General A start

[FFF8E7]

Right, so I've just found this forum while searching around for anywhere or anyone to turn to or talk to because I'm feeling out of my depth.

My partner is a US citizen, and a year ago relocated back here from the UK (where I'm from, and where we met). It took that whole year to get my marital visa sorted, so I've only just arrived. We're keeping our heads above the water, but it seems like everything has turned upside down in our lives since 2016. PTSD has reared its ugly head, and now I'm here I'm doing everything I can to be supportive. My mother's depression and a past partner with BPD have given me a good education in how to support people with mental health concerns, so I guess I can be grateful for those experiences in a weird kind of way.

But, having just left all my friends and family (and my career) behind on the other side of the Atlantic, I'm not doing such a good job of taking care of myself or settling in to my new homeland and figured I could use people to talk to. And some people who have a bit more experience supporting a partner with PTSD, because there are some bits I'm having a tough time wrapping my head around.

And that's how I found myself here - so, hiya.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Welcome you have come to the right place and so nice to meet you.

 

[FFF8E7]

Thanks! Likewise

 

[Sweetpea76]

Welcome! Joining this forum saved my sanity and helped me so much in my role as a supporter.

 

[Never_falter2]

Welcome to the boards.

 

[Never_falter2]

Why do you think you are not doing a great job of settling and taking care of yourself?

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi and welcome. This is a great place to get some answers to your questions. There's tons of information in the supporters forums so read away.

I've found the PTSD stress cup and the videos at the top of the supporters section very helpful too.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[FFF8E7]

Thanks for the link leehalf, that's a really tidy visual explanation. I'll check out the videos too, as soon as I get the chance.

Never_falter - because I feel like I'm having to adjust to everything on my own, I guess? My other half seems to either break down or blow up every time I ask questions about how things are different here from back home, but then keeps telling me I'm going about stuff the wrong way, and I suppose I've been letting it get the better of me.

 

[FFF8E7]

That's why I figured it was time to try to reach out a bit and sort myself out; so that I can focus more on being supportive when I need to be, and be less of a burden.

 

[Never_falter2]

Hi @FFF8E7... is this cosmic latte by the way... I don‘t think it is a good sign he blows up or breaks down every time you ask him such a thing. Is he triggered by the question?
I understand it is not a small thing when you move from one culture to another. Something similar has happened to me when I married. My hubby and my father are from the same social group within european culture so to speak but my mother is not and my daddy is „unconventional“ so that I did not really learn the „secret rules“ as well as other people did. When I married hubby expected me to act like a perfect member of that social group though I never learned it and that was a bit stressful for me but I managed in the long run and think I am doing fine now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Never think of yourself as a burden @FFF8E7

If he's blowing up because you have questions then the issue is how HE is managing, not that you're asking questions. Asking questions when you move to a new country is not out of the scope of reason.

We as PTSD supporters all have to learn not to feel responsible for stressors or triggers. *Youre* not stressing him. *He* is getting stressed. Same with triggers. I know it doesn't seem like that if you're being told that you're the problem... but it's happening in his head, so ultimately it's his issue to own.

It is impossible to know what's going to stress or trigger him and to avoid it all. He probably doesn't even know it all. It's going to happen, and besides him managing it, you're going to have to manage your end too. Not by "fixing" it for him, but by not taking responsibility and guilt on and setting firm boundaries about the treatment you'll accept.

Whew, I get it though. Mine tends to lash out verbally when stressed.

 

[FFF8E7]

@Never_falter:

It is! Well spotted.

The trauma in question is childhood stuff, relating in part to an over-critical and ever-negative single parent. I believe my asking questions is constantly taken as my being negative and critical (despite my constant reassurances to the contrary), hence the reaction? It's difficult to say for certain as so much of the stuff surrounding the PTSD is a taboo topic. I wasn't aware of any of the history until recently, and I know very little of what goes on in the therapy sessions. I know the outline of what stuff I'm not meant to mention and what themes I shouldn't dwell on, but generally speaking I can only speculate seeing as we can't discuss this stuff without causing serious upset.

I didn't really expect the culture shock to be so pronounced - perhaps the common language gave me a false perception? Thankfully my actual greencard arrived a couple of weeks ago which makes it easier to pursue a bank account and driving licence without direct assistance from my other half, but I've still got to wrap my head around it... All the information on the DMV website is based on the assumption that everyone is either transferring an existing licence from another state, or an under 21 learning for the first time! Not so clear for someone in my position :S