A Question To Boss Of This Site And Other Wise Members Here...

[Deleted member 1860]

I guess this has all gone down through DMs? I haven't seen anything on the forum or in chat which points to this. I think its important to examine these words that you have been told by others. A lot of people are just trying to help, and it is SO easy to misinterpret their words on an INTERNATIONAL online forum, where there is a LOT lost in translation, not just from say German to English, for example, but from the many dialects of English as well (American, Australian, English, etc). Some people are culturally more bold and others a bit more reserved. I am NOT saying your boundaries have not been violated, as I don't know the situation. They may very well have been, I don't know. But, I think it worries me to see posts like this, even if the other person isn't pointed out, as the other person will indeed see it, and even if you don't confront them directly, they will see that you've blocked them and/or are ignoring them, and they will put 2 and 2 together.

 

[J_trustno1]

Feeling guilty for misjudging someone and their intentions. It was all misinterpretation. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't go near people in real life or on the forum since I tend to get offended. Don't know what to do. I did react again to a situation without actually looking deep into it and it is the vicious cycle I am getting into always. It'll take most of my life to learn these life skills.

Guilty :sorry: :(

 

[Go Hungry]

Don't beat yourself up about it. Everybody makes some mistakes from time to time...

 

[BloomInWinter]

Always trust your gut, especially online. We have no evidence of anyone's true intentions, because we cannot read their mind.

All we have is their words. If you are feeling disrespected, say so. A person with good intentions will respond in a manner indicating a desire to work it out.

If it continues, disengage from the person and cease responding. If it continues and you are being harassed, report it and block that person.

Bullies tend to operate in secret. The first negative private message I get is responded to with a warning. The second gets reported and the person blocked. Or, at least it used to before I became a staff member, as we don't block anyone. But you get the idea.

A good test of whether or not a conversation is appropriate is asking "would this person be saying this to me if a staff member was in on this conversation?" If not, you can choose to end the conversation at any time.

Beware manipulators who work behind the scenes to garner trust then begin the ever more intrusive crossing of boundaries.

If it turns out to have been a misinterpretation, a simple apology is all that is needed. But there is no need for feeling guilty for being cautious and self-protective, so long as we don't respond with provocative messages which keep the conflict going.

 

[TimeToHeal]

I agree with some of the others who have already replied here.

Whatever they are, they are YOUR boundaries - know clearly, beforehand, what exactly they are.

If someone - anyone, attempts to disrespect those boundaries, I would first politely tell them that Hey, I do not like our appreciate where this is going so let's change direction. If they persist and/or go further across your boundary line, then I think it would be time (and appropriate) to leave the conversation. As someone had already said, they cannot cross your boundaries and manipulate you (at least not via online conversations/friendships), unless you allow them to do so.

As far as your last post, regarding feeling guilty for a misunderstanding/misinterpretation, don't! That is one very big downfall with any online/text communication - or is near impossible to translate the emotion or tone with which anything is meant. So maybe just accept it, apologize IF you think it's necessary, and move on! :)

 

[BloomInWinter]

There's several threads on gaslighting and people who are harmful to others. You might check some of those out.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/gaslighting-protecting-yourself.19565/

 

[Meadowsweet]

that this person was making feel guilty about my own choices or whatever I have said.

Nobody makes others feel. To take back your own control, it helps to use 'I', so you might say "I feel guilt when this person says.......", and when you do that, then you can begin to address why you allow what the other says to get to you.

That isn't to say that the other person doesn't have any faults or issues of their own, or that you should put up with them. But those are for them to deal with.

If you find that you have a healthy boundary, then you block them and move on.

 

[J_trustno1]

I feel bad now expressing my feelings to this person and then I apologized to them being me. This shows how weak I am for standing up for myself. This person apologised for misinterpreting the situation but then I said sorry if I had hurt them. Seriously, I'm feeling bad for not standing up for myself but apologizing. I always feel guilty for expressing myself and this is not healthy.:(

 

[Meadowsweet]

If this is about another member on this site, I feel quite uncomfortable with the angle that you are discussing it from, because you are approaching it as the helpless victim, and making them out to be a perpetrator of some kind, and they would hear that.

If its not about another member here, I apologise for misunderstanding.

 

[anthony]

If you have an issue with a member, report it or address it directly with them. Admins can read PC's, staff can read nearly everything else, and everything has a report button on it, so report it. I am closing this thread because I agree with @Meadowsweet comments above.