Lady McCormick
Bronze Member
Hello everyone. I've found this forum beyond helpful. You have amazing info and great people here. I want to try actually posting it the forum, so sorry if I'm disorganized or don't write enough. Hopefully this is on-topic for this subforum, too.
Many months ago, I ended a long term relationship with elements of abuse.It was very rocky for the past year plus. I was symptomatic and having flashbacks and we didn't know what they were. We loved each other (and in a sense maybe we still do?) but that love is unusable because we have both annihilated the trust in the relationship. Can't rebuild trust that's been killed so hard.
Recently, I met someone and was just casually dating for a couple months. I didn't care much for him at first and was definitely keeping my boundaries up, but I eventually let many of them down. I don't think I need to go into details, but maybe he has some self-worth issues. My interpretation is that he might be scared to share truths for fear of making me mad. (That also is something I had a big problem with that I'm mostly recovered from, now.)
One day I was alone in my bathroom getting ready for the day and I found myself saying I loved him. Pssh, I could'nt have really meant it.
Anyway, this week we were having sex (for the second time) and we were telling each other how much we cared about each other. During foreplay and sex he was being very considerate of how I was feeling. That was kind of new to me. I'm used to being passive and taking whatever is given, even if I don't want it or it's painful.
So at a lull in our sex, he tells me he really, really likes me. I say it back, because I feel it's true. He says he has something to say but he doesn't wanna make me mad. "Illy," he says. It's ILY, an acronym for I Love You.
I sank a little bit because 1) I don't think the judgement that you love someone is most accurate during sex, and 2) After all the shit I've been though, I don't know how I can love, even if I did want to love.
I decided to reply "I love you, too." That went well and I felt good about it, even though it's very early in a 2-month relationship to say that. We have been reiterating that and expressing our love pretty much in an equal fashion.
My issue now is anxiety over his love being a lie. He couldn't possibly love me. I feel that because of my sexual issues, as well as physical and psychological, make me "damaged goods" that someone in their right mind would stay away from. Now, he hasn't contacted me in over 24 hours. His work schedule is weird but it's not hard to squeeze in a text or phone call. Did I scare him off? Is he a "player?"
I should know the answer to this already, but I ask: Why is my love so f*cked up?
I'm not really asking a specific question here. If others have found themselves in a similar situation, I wanna hear about it. :hug:s to all you kind people.
Many months ago, I ended a long term relationship with elements of abuse.It was very rocky for the past year plus. I was symptomatic and having flashbacks and we didn't know what they were. We loved each other (and in a sense maybe we still do?) but that love is unusable because we have both annihilated the trust in the relationship. Can't rebuild trust that's been killed so hard.
Recently, I met someone and was just casually dating for a couple months. I didn't care much for him at first and was definitely keeping my boundaries up, but I eventually let many of them down. I don't think I need to go into details, but maybe he has some self-worth issues. My interpretation is that he might be scared to share truths for fear of making me mad. (That also is something I had a big problem with that I'm mostly recovered from, now.)
One day I was alone in my bathroom getting ready for the day and I found myself saying I loved him. Pssh, I could'nt have really meant it.
Anyway, this week we were having sex (for the second time) and we were telling each other how much we cared about each other. During foreplay and sex he was being very considerate of how I was feeling. That was kind of new to me. I'm used to being passive and taking whatever is given, even if I don't want it or it's painful.
So at a lull in our sex, he tells me he really, really likes me. I say it back, because I feel it's true. He says he has something to say but he doesn't wanna make me mad. "Illy," he says. It's ILY, an acronym for I Love You.
I sank a little bit because 1) I don't think the judgement that you love someone is most accurate during sex, and 2) After all the shit I've been though, I don't know how I can love, even if I did want to love.
I decided to reply "I love you, too." That went well and I felt good about it, even though it's very early in a 2-month relationship to say that. We have been reiterating that and expressing our love pretty much in an equal fashion.
My issue now is anxiety over his love being a lie. He couldn't possibly love me. I feel that because of my sexual issues, as well as physical and psychological, make me "damaged goods" that someone in their right mind would stay away from. Now, he hasn't contacted me in over 24 hours. His work schedule is weird but it's not hard to squeeze in a text or phone call. Did I scare him off? Is he a "player?"
I should know the answer to this already, but I ask: Why is my love so f*cked up?
I'm not really asking a specific question here. If others have found themselves in a similar situation, I wanna hear about it. :hug:s to all you kind people.
