A Good Day?

[frozen]

It's been 6 long, agaonizing long years since I've had a good day. I have managed to just get through the others, they have never been good, but some more tolerable.

Yesterday I actually left the house, I spent the day with my daughter who is 8 months pregnant with my first grandbaby, we got to pick out a few things (first spendable money in 6 years) for the baby, and I got to pick out the baby's special baby blanket...the one that will stay with her. It was a good day.

Today, however, life crumbled. It's been coming, I have felt it, I have known it. It feels like I've had a very vivid dream of all that's happening, as if I lived it and knew exactly what was going to happen. Right now I am thanking God and any other being out there for the ability for my brain to go completely numb.

I by-passed the pain and straight into total denial and numbness. It will save my life tonight.
I am truly grateful for it though as I know when reality hits, I'm done, it will be a pain like no other even though I have felt there couldn't be any worse pain than what I've already felt..there is, and I know I have no coping skills whatsoever.

If miracles happen, it will take one.

I apologize for being quite vague with the details of my situation, but I've worked damn hard to get them in that jar with the lid on so tight it can't be opened. I won't open it, not on my life I will not release all it holds ever.

I feel over confident that this is finally the end....has anyone been there and actually made it?

 

[heidi]

I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something to be helpful but I just don't know what to say.
Hang in there. If you'd like you can PM me.

 

[anthony]

I'm finding it difficult to believe that in 6 years you can only identify one good day. I went through some miserable shit for years, though I still had plenty of days that I enjoyed within it. Even in what some may find as misery, I actually had good moments and good days that I wouldn't change.

 

[frozen]

I'm finding it difficult to believe that in 6 years you can only identify one good day. I went through some miserable shit for years, though I still had plenty of days that I enjoyed within it. Even in what some may find as misery, I actually had good moments and good days that I wouldn't change.

I think that had to be the most helpful response I've ever gotten. Thank you.

"I doubt what you're saying is true".....these always feel so good!! :/

 

[anthony]

Sorry... just sounded like a pity party to me, which isn't beneficial IMHO.

 

[KP the nut]

Frozen, I think we could all looking back say something similar. But as Anthony said, the good days are there.

When I was at my worst, my T suggested I start writing down all of the things each day for which I was grateful, thankful, proud of, pleased or happy about. I had to choose a pretty notebook, something in which I would enjoy writing. My first book had a picture of Eeyore on it with the words 'Somedays just don't let you stay Gloomy', it seemed so apt.

To begin with it was difficult, but I challenged myself to write something daily. It was things like, seeing flowers/bulbs flower, birdsong, watching birds, family, even getting out of bed, showered and dressed. I am now on my 4th book and my writing style has changed but the format is the same. It greatly helped me and as I look back I see the good days.

Why not try it?

 

[Charmedone]

Iv felt like I wasn't going to get through lots so I understand, try to focus on your grand baby you have so much to look forward to...
I wish for you to be ok, I hope you find the strength you need x

 

[Hashi]

Thinking about the last 6 years I can remember four good days. Maybe there were more, but I doubt I'd have forgotten about them. As you say, frozen, there have been some other days that have been tolerable and that's all. That's not a pity party, and sadly it's not hard for me to believe what you wrote. For some of us it's how things are.

In a way, a good day can make the "usual" bad days worse than if I never had a good day at all. It's bitter to see how my life might have been, and have the comparison of what its like to live without dragging myself through. It makes me want to give up more than want to keep going. If I didn't acknowledge that, I'd only be invalidating my own feelings.

In my case, I think the extent of the depression is a direct result of how successfully I've numbed out and kept a lid on things. I don't blame myself for the numbing/minimising/denial Ive done in the past, it was the only coping method I had at the time. Now I've learnt different approaches and letting things be real is overwhelming and exhausting, so that makes me feel just as bad if not worse.

It's also to do with the baseline I'm starting from - I have no baseline from earlier in my life for feeling safe, happy or connected, or even just OK, so I have nothing at all to reach back to, only what I can somehow create to go forward.

frozen, I think that things might be feeling so bad because you're starting to open up to things and deal with them. I understand having to retreat back into withdrawal in order to keep going, but at least you're emerging now and then. That's something.

You really have to work on coping skills, though - I'm concerned when you say you don't have any. That's where I'd get tough and say - you just have to, however hard it is and however much you don't want to. You have to do deep breathing, journalling, colouring, drawing geometric patterns, cleaning, listening to music, writing poems ("bad" ones are fine), doing art, rocking yourself, playing computer games, looking after a plant... whatever makes things a fraction more bearable. You need a mixture of expressing your feelings and distracting yourself from them. And you have to keep doing it. It isn't an option. When you ask if anyone else has been there, yes I am there and this is how you make it through.

Thinking of you.

 

[Ted Moen]

Good days come now and then, especially with grandchildren around. Enjoy them when they happen, savor them while you are executing the routine that gets you through the other days, anticipate the next enjoyable day. It will come. Learning to let ourselves enjoy is a major step in recovery. Good job.

Ted

 

[The Albatross]

Frozen... the miracle was that you had a good day, and that you missed it when you woke expecting it to continue and sustain itself without any investment, choice, decisions, actions from yourself.

Good days don't often just happen... they are more likely to happen with consistent, decision making and challenges. People who solve problems make a commitment and take decisive action ... not just roll out of bed expecting "something to be different".

I agreed with Anthony, because my mind magnified my bad and difficult, fearful and sad times into "always, every day, and forever" thoughts. It became paralyzing. But I did a series of 28 day challenges and found, that mostly little nice things sometimes large things did happen... but I was so focused on the expectation of unpleasant or awful things (and my brain was serving up reinforcing memories and thoughts as fast as it could because it "aims to please" and give us more of what it thinks we want more of)... that I did not acknowledge them.

My mom did this with stickers and a day runner... I just marked a calendar. If it was a crap day it stayed blank. If it was a "tolerable" or an okay day it got a mark (my mom put a sticker)... if it was a happy, or good or great or joyful day... I circled it on my calendar (my mom would put stars on that day).

No judgments were made about her day runner or my calendar... basically we just tracked our mood and monitored our satisfaction level. Dismally low was mine, but there were a day (as Anthony shared) here and there that was not miserable.

It was a starting place only. Your post is your starting place now. You had a good day with your daughter and your former way of living is no longer acceptable for you. You now desire more good days. Emotional self regulation, stress and frustration tolerance challenges, decisive mental emotional self talk, and conscious decision making and practice can improve the quality of your days.

The starting point of my days is generally better, the quality of my days now is generally better... the number of satisfactory days in a row is more, and the duration of down days is shorter. Honest.

 

[heidi]

Frozen... the miracle was that you had a good day, and that you missed it when you woke expecting it to continue and sustain itself without any investment, choice, decisions, actions from yourself.

Good days don't often just happen... they are more likely to happen with consistent, decision making and challenges. People who solve problems make a commitment and take decisive action ... not just roll out of bed expecting "something to be different".

I think that presumes a lot. When a person has ptsd I don't think anyone rolls out of bed expecting anything. What do you know of the effort made in that person's life or the effect that has on the number of good days experienced.
That's a lot of blame.