A Never Ending Story

[Hashi]

Bimble, this sounds like a terrible situation. I'm so sorry.

What help are you getting from the union?

There are all sorts of equality/diversity (PTSD is a disability), health and safety, occupational health and data protection issues that you're talking about. I imagine the NHS and your Trust must have a raft of policies that are being contravened here, let alone legislation. Isn't your union advocating for you regarding these? Aren't they supporting you?

 

[Bimble]

Hi Hashi. My union are helping me with fighting for my job but I feel on my own in many ways. It seems only I really know how I'm feeling, even he sometimes doesn't really understand. I get very upset, angry and generally emotional in meetings I have with my managers. Whilst I am still trying to resolve mg issues with the site itself I am now also fighting with these other feelings which I'm finding so hard.

I feel like just giving up and walking away from it all, but I have a family to look after. How can I just leave my job when my little boys depend on me for so much.

This weekend has been hell on earth. Two days back on the site again and I'm breaking out, despite being on diazepam. It's like it bottles it up all day, then unleashed all of it in one go. My whole weekend has been like it.

Because of my previous experienced of blocking out before on site, I start to feel like its going to happen all over again.

 

[Phenioxrising]

I had experience with a Dr. from the ER I went to for my somatic pain. He let three other nurses look into my chart and read about my abuse. I called Admin. and let all my rage out from the abuse. It's hard to acept the truth at first.

For me IMHO, don't put to much thought into what others think, their will always be people like that who think their superior. Show them your the better person, by not letting it bother you. Vent your frustration with working out (works best for me).

Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. Just keep to the road your on.

 

[Bimble]

Very frustrating situation I now find myself in - I was returning to work under a phased approach. All was going quite well - I was having to use Diazepam but found that the mornings were OK - in the afternoon I headed off site, back to my other place of work and the anxiety levels dropped right away. I still had some 'residual anxiety' which followed on into the evening, but it was manageable.

However, when it came to the full days, this is when it got tough. It was hard to balance the amount of Diazepam with the feelings I was experiencing and felt 'mildly drunk' as the day progressed and I had more Diazepam. The first full day was hard going as it was my first full day back on this site - dealing not only with the stairs, the site, but also with my issues surrounding confidentiality was hard, really hard.

The Diazepam just bottled things up and, before I knew it, I was having to take more whilst on site to get me through the day. This accelerated as the day progressed until I went home. I drove home (feeling weird!) and had a bad evening, followed by night and then into the weekend.

However, by Monday, I felt OK - I wasn't due on to the site until Thursday and Friday so spent the beginning of the week just visiting in mornings and afternoons up until the full days - was able to do this OK and without Diazepam. Come Thursday, managed to be Diazepam free for the first couple of hours - then had a meeting with my two managers and feelings were then brought to the surface - quite a lot of anxiety followed and I ended up taking another - then another Diazepam later on in the day until I felt I had taken quite enough.

I drive home, again feeling weird! On the Friday, again managed for the morning without Diazepam until around 11.30am then took 2.5mg. Had a problem with one of the staircases having standing water on the treads after a 'deep clean' - mentioned it to my Manager who just told me to contact the estates department to sort it out. I was under the distinct impression I could go to him, talk things through if I had concerns, not just be referred to Estates to sort it out!!! Not what I expected.

Anyway, ended up taking another 5mg Diazepam as I was very worked up and anxious. Took a stroll to the building where I had my accident, went up the stairs and noticed a number of treads were 'raised' - they looked bowed in the middle as I could squash the tread down with my foot when I trod on it...I am so wary about stairs now that this pretty much freaked me out - I didn't bother going to my Manager after his previous response, so reported it myself - they came out and drilled it down.

But it felt like the last time this happened and I tripped over an upturned tread on this very staircase. I felt my anxiety levels rising so much and was worried I had taken too much Diazepam and anymore would take me over the allowed weekly limit.

So, I took control of the situation and told my Manager I needed to head off site and back to my other base - they said OK but that they would need to refer to me to Occupational Health - I was so 'Diazepamed' up I didn't really take any notice, went back to my other base and immediately things started to ease for me.

I then proposed a change to my phased return to accommodate smaller 'bite size' visits to site to help me manage being there without the Diazepam and then to increase these bite size visits as time progresses into more lengthy days, but with an option to return to my other base if things get too much again.

It felt like things were beginning to work for me, in terms of knowing what I can and can't do at this point in time - I can handle smaller, more frequent visits, but it's the all day visits which I am still not able to deal effectively with and if things go wrong for me, I have had bad experiences of what happens when things overwhelm me, which exacerbates the problems. I think what also doesn't help is that I needed to accomplish this phased return in a set period of time - feeling under this pressure to return to work, when I've had so many problems before simply added to the pressure and made me even more anxious.

