Always have Hope!
New Here
Today, was the hardest day I ever truly had.
I'll first describe a little of how this day came to be, by each of our past. I am a 47 year old single father of 3 great children. My oldest son is turning 20 in may, and was by my first girlfriend. We both were young, and lived a rather destructive lifestyle of drugs and alcohol. I change my life, quit that lifestyle and gotten custody of him. My 9 and 8 year olds is from a former relations, which she left me for a another man, I gain custody of them as well. I have live with the ups and downs of my own past tragedies of PTSD, many years of professional therapy and counciling and medication. I've fought the PTSD, the horrors of its symtoms, the panic, the fears, the isolationism and agoraphobia. For the last ten years I have been able to daily subsist by medications and the therapeutic works. One of the hardest battles that I face as a factor lying in one of my PTSD tragedies is social isolation, fear of abandonment, being unloved and wanted. It is best for me to share in another post what happen to cause my childhood PTSD.
During those past years I work on my social isolation, phobias, and stay focus, I gathered friendships with women, but maintain a distance, a blockage for I didn't want hurt. A year ago in my apartment complex a lady and her 2 sons moved in, in a short time that we meet, she came to my apartment to check on her son which was becoming friends with my oldest son. We hit it off, talked, we gradually started spending more time together. I found her as a breath of fresh air, she was so sweet, intelligent, beautiful. In that time, she disclose that she was a military veteran, as I was as well, that she have had a cyst removed from her brain, she also suffered a past PTSD. still yet we had became great friends, we had alot of fun, and bonding. She at times suffered bad panic/ muscular seizure like episodes. But she is a strong woman, and fights back, she does attend professional therapy. During the first year we developed a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Like all relationships ,they have ups and downs, but we work on them. I knew in my heart, that she was my soulmate, the love ive never had. I knew she loved me. Even our families knew we had a relations. I had attend her family holiday events. My children love her deeply and she loved mine.I loved her sons like they were mine. In time you learn a great deal on triggers, and learn how one deals with their symptoms during recovery. During the time she lived in our complex, her sons wanted to live in the town they left and go to the school they liked. I didn't want her to move, but I knew it be better for them, the boys be happier and she be closer to her family. After the move, she did spend a weekend with me, all was great and loving.
Then a few days apart, I called her, she told me after a few days there, she decided she wanted to be alone, no relationship, and no contact, even friendship. Of couse I ask why. She stated she wanted to heal, to beable to be self sufficient, to be only with the boys. I knew her past, and alot about PTSD, but it was a major shock to me, even I knew that she has isolation periods, I was stuck myself with my own in pending fears, many of my past symptomatic nightmares started overcoming me. I didn't respond like I shouldve. I knew most of her statements were true to her, but even she wouldn't say it, that she love me. For days I tried to reason with, even asking for just friendship, to be a supporter. She is so head strong, I am lost, scared of losing her. I know she has to get better herself, I can't heal her. But in my heart I know I am the man she needs, I know what kind of life is ahead of us. Im helpless, she is away, and if she falls, I can't be there to left her up, is that my job, no. Is it my fault, no. I can't make someone do, or be with me, if they decide not too. But I know her mind is elsewhere and just not knowing what each day will unfold, is destroying me, I feel like I let her down and myself, that after finually finding that love, that not only my PTSD is a curse, but hers is as well. Im trying to be strong, but I have only showed weakness due to my own demons. My own horrors could push her away for good. Its hard to feel hope, when inside your own self your fears are resurfacing and smothering you. My undying love, my pleading, my hopes and dreams are silent screams on deaf ears. I am ashamed that the years of my own struggles and the success of my own recovery collapsed. That when I should showed strength, I showed weaknesses in her moment of despair.
Even after many years learning how to live with PTSD, and learn how to encase it, it sometimes slithers its way back. We have so many similarities in many ares. She is so great, I know in my heart she is the one, my soulmate. I know love has no voice at times when it comes to PTSD.
I can just only pray that God can shed his love, his light into everyone who walks in this dark world, to give us daily guidance, to conquer our fears, that one does not have to be alone in their journey, to be isolated. Ive read alot of topics and responses on this site, many inspiring words of wisdom, I know I need not to only read it, but to eat the words to grow.
I know I have to work not only for myself and she to work on herself. I might have this burden placed in my life, but I don't want this life I have to be wasted over something I didn't have control of. I have witness, went thru, and endured it so many years, because in GOD im not alone and I want to have that hope, and every day I use love to be that rock to grow on.
I believe love is a force, formed by light Without love for yourself and others, PTSD and its dark symptoms wouldn't exist, we must learn how to manage the grey areas to have vitality in our life.
I must put space between us, but she is in my heart, she will always be apart of me, for me, the smiles, the laugher, the gentle kiss, the holding of hands, that glazing in her eyes, were a gift, she was my bestfriend, lover, companion, she was my everything, I was so bless to meet her and love her, if anything I'll leave this world knowing in a moment in time, I had that....
