A Little Help If Possible, Please - Anger / Frustration / Anxiety

[BassistKara]

About a week and a half ago i started experiencing really really intense uncontrollable anger/frustration/anxiety which led me to self harm(cutting and OD'ing on xanax), drink myself stupid and throw things around the room, they have happened about 4 times since they started a week and a half ago and keep getting worse and worse, and its starting to scare me...So i started seeing a counsellor through CASA(centre against sexual assault) on tuesday....and i was fine after i got home until i went to bed that night and then when i closed my eyes all i could see was the abuse happening like i was watching a movie, or just seeing his face, then i couldnt stop thinking about it which then led me into another one of those uncontrollable time like i described above to the point where i had to take some xanax which i hadnt taken in an OD form since the end of last year due to being slightly addicted to it....It just seems to be getting worse and worse and i really cant deal with it and am scared of what i could possibly do in one of these situations....and this morning i woke up and thought that my abuser was coming back to do it all again....
Im not really sure what im asking for here, maybe just some advice to try and cope with it all...
Thanks for reading

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's awful, I know. All I can think of to say is to try to remember that it's not happening now. Believe me, I know how hard that can be, especially when you're sort of reliving it all, but try to just keep repeating to yourself: I'm safe now. This isn't happening now. This is in the past. I'm okay now.

It can also help in the moment to practice getting a good image in your mind of a really safe, comfortable place that you can picture yourself in. For example, for me, that place is a beautiful pond, with trees and flowers all around. It's totally protected so that no one can intrude on me.

 

[BassistKara]

Thanks hodge, and your right it is sooooo hard, ive been trying that self talk but it doesnt seem to be working all that well....does it just take time for your mind to be convinced by what your saying rather than what your thinking?

My CASA counsellor gave me these sheets for Flashback and Nightmare Protocols and part of that is finding a safe place, but no matter where i am, or try to imagine myself being i dont feel safe...Is that normal?

 

[hodge]

Yes, I think that is normal for us. It takes practice. You have to get used to letting your imagination work for you (as opposed to against you, like in flashbacks, memories, etc.). I had so much trouble with this for awhile. I love being in the water, so my place was always going to revolve around a body of water. But I got snagged up feeling unsafe in the place I imagined, that the bodyguards would not be trustworthy. Then, I realized, this is my imagination. I can make it to be however I want. So I replaced the human bodyguards with super-reliant computer bodyguards. I know this all can sound so ridiculous, but this is my safe imaginary place we're talking about!! You can make one, too. And maybe it will do something good when the self-talk doesn't help. And yes, yes, yes, it does take time and practice for your mind to get what you're telling it, so don't give up, even if it's not working right away, okay?

Also, please go easy on yourself. It sounds like you are just starting out on this. For me, that was a time of real disorientation. It was so hard for me to get a grip.

 

[BassistKara]

Thanks again, i'll keep working on it as best as i can...Its just so frustrating having all these things being my kind of normal for almost 10 years and now having to retrain myself and actually deal with things in a somewhat safe and productive manner, rather than a destructive unproductive way....
And as you said, i am just starting out on this and feel like im losing grip and just dont have a clue whats going on, and my thoughts are scattered beyond belief....

 

[hodge]

I know exactly what you're talking about. I know you said you're seeing a therapist. Have they recommended any books for you? That can help. Although maybe you haven't gotten far enough into your stuff for your therapist to recommend anything.

Please believe me, I am not trying to put any pressure on you, but, really the more we know here, the more we can try to help. I'm feeling kind of lost as to what to suggest right now.

At least I can reassure you that you are not alone in this struggle. Hang in there, it is worth healing from.

 

[BassistKara]

Nah, they havent recommended any books as yet, apart from those few photocopied sheets they gave me about what flashbacks and nightmares are and the protocol to try and help with them....
Dont worry, your not putting pressue on me...
Ive been in some sort of therapy since i was about 9(before the abuse happened)...but after it happened when iw as 10 i lost all memory of it for about 2-3 years..and it when came back i went through hell and back between suicide attempts, drinking, drugs, cutting, physical abuse from my mum, suspended from school, psych ward admissions, being kicked outta home etc etc.....and my dad only found out what happened to me about a year and half ago, and the only reason i told him was becasue i was suicidal and had to blame someone for what happened(even though it wasnt his fault). Then about 2 months later i got him to tell my mum, she then proceeded to be nice to be for a week, then when it was just me and her in the room she told me "i dont believe that it happened, and even if it did it was your own fault"....
I spose i should also mention that i was raped once, and molested 3 times by my mums boyfriend when i was 10....

 

[hodge]

I have to say that this is really hard for me now, but I recognize some of my own experiences now in what you've been through. I'm sorry, I just can't write about them right now. But I will. Just please hang in there, and know that you are not alone.

 

[BassistKara]

No worries hodge, and no need to apologise! I tend to freak a bit too when i see myself in other peoples experiences....Thanks again for your help though, its very much appreciated

 

[wildfirewildone]

:hello: I just read a few of your posts on this thread....My heart goes out to you.....I was emotionally..physically..and sexually by my father for about 18 years...so I can understand quite a lot about your feelings at this time...Of course my mother did nothing to protect me...The flashbacks can be a bitch!! There is a lot of information on this site that explains stuff that goes on with being traumatized and ending up with PTSD....Please check the information section out....I hope you have a better day today!!:smile: Do something nice for your self each day...something that you really enjoy!!! KEEPING THE PEACE

 

[Monarch]

Kara, just be strong, self talk is something you have to practice at, it took me months to catch on to that, I had that talk with my therapist, " are you sure I am doing this right, it isn't helping". As for the flashbacks, remember, you don't have to live it over that way, the way it happened again, change it, kick, run, scream, fly away. I will myself to fly away everytime I see the assult flashback. At first he would still chase me and catch me everytime and eventually my brain let go of that and now I fly away and leave him behind.

 

[BassistKara]

Wildfirewildone- Thanks for the reply... and im having a hard time getting over my parents not protecting, but hey, maybe one day that'll change....and i am having a better day today actually, going out tonight for the first time in a while with some friends so lets hope my anxiety doesnt get the better of me!

Monarch- Thanks also for the reply....ive realise now that it will take time, but im still secretly hoping for something that'll fix it right this very moment...And i never thought of trying to change the flashbacks before, anything is worth a shot!