I have addressed all of this with my employer but, 3 weeks since my last visit I have been banned from going back to the site, although I still go outside of work hours. I have not had any contact with the 'office environment' for 3 weeks (nearly 4) and I have now been told they are moving to a stage 2 disciplinary meeting where I could effectively lose my job!!! I haven't even had a chance to discuss, through a review meeting, the issues I faced and what's going on...

I feel very frustrated and just like I'm going round in circles. I have made a concerted decision to resolve my issues with this site - even if I lose my job, I will continue to go back there until I have conquered it. I don't care what anyone says - this has been the hardest personal battle in my life and to give up now (for me) is not an option. I have had such positive comments from other people I know who have told me what a great person and worker I am that I feel I can achieve this, even just for myself, but I can do it and will do it in time.

I just feel so let down and like I'm in such a rigid process which simply does not allow me to have problems along the way, despite knowing what I need to do to resolve these problems!

I know that being on that site is hard, but I also know the massive benefits of being able to work on another site when things get too much but that is not an option for me by my employer. To be able to come back to this other site, has massive benefits as the anxiety slowly bubbles away and I practice mindfulness to ensure I can re-focus on my work and move on. This is something which I've proven to work, since my phased return began - my problems only started when I tried the full days and then when I had the issues with the rising treads...are they interested to know this? Apparently now.

On top of this, I have a massive issue with my personal medical notes - detailing personal and private conversation with my Psychiatrist, having been pulled off the system and used in a report which, by the way, is totally wrong and doesn't meet the criteria anyway! My notes have been included in a report which requested all service users who are taking Quetiapine (YES) and are either Schizophrenic (NO!) or Bi-Polar (NO!) - why the hell are my records on this spreadsheet then???

I have had other issues in the past which I am having to deal with and it's become a real melting pot of issues - I am dealing with them though but have to do this one at a time - I am struggling to cope trying to do it altogether.

I cannot believe it took someone outside of my own managers to give me the lift and motivation I needed and self belief to fight this and overcome my PTSD - I have had so many problems convincing myself I'm worth it, or even able, and all it took is one person to help pick me up off the floor and see what I have achieved, what I can achieve in the future and my self worth. This means everything to me - it's given me my fight back, which has been chipped away at continuously for the past year and a half.

I will succeed, I know I can - I have proven I can - I guess some people just don't want me to, or will find any excuse to get rid of.

 

[GreenFrog2]

(((Bimble))))) My Trauma was work related and I can understand so much of what you have said in this post. I really can't say much else for now, but know that there are others out there in similar situations who share our journey, and truly wish you well.

 

[Bimble]

It's such a slow and long process - sometimes I am so determined to try and overcome my PTSD and anxieties I do all I can, perhaps too much and then end up failing. I tried taking Diazepam a few months ago, in a desperate attempt to save my job - to get back to the place of work where I had my accident and where my anxieties lie. I thought it could work - the Diazepam, whilst indeed numbing' some of my thoughts and feelings, made me feel slightly drunk, light headed and unable to concentrate. This seemed to just add to my anxieties as I was given just 6 weeks to make a full return to this place of work, from where I had been working without symptoms.

Into the 4th week and my body just gave up. I encountered some triggers on the stairs where I had my accident and that was enough to send me back to my other place of work and then I was referred to Occupational Health and not returned since (under order of management) - I have now been put onto a stage 2 review and am likely to lose my job in 2 weeks time! I asked to change me phased return, to allow me to make 'smaller' attempts, more regularly, rather than trying to rush through whole days and to extend the time, as this in itself seemed to put me under pressure and added to my anxieties. This was refused.

However, I made a return yesterday for a 2 hour meeting, without the need for Diazepam. Whilst I felt anxiety, because I wasn't 'under the influence' of Diazepam, I felt able to control it better, using mindfulness techniques. It's not 100% but I am definately getting there. I think it's going to be too late though as my employer seems determined, at every point in this process, to dismiss me on the grounds of ill health - even though I've been at work, doing my job well, albeit at a different location. My job is 99% PC based and desk based and I can do everything I need to at this other location.

I have encountered so much in terms of other issues throughout the past year, I have become confused and unable to focus on one or the other and so they all merge into one and become a complete mess - which I cannot deal with. I have had issues over confidentiality, trust issues, taking out grievances - it's been a real battle. The PTSD has turned into something I cannot even identify to manage and cope with.

I am determined to fight on and will continue trying to get back to this site, long after I am gone, if that's what it takes to complete my recovery. I am so low at the moment I simply do not know how I am even functioning.