Relationship A Month Into The Affair...

[Deleted member 12723]

wow! Becca you got some amazing supportive answers. I tend to agree with them. Your husband has all of the control and power over 2 women.

He tells you that he is lying to her. So it sounds like he may be lying to you as well.

I'm guessing that you are not ready to call it quits yet. You are still young, young enough to heal from this broken hearted situation.

No one can tell you what you have to choose.Knowing what I know now, I would've been alot stronger and put up better boundries between my own husband and me. When we would get in arguements I was too weak to stand up to him, untill I finally realized he would pitch a fit and I would stand my ground and get my needs met for a change...

Is he meeting any of your needs right now?

This man is dishonest with you. He has betrayed your trust. The army did'nt have an affair your husband did.

He will keep this up as long as you give it your blessing. I wish you the very best. But this one makes me mad. He has ptsd. and he is using it as an excuse. Someone has to be the grown up here and it looks like it will be you...sooner or later.

My heart goes out to you. Please do not give in or give up. Hang in there and keep on making your own life better. this is a real tough one to face and deal with.

 

[ronnalee]

As I have learned here, PTSD is no excuse for behaving badly.

 

[Becca84]

I forgot I had joined this support group so long ago. I will make a new post, but wanted to thank everyone for the support they gave me during a very difficult time in my marriage and life. To make a long story short, I didn't have the strength to walk away from my marriage, I just couldn't. It only made things worse, in my opinion anyway. Like so many people told me, I allowed it to happen, not that I forced him to do it, but I didn't stop him either or force him to face the consequences.

In hind sight, I can honestly say, I wish I had searched deep within myself to find the strength to walk away the moment he found someone else. It would have forced him to work on us, or to leave us completely. Now two years later, a lot has changed. He has his affair for over a year and then we decided that time apart was the best for us. We spent most of 2013 apart, but decided to work on things in the marriage in late summer. Since then, we have had some amazing moments together but things are still very hard. My husband is "trying" but is still very hot and cold, which is very hard for me. I feel if he is still on the fence about the marriage and me for so long, over two years now, then he would be happier on his own.

He just recently returned from a warrior camp that did EDMR therapy and Equine therapy and things were better, and optimistic, for about a week. Now he is back to reality and back home, with no job and no motivation. One day things are fine, the next he is distant and cold. We are still very close and best friends, and only want the best for each other. We both made some decisions we are not proud of, but we are ready to move forward towards a bright future. I will definitely be around more!

 

[Eleanor]

Becca, A question for you:

Given that change is hard: Why should he change?

Is he the best you can hope for?

 

[Badger]

If you walk away, you are giving him the opportunity to see what life is like without you. If you are always there for him, he will never know. I was always told "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Something to bear in mind.

 

[Becca84]

Thanks guys for the replies. He is the best I can hope for him to be, of course. I know he loves me, he is just having a hard time finding long term loving feelings for me. He will be loving for a few days, and then cold. He was this way last night, but then when he woke up told me he doesn't feel good about how he feels about us, and he cried, telling me he didn't know what was wrong with him. I keep suggesting we take some time apart, and we are talking about it more and more. I do believe he will not know his true feelings for me until he is on his own.

I do care for him and of course I love him, but I don't want to waste his time if he is unhappy. I don't want him to change really, I just feel like sometimes he would be happier with someone else, perhaps he wouldn't be so undecided about his feelings. He always tells me he will never love me like I deserve, because he feels incapable of that. He thinks he doesn't deserve me and that he will only hurt me. I let him know that we both made mistakes that we are not proud of, and we are both ready to move forward towards a future we both love. He is trying, he keeps telling me that, and sometimes we have a very deep connection and other times we don't. It is the back and forth that I get confused about, I guess is the best way to describe it. The I want the marriage today, and then the doubt the next day. I don't know if that is normal with his combat injuries, or if that is not. Thanks for the kind words.

 

[akenawolf]

This is not because he has PTSD. The PTSD certainly is clouding his judgement but this affair is not simply because he has PTSD. get a lawyer. Make it especially clear that he is having an affair. Do not allow him to make you the victim of his disease. If he can make a relationship work he is not that clouded, he knows what he is doing and he did it. Unless you're OK with any of this. Take care of your well being, you need someone to appreciate and honour you. He needs to make a decision immediately on if he is staying or going. If you allow him to remain with in your life you are opening yourself up to litigation example if you want a divorce later after being OK with this behaviour you have no ground. You are also enabling him and you're going to go crazy. No matter how ill someone is this is wholly unacceptable behaviour.

 

[Becca84]

Thanks Akena for the response. He is no longer having an affair, this was over a year and a half ago and I never thought his PTSD was to blame for the affair. I just came to this site two years ago for support and stopped in for an update. I appreciate your post though. I'm taking care of me and doing things that make me happy, actually on my way to my first kickboxing class tonight. He is finally talking openly to counselors, we both are, and he seems to finally be making progress with things. Of course our marriage is by no means perfect but we are trying for now to work things out and see how they go. We were separated for almost a year as well.

 

[akenawolf]

Yw :p I really need to check dates. Im so happy to hear that you guys are doing great. I've gone through something similar so im extremely passionate about the subject and I jumped the gun :).

 

[Becca84]

Aww it's fine friend! I welcome your comments, I'm very alone in this so it's nice to have support. And if it were the beginning of the affair, lol, I would have definitely taken your advice. I've learned a lot about myself in two years, still learning and there are times I wish I would have left day one, but for some reason I wasn't strong enough. I've found my strength now and I know what I deserve and what I can accept. I appreciate you taking the time to read my posts :)

 

[akenawolf]

Same to you dear. I dont reach out often and last night I decided it was a good idea. After making the decision to stay with the man mentioned earlier 5 years ago. We now have a wonderful life and family. You were and are strong. It takes strength to stick something out, especially knowing its going to hurt.