So, I posted a little while ago, shortly after finding this site. Let me start off by saying this: you all are a godsend. This forum has been so incredibly informative and it helps to hear from others in similar situations. Thank you.
I guess tonight, I'm ready for a little feedback. Long story short: I'd been dating a vet with PTSD and TBI for about six months. When we met, he was compliant with meds and therapy. I work in healthcare and thought I was educated enough to know what I was getting into. Fast forward to last fall: all hell broke loose as he stopped meds and became symptomatic. I hung around for about a month, trying desperately to understand and failing miserably. I ultimately had enough and told him to kick rocks and take his crappy, irrational behavior with him. I broke up with him in anger and regretted it immediately but also hoped a little space might be good for both of us to clear our heads.
Thats about the time two things happened for me: I found a therapist for myself who also has experience with vets, TBI/PTSD, their partners and the challenges both parties face. I also found this site. I've read everything anyone recommends, watched TED talks and documentaries, continue to visit this forum daily, all while continuing to work on my own mental health.
I'd check in on my vet weekly via short texts, nothing heavy... it seemed like any more than that might be too much. I love this man enough to try to give the space he seems to need even though honestly, I've been scared sh*tless for his safety... seems like a lot of you know how I might've been feeling. He was always responsive when I'd check in, albeit typically short and occasionally not really even making sense. But he was there, alive. It seemed like a good sign. (What strange things we become grateful for in these situations.) He told me he got back on meds, also a good sign. I ended up sending a pretty brief email, apologizing for my reactions to how things fell apart and tried to make it clear how much I continued to care about him (I did not use the "L" word, however... I'm pretty prideful.) I never told him about what I've been doing to educate myself; I worried he might interpret it poorly.
He left town mid-December a little unexpectedly but did tell me where he was going (he was always going to be traveling for the month of January; it seems he just left earlier than planned.) Around the holidays, there was an uptick in our communications and occasionally, he would even initiate (another small thing that seems so odd to be grateful for). Hard not to feel hopeful. I tried to stay cool and mirror my conversations and efforts off of his so as not to overwhelm him. You send a text, I send a text. You send a photo, I send one back. Little things.
But then it all just stopped for two weeks. I'm learning not to take things personally but damn, it gets hard; I know he has at least one big anniversary around this time of year and its now just to the one year mark of his retirement after 20 years in the military. I'm sure its a lot to process. And we are still broken up, after all. He doesn't owe me a thing.
Three weeks ago, he sent me a photo of himself (looking very handsome) and a little text to the effect of "I'm sure I'm the last mother-effer you want to hear from but I hope your life is better than bad." This was at two am. Maybe he couldn't sleep, maybe he was drunk, who knows. I answered right away, letting him know in black and white that I ALWAYS want to hear from him. Later in the morning, I complimented him on his photo, no response. I was honestly kinda baffled that he would think I didn't want to hear from him anymore after feeling like we were making progress for a time.
Later in the night, I decided to lay my cards out and let him know that not only do I still want to hear from him, but I still love him very much as well. RADIO SILENCE.
At first, it didn't hurt. I knew that was a risky thing to send. I didn't tell him because I needed to hear it back. I told him because it's true and he should know that he is still loved, IMO. He's a good man, no matter the sh*t that he's wading through right now. It was wrong of me to withhold that kind of thing just because I've been angry or hurt. Like I said, I'm still working on myself too, here.
But now it does hurt... a little more with every day that goes by. He's still out of state (to my knowledge). He's gone on a type of outing that kinda allows him to escape reality (probably including me) and could be gone indefinitely. It's discouraging and though I DO still love him, I'm feeling pretty stupid for still hanging on.
I guess its cathartic to get this all out in black and white. I don't know what I'm hoping to hear... other than any words of advice for a weary soul. I feel like I've screwed up so much. I feel like this mess was always coming for him anyways. I feel angry, hurt, sad, confused, exhausted and pathetic. I feel like it should be easier to move forward or move on. The holding pattern is exasperating.
