A letter to my stepfather

[loui50]

So my therapy assignment was to write a letter to my stepfather who abused me. I wanted to share it and hopefully get some feedback before I have to read it out loud in therapy.


Let me just start with I hate you! You hurt me! You were mean. Your wants and needs always came first and you didn’t even seem to care about me or Heather. You are controlling and self-centered. I lived in fear when I lived with you. Fear that you would hit me, throw me against the wall, fear that you would rape me. You didn’t respect my boundaries. I was your daughter, not a sex object. You touched me in inappropriate ways. You acted like I was just an object for you to use. You left me with a sense of shame and guilt that I can’t leave behind. I dreaded hearing your car pull up to the house. I didn’t feel safe when you were home. Emotionally safe or physically safe. Do you have any comprehension of the scars you left behind? Do you even care? I use to wish I would die because I didn’t want to be around you. I use to go to bed at night praying that I wouldn’t wake up. All because you were a heartless monster that I had to live with. But you know what, you don’t get to win. You may have left scars and you may have used me, but I have formed relationships with my family that you couldn’t even hope to have. My husband and I respect each other, care for each other and support each other. My kids know true love and safety. They know that their father and I will protect them. Something every child should know. I didn’t get that safety as a child. I was scared. You yelled at me and threatened me, hit me, sat on me, threw me against the wall. You were angry all the time. I could do nothing right in your eyes. I felt insignificant. Unworthy of love. You only cared about Michael. I guess I never truly was your daughter. Why did you say I was? For Mom? You didn’t care about me.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hearing you. XO

 

[Freida]

But you know what, you don’t get to win. You may have left scars and you may have used me, but I have formed relationships with my family that you couldn’t even hope to have. My husband and I respect each other, care for each other and support each other. My kids know true love and safety. They know that their father and I will protect the

I'm so sorry you had to go thru this but so happy you created a better life for you and your family :hug:

 

[loui50]

I finally told my therapist that I wrote this. She wants to read it but I'm not sure I'm ready to go there. I'm crying just rereading it by myself. I don't want to talk about it. But I know I need to. What do I do. I lied to her and told her I didn't have it with me last week. It was in my purse. I don't know how to deal with this.

 

[Jade-]

I wrote letters similar to yours.What I did was turn my chair completely around during sessions and read the letters out loud to my therapist.

I found it very healing.

 

[loui50]

I wrote letters similar to yours.What I did was turn my chair completely around during sessions and read the letters out loud to my therapist.

I found it very healing.

I'm scared to do this. She wants me to read them out loud. I did one that was a letter to my inner child. I found it very difficult. I often feel like a child at therapy. I was reading the letter and she had to keep reminding me that I'm the adult, not the child. I couldn't find my voice. If my stepfather were standing there I feel like I could yell it at him. I was so angry writing it. I'm half tempted to mail it. I'm just afraid to hurt my mom.

 

[Jade-]

I'm scared to do this. She wants me to read them out loud. I did one that was a letter to my inner child. I found it very difficult. I often feel like a child at therapy. I was reading the letter and she had to keep reminding me that I'm the adult, not the child. I couldn't find my voice. If my stepfather were standing there I feel like I could yell it at him. I was so angry writing it. I'm half tempted to mail it. I'm just afraid to hurt my mom.

I understand being scared,I was too.Turning my chair around so I didn't have to face my therapist made it do-able.After awhile and many letters I was able to face him and read them to him.

My letters were to my Dad.It was very healing to do,especially with him no longer being alive.I did write one to my mom and in a fit of rage mailed it to her.It was a huge mistake and I regret it now.

 

[Missycat]

I can understand its tough , i can feel the hurt and pain in your letters. If its too hard to read the letter out ask your therapist to? Maybe email them the letter/ words and ask them to read it aloud first. Hearing the words is hard as it becomes so real but it may be a good starting point for you.