Sufferer A Lucky Unlucky Person

[quirkyquark]

That's what I use to describe myself in the uncomfortable situation where someone finds out about my life story and they need a little positivity to add onto it. In a way it is true- things could always have been a lot worse. My cancer may not have been found early, my back problem could have paralyzed me permanently instead of temporarily, my first relationship could have been physically instead of just sexually and emotionally abusive. The only thing I wish I was more lucky about was my depression- I was born with that. Literally my first memories were gloomy and empty and sad, heck I was suicidal in Kindergarten and I didn't know how bad it was, my parent's didn't realize depression in toddlers existed, so I carried it with me until late elementary school when I filled out a survey and checked some answers and was told that maybe I should get help. But I was too proud to get help and was in denial about it so I didn't get actual treatment until the beginning of my junior year of high school. That was after I had cancer and the back paralysis thing and during the relationship with my abusive partner. Now, I am a second year in college. I am taking Fall quarter off and it seems like I will be taking off Winter quarter too. My disconnection/dissociation from my environment and emotions is so bad that I can't drive a car, I can barely hold a conversation, and it's near impossible for me to feel love for family and friends and also to feel happiness. I have had PTSD for 5 years but my dissociation didn't get bad until this summer, when doctors found a tumor in my hip that took 4 months to get surgery on, and ended up being benign.
I've worked really hard on making myself better. I practice mindfulness, eat super healthy, I take a yoga class, I go to the gym several times a week, I see a therapist, experiment with medications, but I feel pretty much the same. I haven't self harmed in about a month but pretty much only out of respect for my housemates. I am more connected to my body from the exercise and mindfulness, but how I feel around people and my environment has hardly changed. I recently started taking 50mg of Nalaxone- an opiate inhibitor that has been shown to lessen dissociative symptoms in about 30% of patients. I haven't felt too much of a difference, and if this doesn't work I will try the intramuscular injections of Naltrexone which has had a 70% success rate. After that I have pretty much exhausted all of my options. I'm 19 years old and I have never been mentally healthy. I've never known what it's like to be a happy person. I want the chance to be myself and experience my full potential but I am so afraid that I will never get that. Do any of you have tricks that worked over mending your disconnection? It seems like I can love my pets but not people and that makes no sense to me at all. I feel more attached to my fish than my parents. Ideas? Advice?

 

[intothelight]

@quirkyquark Welcome to the forum!

The problem with PTSD is that when there is added stress or trauma, then the symptoms just flair up and can flair up with a vengeance. Disassociation and numbness are protective mechanisms and when life, emotions, thoughts, etc. get too overwhelming it can kick in so that a person does not drown in thoughts and feelings.

Cancer can cause PTSD alone, but when you already have PTSD, battle cancer and then have a recurrence scare it isn't surprising the symptoms came back with a vengeance. Have you tried Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to help with the emotional disconnect and disassociation? Social support is also critical but hard to engage in when you are feeling emotionally disconnected. It will get better with time and practice.

Do you have a trauma therapist? Also, medication can contribute to the numbness and you may want to have your psychiatrist review some of the meds and their levels.

Keep doing what you are doing and check out this site for information that will help you to manage the symptoms. It is hard to keep the fear of "what if it comes back" in check and that can really mess with a person with PTSD and especially on the tail of a re-occurrence scare. Your reaction isn't abnormal and even cancer patients/survivors without PTSD find this a struggle. PTSD ramps it up to a higher level.

From a personal standpoint, I recently read a book that I found really helpful "Radical Remission". You may find it helpful, and one of the things I really liked about it were the realistic action steps that could be implemented based upon your own personal circumstances.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Welcome to the forum, this is a great place to get support from others without worrying about being told it could be worse. It sounds to me that you have been through hell and I am truly sorry for all that you have been through.

I can understand what it's like to have never felt happiness, in fact I think the other day was the first day I felt it, so I now know that it is possible.

I also understand the love for animals, even though you don't feel the same thing for people. Hey, my daughter has a fish and they are easy to love. Low maintenance, he listens without judging, never has anything bad to say. I sometimes make comments about how Trevor (the fish) is my favorite person in the household. :D

I don't have any wonderful ways to make things better, other than keep trying, never give up. That's what it took for me.

I hope you find healing and comfort here and again, welcome.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your mind might be saying "its not safe, so we're not coming out!" Dissociation is a tool that our minds use when the external environment isn't safe, and I can see why your mind would stay in such a state given all that you've been through. Are you in trauma therapy? One thing that helped me was IFST (inter family systems therapy). It helped me to get in touch with all of my parts (not DID parts that only DID people have but parts in the sense that we all have different parts of ourselves), and make sure that they were acknowledged, doing whatever I could to make them feel OK. It was a really helpful type of therapy for me. Once my parts were happy, I was able to manage my symptoms a lot easier.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @quirkyquark and welcome to the forum. Interesting that you describe depression as a toddler. Have you read up on attachment theory? It could possibly explain why you do not feel a connection to your parents.