I'll first describe a little of how this day came to be, by each of our past. I am a 47 year old single father of 3 great children. My oldest son is turning 20 in may, and was by my first girlfriend. We both were young, and lived a rather destructive lifestyle of drugs and alcohol. I change my life, quit that lifestyle and gotten custody of him. My 9 and 8 year olds is from a former relations, which she left me for a another man, I gain custody of them as well. I have live with the ups and downs of my own past tragedies of PTSD, many years of professional therapy and counciling and medication. I've fought the PTSD, the horrors of its symtoms, the panic, the fears, the isolationism and agoraphobia. For the last ten years I have been able to daily subsist by medications and the therapeutic works. One of the hardest battles that I face as a factor lying in one of my PTSD tragedies is social isolation, fear of abandonment, being unloved and wanted. It is best for me to share in another post what happen to cause my childhood PTSD.
During those past years I work on my social isolation, phobias, and stay focus, I gathered friendships with women, but maintain a distance, a blockage for I didn't want hurt. A year ago in my apartment complex a lady and her 2 sons moved in, in a short time that we meet, she came to my apartment to check on her son which was becoming friends with my oldest son. We hit it off, talked, we gradually started spending more time together. I found her as a breath of fresh air, she was so sweet, intelligent, beautiful. In that time, she disclose that she was a military veteran, as I was as well, that she have had a cyst removed from her brain, she also suffered a past PTSD. still yet we had became great friends, we had alot of fun, and bonding. She at times suffered bad panic/ muscular seizure like episodes. But she is a strong woman, and fights back, she does attend professional therapy. During the first year we developed a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Like all relationships ,they have ups and downs, but we work on them. I knew in my heart, that she was my soulmate, the love ive never had. I knew she loved me. Even our families knew we had a relations. I had attend her family holiday events. My children love her deeply and she loved mine.I loved her sons like they were mine. In time you learn a great deal on triggers, and learn how one deals with their symptoms during recovery. During the time she lived in our complex, her sons wanted to live in the town they left and go to the school they liked. I didn't want her to move, but I knew it be better for them, the boys be happier and she be closer to her family. After the move, she did spend a weekend with me, all was great and loving.
Then a few days apart, I called her, she told me after a few days there, she decided she wanted to be alone, no relationship, and no contact, even friendship. Of couse I ask why. She stated she wanted to heal, to beable to be self sufficient, to be only with the boys. I knew her past, and alot about PTSD, but it was a major shock to me, even I knew that she has isolation periods, I was stuck myself with my own in pending fears, many of my past symptomatic nightmares started overcoming me. I didn't respond like I shouldve. I knew most of her statements were true to her, but even she wouldn't say it, that she love me. For days I tried to reason with, even asking for just friendship, to be a supporter. She is so head strong, I am lost, scared of losing her. I know she has to get better herself, I can't heal her. But in my heart I know I am the man she needs, I know what kind of life is ahead of us. Im helpless, she is away, and if she falls, I can't be there to left her up, is that my job, no. Is it my fault, no. I can't make someone do, or be with me, if they decide not too. But I know her mind is elsewhere and just not knowing what each day will unfold, is destroying me, I feel like I let her down and myself, that after finually finding that love, that not only my PTSD is a curse, but hers is as well. Im trying to be strong, but I have only showed weakness due to my own demons. My own horrors could push her away for good. Its hard to feel hope, when inside your own self your fears are resurfacing and smothering you. My undying love, my pleading, my hopes and dreams are silent screams on deaf ears. I am ashamed that the years of my own struggles and the success of my own recovery collapsed. That when I should showed strength, I showed weaknesses in her moment of despair.
Even after many years learning how to live with PTSD, and learn how to encase it, it sometimes slithers its way back. We have so many similarities in many ares. She is so great, I know in my heart she is the one, my soulmate. I know love has no voice at times when it comes to PTSD.
I can just only pray that God can shed his love, his light into everyone who walks in this dark world, to give us daily guidance, to conquer our fears, that one does not have to be alone in their journey, to be isolated. Ive read alot of topics and responses on this site, many inspiring words of wisdom, I know I need not to only read it, but to eat the words to grow.
I know I have to work not only for myself and she to work on herself. I might have this burden placed in my life, but I don't want this life I have to be wasted over something I didn't have control of. I have witness, went thru, and endured it so many years, because in GOD im not alone and I want to have that hope, and every day I use love to be that rock to grow on.
I believe love is a force, formed by light Without love for yourself and others, PTSD and its dark symptoms wouldn't exist, we must learn how to manage the grey areas to have vitality in our life.
I must put space between us, but she is in my heart, she will always be apart of me, for me, the smiles, the laugher, the gentle kiss, the holding of hands, that glazing in her eyes, were a gift, she was my bestfriend, lover, companion, she was my everything, I was so bless to meet her and love her, if anything I'll leave this world knowing in a moment in time, I had that....
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