Does anyone have similar experiences? When is enough enough?
I guess tonight, I'm ready for a little feedback. Long story short: I'd been dating a vet with PTSD and TBI for about six months. When we met, he was compliant with meds and therapy. I work in healthcare and thought I was educated enough to know what I was getting into. Fast forward to last fall: all hell broke loose as he stopped meds and became symptomatic. I hung around for about a month, trying desperately to understand and failing miserably. I ultimately had enough and told him to kick rocks and take his crappy, irrational behavior with him. I broke up with him in anger and regretted it immediately but also hoped a little space might be good for both of us to clear our heads.
Thats about the time two things happened for me: I found a therapist for myself who also has experience with vets, TBI/PTSD, their partners and the challenges both parties face. I also found this site. I've read everything anyone recommends, watched TED talks and documentaries, continue to visit this forum daily, all while continuing to work on my own mental health.
I'd check in on my vet weekly via short texts, nothing heavy... it seemed like any more than that might be too much. I love this man enough to try to give the space he seems to need even though honestly, I've been scared sh*tless for his safety... seems like a lot of you know how I might've been feeling. He was always responsive when I'd check in, albeit typically short and occasionally not really even making sense. But he was there, alive. It seemed like a good sign. (What strange things we become grateful for in these situations.) He told me he got back on meds, also a good sign. I ended up sending a pretty brief email, apologizing for my reactions to how things fell apart and tried to make it clear how much I continued to care about him (I did not use the "L" word, however... I'm pretty prideful.) I never told him about what I've been doing to educate myself; I worried he might interpret it poorly.
He left town mid-December a little unexpectedly but did tell me where he was going (he was always going to be traveling for the month of January; it seems he just left earlier than planned.) Around the holidays, there was an uptick in our communications and occasionally, he would even initiate (another small thing that seems so odd to be grateful for). Hard not to feel hopeful. I tried to stay cool and mirror my conversations and efforts off of his so as not to overwhelm him. You send a text, I send a text. You send a photo, I send one back. Little things.
But then it all just stopped for two weeks. I'm learning not to take things personally but damn, it gets hard; I know he has at least one big anniversary around this time of year and its now just to the one year mark of his retirement after 20 years in the military. I'm sure its a lot to process. And we are still broken up, after all. He doesn't owe me a thing.
Three weeks ago, he sent me a photo of himself (looking very handsome) and a little text to the effect of "I'm sure I'm the last mother-effer you want to hear from but I hope your life is better than bad." This was at two am. Maybe he couldn't sleep, maybe he was drunk, who knows. I answered right away, letting him know in black and white that I ALWAYS want to hear from him. Later in the morning, I complimented him on his photo, no response. I was honestly kinda baffled that he would think I didn't want to hear from him anymore after feeling like we were making progress for a time.
Later in the night, I decided to lay my cards out and let him know that not only do I still want to hear from him, but I still love him very much as well. RADIO SILENCE.
At first, it didn't hurt. I knew that was a risky thing to send. I didn't tell him because I needed to hear it back. I told him because it's true and he should know that he is still loved, IMO. He's a good man, no matter the sh*t that he's wading through right now. It was wrong of me to withhold that kind of thing just because I've been angry or hurt. Like I said, I'm still working on myself too, here.
But now it does hurt... a little more with every day that goes by. He's still out of state (to my knowledge). He's gone on a type of outing that kinda allows him to escape reality (probably including me) and could be gone indefinitely. It's discouraging and though I DO still love him, I'm feeling pretty stupid for still hanging on.
I guess its cathartic to get this all out in black and white. I don't know what I'm hoping to hear... other than any words of advice for a weary soul. I feel like I've screwed up so much. I feel like this mess was always coming for him anyways. I feel angry, hurt, sad, confused, exhausted and pathetic. I feel like it should be easier to move forward or move on. The holding pattern is exasperating.
Does anyone have similar experiences? When is enough enough?
