Hi. I don't really know where to begin. I have suffered from anxiety & depression since my teens, and finally got the courage to seek treatment at 21, when my life started to fall apart- like I had been carrying everything too long on my own. So I fell out of reality- started on intensive therapy, medications, went in and out of a voluntary psych unit (11 admissions over 9 years) & spent nearly a year in day programs. Those were like a babysitting service- I was so self destructive, panicky & dissociative I needed a minder. I have attempted suicide 5 times. I have self harmed for years but now have stopped. I am now married, have a successful career, a home and a child.
I've had various diagnoses I suppose (major depression, GAD, panic disorder, DESNOS, PTSD, BPD, but my psychiatrist (who is also my therapist) says labels aren't really all that helpful.
My past includes childhood neglect, emotional abuse, a parent & brother with mental illness, sexual assault by a stranger & by someone far too close to home. I have worked with my doc for 10 years, 2 or 3 sessions a week & have shied away from discussing the worst of it, until very recently. I feel intense shame and excruciatingly exposed when baring my soul- and my past. I was always taught to be grown up, independent, to not need help. I have been highly adept at using dissociation to protect me from feeling- but I know that it controls me & I am frustrated by the way I spend so much time "zoned out" when I need to find the courage to connect & trust & allow my doctor to help me heal.
I now probably have a conversion disorder tag-- I have issues with chronic musculoskeletal pain, sexual dysfunction, chronic migraine... So 10 years on I'm still a mess. But it took at least 3 or 4 years of therapy before I admitted I'd been raped- even to myself. I guess I worked hard to maintain he memories as "only a dream" but occasionally unbidden, or more often with talking about it, I trigger flashbacks and a picture too detailed to ignore.
Now I have a baby I need to heal in a healthy way, avoid hospital, self harm & suicide attempts, but it is so hard. I am a frightened child.
I've had various diagnoses I suppose (major depression, GAD, panic disorder, DESNOS, PTSD, BPD, but my psychiatrist (who is also my therapist) says labels aren't really all that helpful.
My past includes childhood neglect, emotional abuse, a parent & brother with mental illness, sexual assault by a stranger & by someone far too close to home. I have worked with my doc for 10 years, 2 or 3 sessions a week & have shied away from discussing the worst of it, until very recently. I feel intense shame and excruciatingly exposed when baring my soul- and my past. I was always taught to be grown up, independent, to not need help. I have been highly adept at using dissociation to protect me from feeling- but I know that it controls me & I am frustrated by the way I spend so much time "zoned out" when I need to find the courage to connect & trust & allow my doctor to help me heal.
I now probably have a conversion disorder tag-- I have issues with chronic musculoskeletal pain, sexual dysfunction, chronic migraine... So 10 years on I'm still a mess. But it took at least 3 or 4 years of therapy before I admitted I'd been raped- even to myself. I guess I worked hard to maintain he memories as "only a dream" but occasionally unbidden, or more often with talking about it, I trigger flashbacks and a picture too detailed to ignore.
Now I have a baby I need to heal in a healthy way, avoid hospital, self harm & suicide attempts, but it is so hard. I am a frightened child.
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