A Glimmer Of Hope...

[Deleted member 33052]

Have you read any of Brene Brown's work about shame and vulnerability? If not, you might be interes...

I've seen her TED talks, many times, I think. I haven't read any of her books yet. Do you have a favourite that you would recommend? Thanks!

 

[Lilith Jane]

I've seen her TED talks, many times, I think. I haven't read any of her books yet. Do you have a...

I finished Daring Greatly and LOVED it - still processing it! Right now I'm working on Rising Strong, but it's taking longer . . . what she has to say is - for me, at least, I can say - so revolutionary that it needs time to sink in. But I'm making real, significant changes in my life as a result of her work, and I consider that in itself to be high praise! :-) Highly recommended - and if you read it I'd love to hear your thoughts!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I've discovered another reason to be grateful for my PTSD. I do understand that my feelings on PTSD aren't exactly accepted with open arms here, but that's ok. My thoughts have never really fit with the world at large, and I'm fine with that. I don't lead or follow, I walk my own path. I do want to share, though, in the hope that someone might want to work with it, rather than against it.

I can only speak for myself. I don't know if this happens to anyone else or everyone else, but when my PTSD was triggered last year, my ego was broken into a million pieces. This misguided caregiver, this unhealthy, fearful protector was damaged to the point that it could no longer control me. I still had moments of insecurity and jealousy,
self-consciousness and uncertainty, but suddenly they were just voices in the chorus. I realized that I'm not those feelings. My ego isn't authentic, it's not who I am. It's just a small piece of a very large puzzle.

So, this thing that had always controlled me, had built a facade for me so that I would appear to fit in with the world, was effectively gone. What was left was me. No pretense, no mask. Just me. And because of that, I began to transcend my ego.

 

[ladee]

I also am grateful for PTSD. Lessons about myself and the world I live in have gone much deeper and are longer lasting.
Today what you see is what you get. Hard painful journey at times. Questioned my drive for healing. Took many side trips of denial and avoidence. Somewhere along this journey acceptance happened.
And under all that pain I found me.
I never doubt my strengths , my ability to persevere. Grateful for the deep compassion I learned to give myself and others. A deeper level of empathy.
So I understand what you are sharing. And being popular was never on my bucket list ! My life, my journey, my choice .

 

[RavenGirl]

a facade for me so that I would appear to fit in with the world,

Yes, you hit through nail right on its head! This trauma changes us, and we feel different from others, maybe even less. So we / I put on this mask, this facade to fit in... I now don't do that anymore. I am who I am, like/ love me or don't but I won't hide anymore.

I love what you wrote! ♡♡:hug::hug:Raven

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@RavenGirl Thank you! It's a relief to know that someone feels the same way.

I don't know how you make those really cute hearts, but right back at you!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@ladee, I've missed you!

*Texas-sized hug*

 

[ladee]

Miss you too Cap'n. Hope I get my laptop fixed soon. Missing getting to keep up with everyone. Hugs

 

[Deleted member 33052]

That ego is f*cking determined to keep me down! I guess I should have said that I have fleeting moments of transcendence, because the shine has already begun to dull.

I need to hear my ego, respect it for trying to help me, and then look past it to the whole me.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I posted a draft of this poem in my trauma diary, but as I began to edit it, I discovered that rather than being an angry attack at my stbx husband, it was an affirmation of my growth and healing, and love. So, thank you to my dear friends who managed to get through the first draft, and here's (what I hope is) the final version :

Champion, raise your banner one thousand times and wage one thousand bloody battles
The heart of the warrior will not be revealed to you

Argue one thousand positions with the unflagging passion of a true believer
Only the truth can make you right.

You may break one thousand hearts, or crush a single heart one thousand times, Conquistador
Yours will still not know love.

Weep at the sight of one thousand distended bellies, one thousand meaningless deaths
The sum of your tears do not equal compassion.

You can walk one thousand miles, search one thousand places
And you remain hopelessly lost.

Hold fast to one thousand grudges, nurse one thousand hurts
That fortress that surrounds you was not forged from the blood of a martyr

Trick one thousand jailers into unlocking the doors of one thousand cells
Yet you remain imprisoned

Your lungs may rise and fall one thousand thousand thousand times.
Do any one of those breaths prove that you have lived?

Encase the fist that grips your lash in one thousand layers of the finest velvet
The blistering sting is not dampened

One thousand times my heart may suffer your strike, and as each stroke slices deeper, I offer it to you again, and yet again
And when the last of the thousand crushing layers of trauma has been seared away, I will transcend this broken and bereft place
.........................

Thank you, friends, for reading.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I've made peace with my father. My anger, my shame and my feelings of betrayal have been replaced with compassion.

In my attempt to understand what caused him to abuse me, I began to learn about his life - his vicious, sociopathic, incestuous mother, his terrifying childhood, and then his narcissistic, violent wife who, he believed, was going to kill him. I discovered the deeply wounded and troubled soul buried within that ice-cold exterior, who occasionally lost control to his rage, and exploded with the fury of a bomb.

Learning about him allowed me to accept - emotionally - that it was never about me. I may have triggered him, but he acted from his past, just as I do when I've been triggered.

I'm free. I have told him that I no longer feel any hatred or anger toward him, and I told him I accept that he did the best he was able to do, both for and against me.

I don't know if he has spent a lifetime or even a moment regretting his treatment of me, but on the chance that he has, I hope he can rest easier. I don't expect to ever see him or talk to him again, but when he is on his deathbed, I want him to be at peace.

 

[RavenGirl]

Wow, very deep. Very releasing of years of pain, anger, and so very healing. How very Compassionate and understanding of you.

I am still learning to find and accept in my life what you so eloquently described in your last post. I hope I can one day soon have that same grace towards my abusive brother (I'm not sure about that) and for my parents who didn't listen to the child who tried to tell them what was happening.

You give me hope that maybe some day I too will find it in my heart to have that same compassion and be able to drop the oh so heavy weight from my shoulders. Raven