Childhood A Heap Of Childhood Stressors

[watundah]

I was raised by two alcoholics. My childhood could be found under the banner of cigarette smoke, beer and valium. I was also molested when I was around 4-5. Experiencing 18 years of drunken insanity, lack of emotions, fighting, etc. and the way that I withdrew to deal with it has caused me hours, $$$$, etc. in therapy. I feel as though because the molestation happened at such a young age that I didn't really know that what was happening was wrong, and that I was not physically hurt, then buried the memories for 40 years, that it is not as significant as the ongoing neglect and emotional pain that I endured for years.

Lately, because I brought it up one time, therapy bounces around the molestation. Part of me believes more happened than I recall (and that scares me). But I guess my question is, how do I know if it really needs dug into when my psyche is already carrying buckets of wounds from other abuses? I was terrorized by many things, but not that, however now my therapist is kind of focused on it. Am I marginalizing this trauma? Was tiny bucket A really worse than big bucket B?

 

[Suzetig]

It's your therapy, if it's not something you feel you want to deal with just now, or even need to deal with at all, it's fine to tell her that. I think there's a default position that says molestation/sexual abuse is the worst thing that can happen to a child, when physical and emotional abuse and neglect all create their own wounds. There may be more than you can remember, there may not be but its for you to decide what's important for you to address in therapy so if you need her to back off, tell her and she should do just that.

 

[watundah]

I am terribly avoidant and need prodding, so that is not really a concern..I appreciate it when she tries to pry the lid open just a bit more. I guess my point is, I agree with you that there is a default that that is the worst that can happen. She believes it is the reason why I spend so much time in a frozen state. Maybe she's right? It's a lot to dig through and it's all a big shit pile. How do you prioritize?

 

[PoopyPTSD]

Hi, you sound just like me. I buried mine for 28 years until I had my son and then I had to protect him from something I couldn't really remember but knew it could cost him his life. I realized it didn't matter how many band aids I put on the very early past, at 2-7 years of age and even beyond that the horrible things. Anything I experienced past that was amplified 10 fold by what happened to me at such a young age. I am on year 6 of EMDR treatment and it's been the hardest journey. However now, I'm not dependent on medication, and I am the best mom I can be with my baggage. I guess I see it as a trash bag. Horrible stuff can stay on top but the really stinky stuff is still fermenting on the bottom, until that's dealt with, it's always going to linger. Hope this helps.....

 

[Tinyflame]

I think when a lot happens, a lot gets minimized because at the times when it occurs things get prioritized, even for survival purposes. Perhaps if other things weren't having had to be dealt with, those other things wouldn't have been entirely minimized or even blocked out or what have you. Not that they didn't have impact, but that there was so much else who had the emotional ability to do anything but 'ignore' (minimize, etc) them?

Good luck @watundah .

 

[scout86]

Am I marginalizing this trauma?

One of the things I ask myself, when considering this, is "How would I feel about talking about this if it actually WAS 'not a big deal'?" Because, if my reaction to something is different than that, the next thing to wonder about is "what makes it different?" I'm not saying you need to deal with this NOW either. I'm hoping your T is a pretty good judge of that. Just saying that those things that are truly not a big deal are usually easy enough to talk about.

 

[katz]

Remember to always have the faith in yourself that you won't remember more then you can handle. I hope your T realizes this and knows your breaking point. You don't deserve to be hurt more. I buried my memories for over 40 years also. If fact, I have "forgotten" them once or twice--again--over the years. Then, some come back when I am ready to process them.
So, give yourself some lee-way. You are in no rush and should move at a pace that is comfortable for you.

 

[watundah]

Thanks, all.

Everything does get blurred, especially with the passage of time and what was then probably a dissociated state.

My therapist is wise in that she asks an occasional question here and there, keeps the topic alive but does not push me. I think she is trying very gently to peel this onion without adding additional stress. It's a huge step for me to be able to talk about it at all.

I know there are things that I don't remember. That alone feels very strange (and is an odd sentence to simply look at on the screen.)

 

[Chava]

How to prioritize? Good question. I tend to work with whatever is most present (and my therapist helps with that). If it's a frozen state, what's going on with that? If I can't settle down, what's the deal there? Often I'm not connecting it to a past trauma so much as finding current ways to regulate better (that's the brunt of healing for me). Some of the trauma details and body memories resurface as I'm melting down over some current stress. So then we deal with trying to unglue the past and present.