Childhood A Possibly Helpful Model Structural Dissociation And Childhood Trauma

[shimmerz]

ANP's generally get organized around the SEEKING system. Since the CARE system is generally not active in a lot of childhood trauma (it comes into its own later in development) SEEKING and CARE are two of the major modes of the ANP. So they do pretty well as parents and friends. The problems arise when there is some perceived threat to the relationship and the PANIC system gets activated and the expression of this system in adult social animals is often guilt and shame - highly conditioned emotions with a lot of cognitive content.

Je*us. This is so falling into place for me. Thank you.... *heavy sigh*

Seeking - information, care, love, kindness, compassion etc etc etc. How to stop seeking and just BE.

Sorry, just a rant.

 

[Eleanor]

No need for sorry @shimmerz . And re the other thread - when you process you REALLY process!

 

[shimmerz]

lol. So true @Eleanor. After the processing comes the :confused::confused::confused::confused: - days of recovery. :dead:

 

[Pencil]

Anything to add, @Eleanor ?

 

[void]

I hope that @Eleanor will continue this fabulous teaching.
Very thought provoking content.

 

[Eleanor]

Thank you, @void and @Pencil - I'll give it a go in a day or two. I'm kind of broken up right now. But I need to figure some stuff out and this might help....

 

[Ronin]

@Eleanor, sounded private/personal but I'll rather ask - are you managing and is there anything we might do for you?

 

[Eleanor]

Thanks,@Cashew . My H and I had a big HUGE blow up today. He said divorce (again) and I'm just too tired and discouraged to argue about it. I thought we were beyond all this. But apparently not. And it sort of blind sided me, and I'm really really stressed out for a few reasons and tired after a couple of weeks of travel, and those are just excuses for having well and thoroughly lost my temper and said some really mean and blaming things.I don't even remember what I said. But I'm sure I didn't mean them the way they came out (peppered as they were with obscenities screamed at the top of my lungs.) I'm totally ashamed of myself for losing it, for not having just walked away like I've worked so hard to be able to do. And I've probably put the last nail in my marriage, such as it was. I'm about at the end of my rope. He has said divorce every month or so for ... six years. He's gotten better in some ways but worse in others. And he said something... it just about killed the little hope I have. I'm still ... tied in enough I can't quite decide to file for divorce myself - but it is probably dumb not to. This is no way to live. I thought we were doing better, but apparently none of it counted for anything with him. Or it doesn't today. It might in a day or two again. Who knows. And maybe I don't/can't care anymore.

I just want a peaceful house and no drama. I don't want to have to defend myself. I don't want to be systematically misunderstood and accused of not feeling what I feel. I don't want to be unable to ask for things. I want to be able to say if I am unhappy, or something my partner did hurt my feelings. And I want to be treated with compassion, and respect, and like the honest and loving person I am, with needs and dreams. But I guess I'm not going to get that from my H. Because he cannot give that now. And he made pretty clear that "this is as good as I'm going to get."

So. A night in the guest room crying for me. Maybe a lot of nights like that.

And here is the kicker. He is miserable like this. Absolutely miserable. And it has nothing. Not one single thing to do with me.

 

[void]

@Eleanor

Yikes!
I'm sry to hear of your trouble:(

 

[Ronin]

@Eleanor, sounds you're keeping your head at the right place though. You're pondering the situation from so many angles, that's the opposite of trainwreck in my view.

You did walk away, differently, but you made the move. It's the move that counts.

Heyy, here's a blankie round your shoulders, or whichever conveys comfort & safety to you. Crying is letting everything wash off for a millisec, even if that millisec is a week long.

Stay strong.