true and valid as PTSD....my heart is extended to you...as the movie says...."Welcome to Hell"....I understand much of what you say and know there is a "Bright Future"....but know, as the song says, "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave". Yet in that, you can have a life of "wealth" and your life can be "rich"....That choice, like PTSD rests tween your ears. I wish you.....

Much Peace
Woof

 

[Mary]

Ok. I hear where you are coming from.

For me right now a bright future would mean that I might never again in my life have to face persistent, sustained terror and pain. It seems like it is unrealistic to think that I have "beat" this back once and for all. Because of other things in my life I have adjusted to, I know there is a different type of brightness that comes with acceptance. I recognize that right now I am in the throws of grief over this new understanding. I will get there. But right now I'm going through the grief cycle. Right now I want to force it to be over. There is no one or no thing to force. I want to beg. There is no authority over this to hear my plea. So, I will be sad a while, and eventually acceptance will wash over me with its own kind of light.

Thanks.

Mary

 

[Meadowsweet]

The way I understand it is that the worse part of PTSD is the time of not understanding what is happening and having no tools with which to manage it. Once a person has the understanding of what their mind can be like, it is unlikely that they will go back to that.

For example, with unmanaged PTSD, that big guy who brushed past you on the bus IS a rapist, you know everything he's going to do and can feel it already - so you candidly leap off the bus at the last minute so he can't follow you (even though its not your stop), and sit on a bench having a panic attack not knowing how you'll get home. When you do get home, not remembering much about it, you never take the bus again and lose your job because you can't get there.

With managed PTSD, that big guy who brushed past you on the bus has triggered body memories and intrusive thoughts/images, and you feel like you just want to run screaming from the bus. But because you know how PTSD works, your internal dialogue can give reassurance = it's ok, he accidentally brushed past, the memories of the past have been triggered, but I'm here now, on this bus, not back then and nothing bad has happened. You might still be looking over your shoulder all the way home, but when you get home, you carry on your own therapy by reinforcing the fact that nothing bad happened.

The second scenario is unpleasant, but it's not the same level of terror that the first experience created.

 

[Mary]

Thank you. That is fortifying.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

The way I understand it is that the worse part of PTSD is the time of not understanding what is happening and having no tools with which to manage it. Once a person has the understanding of what their mind can be like, it is unlikely that they will go back to that.

It's working the opposite for me. For years I only had terrifying feelings to go on with a few partial memories. I started having flashbacks in my early 20's. I wrote them off to life with the crazies. Blissfully unaware. I felt my way through it. Many memories didn't make sense. I had enough to give me the general gist.:eek: Enough to know they're sick bastards. It's easy to suppress what you don't fully understand. I simply didn't understand and was grateful I didn't! Why explore what your mind blocked. Good enough for me! :)

I thought I had a heart problem (Panic attacks) and my hyper thyroid explained my hyper vigilance. Other symptoms I thought I was physically sick. Denial can be a beautiful thing. :) The last thing I was ever going to acknowledge was/is the bastards can affect my day. LOL

And here I am. On the bright side...I now understand all my hang ups and once I get past the horror and I'll be free at last from the ALL the insanity I was forced to endure. By all means it's something to look forward to! From here on out it's all about vindication. AMEN.