Lost Again
Bronze Member
Hi, for anyone who has read my posts before, I am recently married to a sufferer. We have a 6 month old son together and I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Lately things have gotten worse than ever, he is no longer living here and while we used to talk everyday now we go days without communication (we are disengaging).
He is waiting for a date for a serious operation that could leave him paralysed. Any day they could call, and ever since he decided to have the operation (last Spring), his PTSD has gotten worse, and when the day came around that they could call him in (end of August), the PTSD has been out of control. It’s like he’s looking for something to blow up about. When we first met, one of the things I loved about him is how well he took care of my daughter, now he absolutely hates her and it’s terrible to watch. Her father abandoned her and now my husband has also abandoned her.
I think when he started hating her, is when things really started to break between us. Of course he would say it is my fault that she is spoiled brat, that I have not raised her well. He has yelled in the house that it is her fault her dad wants nothing to do with her, that she is a loser and stupid. He later contextualized it (“i didn’t call you a loser, i called your behaviour a loser”). The sad part for me is that she loves him so much. He used to think she was great, he says now that he knows her better, he just doesn’t like her and it’s my fault.
As things got worse i decided it was important to me that when he’s having an episode that he not be around us. In fact that was the recommendation of his therapist. Now he just says I kicked him out. When he is having an episode the littlest mundane things get him all upset and he starts swearing and getting nasty and honestly, it’s violent and it scares me. And I get afraid my daughter is going to witness it again or that his anger will be directed towards her. And i’m tired of experiencing that sick, queasy scared feeling in my stomach.
The things he gets mad at me about seem so unfair. No one is perfect. My intentions are good. He blows up one miscommunication into a disastrous outcome. To be honest, i think sometimes he lies about how dramatic the outcome of a mistake I made is to make me feel as badly as possible. It is as though he wants me share his tortured inner state. Even little things, like because I took an extra 15 minutes to get ready we had probably missed his sister who had been waiting at his mother’s house to see the baby, and when we get there in fact she never even came over. Stuff like this has been going on, where I think he lies to make me feel bad.
So even though he has asked for a divorce many many times, last week I said I had enough and wanted a divorce after he called me names like whore and bitch in front of his mother because I had overpaid for a mattress and I guess messed up his deal he was working on with another sales agent by mistake. Knowing all the information i know now, I can understand that it was not well played but it was an honest mistake, I just got excited. But the wrath he has created seems way out of proportion. It definitely does not make me feel loved. Since I said I wanted a divorce things have really fallen apart. Instead of it being a wake up call for him, he has such hatred for me. I don’t really want a divorce, but I don’t see that the situation is getting better.
Now he seems to be embarking on a campaign against me while at the same time helping me with stuff like getting my car fixed etc. It’s a bit confusing. Generally he’s helpful, than he says stuff repeatedly about how I’m probably dating already etc. He says his family doesn’t want me around anymore. He says more and more people around him are now seeing me for who I truly am, a cheater who abandoned him just before a life threatening operation, and they are starting to hate me. He says he hates me and has even said he wishes I was dead.
I don’t know what happened to my relationship. Now he’s talking about custody and has even made some strange comments about wanting to take our son on an international flight, even though he’s about to undergo a serious operation. I can only imagine he is just trying to make me upset.
After 1.5 years of standing by his side through his diagnosis and treatment, through his ups and downs, being pregnant and taking care of our newborn mostly alone, being what he had called his “backbone”, trying not to take his outbursts personally; it wasn’t really worth it. I have been demonised for sticking up for myself. And now have to fight a monster for custody of our child. What we were supposed to be doing was preparing for this operation as a family, not starting a nuclear war. I don’t think he loved me.
He is waiting for a date for a serious operation that could leave him paralysed. Any day they could call, and ever since he decided to have the operation (last Spring), his PTSD has gotten worse, and when the day came around that they could call him in (end of August), the PTSD has been out of control. It’s like he’s looking for something to blow up about. When we first met, one of the things I loved about him is how well he took care of my daughter, now he absolutely hates her and it’s terrible to watch. Her father abandoned her and now my husband has also abandoned her.
I think when he started hating her, is when things really started to break between us. Of course he would say it is my fault that she is spoiled brat, that I have not raised her well. He has yelled in the house that it is her fault her dad wants nothing to do with her, that she is a loser and stupid. He later contextualized it (“i didn’t call you a loser, i called your behaviour a loser”). The sad part for me is that she loves him so much. He used to think she was great, he says now that he knows her better, he just doesn’t like her and it’s my fault.
As things got worse i decided it was important to me that when he’s having an episode that he not be around us. In fact that was the recommendation of his therapist. Now he just says I kicked him out. When he is having an episode the littlest mundane things get him all upset and he starts swearing and getting nasty and honestly, it’s violent and it scares me. And I get afraid my daughter is going to witness it again or that his anger will be directed towards her. And i’m tired of experiencing that sick, queasy scared feeling in my stomach.
The things he gets mad at me about seem so unfair. No one is perfect. My intentions are good. He blows up one miscommunication into a disastrous outcome. To be honest, i think sometimes he lies about how dramatic the outcome of a mistake I made is to make me feel as badly as possible. It is as though he wants me share his tortured inner state. Even little things, like because I took an extra 15 minutes to get ready we had probably missed his sister who had been waiting at his mother’s house to see the baby, and when we get there in fact she never even came over. Stuff like this has been going on, where I think he lies to make me feel bad.
So even though he has asked for a divorce many many times, last week I said I had enough and wanted a divorce after he called me names like whore and bitch in front of his mother because I had overpaid for a mattress and I guess messed up his deal he was working on with another sales agent by mistake. Knowing all the information i know now, I can understand that it was not well played but it was an honest mistake, I just got excited. But the wrath he has created seems way out of proportion. It definitely does not make me feel loved. Since I said I wanted a divorce things have really fallen apart. Instead of it being a wake up call for him, he has such hatred for me. I don’t really want a divorce, but I don’t see that the situation is getting better.
Now he seems to be embarking on a campaign against me while at the same time helping me with stuff like getting my car fixed etc. It’s a bit confusing. Generally he’s helpful, than he says stuff repeatedly about how I’m probably dating already etc. He says his family doesn’t want me around anymore. He says more and more people around him are now seeing me for who I truly am, a cheater who abandoned him just before a life threatening operation, and they are starting to hate me. He says he hates me and has even said he wishes I was dead.
I don’t know what happened to my relationship. Now he’s talking about custody and has even made some strange comments about wanting to take our son on an international flight, even though he’s about to undergo a serious operation. I can only imagine he is just trying to make me upset.
After 1.5 years of standing by his side through his diagnosis and treatment, through his ups and downs, being pregnant and taking care of our newborn mostly alone, being what he had called his “backbone”, trying not to take his outbursts personally; it wasn’t really worth it. I have been demonised for sticking up for myself. And now have to fight a monster for custody of our child. What we were supposed to be doing was preparing for this operation as a family, not starting a nuclear war. I don’t think he loved me.
