A Life In Chains

[AzureMind]

Well, I'm actually glad that I'm not the only one in the midst of a psychological war! The road back to 'normalcy' I'm learning is overrated, and a road to self-actualization is a lot more appealing these days.

 

[Hashi]

I think we have to find a way to make it safe enough to allow the emotions, otherwise we'll block them in some way, such as by dissociating.

For me, I have to work on containment - allowing them a little bit at a time. Art is one way, using collage, drawings, texture or colour to express how the emotion feels. Another way is to choose a metaphor for the emotion and write about the metaphor (for example, I might say my grief is like a ghost, then I describe the ghost, what it looks like, how it moves, what it says, what I'd like it to say). Art or writing allow me to look at the emotion in a slightly detached way, which makes it safer, and I can stop when I need to.

The emotions are very, very hard to face though. Difficult even to accept they're there. I don't know if you know the poem "The Guest House" by Rumi? (below) I try to remember this.


The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 

[AzureMind]

Excellent poem Hashi. Very succinctly put as well; emotions really are guides, and catalysts for new things to come our way. I'm still trying to figure out all of what my emotions mean in response to my past, present, and future; perhaps they say who NOT to be, and what NOT to do, or say in an effort to become who you're meant to be, do, and say. All I know is, is that these emotions are very deep, and strong, and they don't change; there's anger, frustration, hurt, disappointment, loneliness (extreme). these are emotions based on injustices, and maltreatments done to me, and I know that NOTHING (no amount of apologies, gifts, tokens of appreciation) will ever fix that from my abusers.

I'm thinking instead that I need to just focus on righting my own wrongs my own way, and trying to develop some compassion towards myself, and self-love for who I am. Feeling like an 'fish out of water' in your family, AND in your culture is hard; I know why I'm like this, and it's something I've had to keep to myself for a while; I think the sooner I put my past behind me by accepting it, I can begin to move on; I don't know if that means I'll remember everything explicitly, but I'm choosing to move on with my life; anything to get out of this funk I'm in, this perpetual sense of loss of self, identity, and individuality has got to go.

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

My abusive father gave me a plaque that said, "I smile because you are my daughter. I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it."

I took my broad sword and I smashed the ceramic plaque into a thousand pieces. Controlling your anger does not have to mean that you never let it out.