Abandonment Issues - Ugly Duckling Becomes Beautiful Swan

[Gloria]

This is really triggering my depression. I have not felt this terrible pain and lonelinesss for months. I feel like I did when I was involved with my ex-boyfriend. I thought I was so over that. He used to break up with me out of the blue with no reason. That's the worst thing that can happen to someone with abandonment issues. Guess what? If you are/have been involved with someone that pulls this on you, the chances are pretty good that this person knows that not talking to you and not telling you what you did wrong will really trigger you. Once they know that little trick, they will use on you again and again if you don't do what they want.

I realize this and I was so heartbroken that I would admit myself into the mental hospital because I knew that I am a high risk for suicide, both sibling and uncles on both my mother's and father's side of the family committed suicide. And this abandonment thing was what triggered my hospitalizations every time. It's the only reason that I became suicidal. Well, except for when I feel that I am more of burden to the world than a blessing. I think that's one of the lessons.

I'm actually my therapist today and because she will be out of town next week, I am going to see her associate. I've never done this before. But working on this is hitting me hard. I think to myself that maybe I shouldn't try to do this but I never want my kids to see me suicidal and upset and in a mental hospital again. I'm determined to get this resolved. But all of a sudden, last night I kept thinking of the friendships and people that I have lost in the past couple years. I was feeling sad that they weren't in my life. I was feeling so stupid for working so hard to maintain friendships/relationships when it was obvious to everyone (but me) that they were using me and abusive. Not all... some were not mentally healthy. My ex said something to me that was accurate (everybody can do something right sometimes). Most people run as fast as they can from the people I make friends with. I don't run away but do everything I can to make that person my friend. I have poor judgement. I make a joke of it. I tell my therapist that I need to admit myself in the mental hospital so I can meet my next husband. :p It was a joke. I was just kidding but almost always the people I make friends with I initially dislike them very much and then I feel bad for being judgemental and overcompensate. The reason I do this is because my sister was very mentally ill. I am high functioning from a very abusive childhood but my sister smelled bad, was a hoarder and talked and behaved like a little girl. From the time I was a little girl, I felt so protective of my brother and sister because we didn't look normal and teachers treated them mean and kids would bully them. It wasn't their fault, we were underfed and had holes in our clothes and were afraid to talk.

So I am really very protective of mentally ill people and God forbid somebody at a store or anywhere makes fun of a mentally ill person. They will get an earful from me! I reported one of the postal workers when this postal worker was rolling of this person who obviously was unable to communicate very well. This is one reason that I do attract what people think are strange friends. At a retreat once I talked about this issue and how I didn't want to be judgemental. This woman at the retreat said it was okay to judge but not to punish. I remembered that.

I used to do equine therapy on my farm for "mentally ill" individuals - depression, PTSD, etc. but over and over again, they would not accept my boundaries and would come on my property in the middle of the night and come over any time they needed a friend and it was very rude and inconderate. Now, I only do equine therapy for children with cancer. I'm proud of myself for setting limits.

Most of the people that become my friends think that I have my act together so well and they are so upset all the time and needy that the relationship becomes very one sided and they actually forget that I have problems also. I ended some friendships like that and I'm proud to say have tried to nurture my healthy friendships and it feels good. This Christmas I didn't answer my phone for weeks to avoid people who didn't have jobs or would just complain and complain. It really helped me stay upbeat and not get depressed. I don't anyone on this forum that I don't want to be their friend because of this PTSD or any other illness. I might not be able to handle other people's stuff all the time but I do care and like and love many people on this forum.

 

[intothelight]

'...except for 'self-abandonment', if that makes any sense ?? :)confused:?)

Wow Junebug,

That makes a lot of sense. That sums up the first 11 steps that Gloria outlined. Isn't that what a lot of us do? We feel like we have lost ourselves, using terms "the person we were before", "not having a core", "not knowing who we are", etc. I know it ties in to the feeling of self-worthlessness and low self-esteem.

I know that I always look externally for acceptance, validation, and affirmation. It is like I need that to determine if I am "being a normal person", or "I may have some value". Honestly, I wasn't aware of just how much I did it until recently. I understand why I do it, but this really helps give some steps of changing that.

Don't know if I am way off base here, but I think the person we may have abandoned is the person we are. I keep saying that I need to accept myself and know that I am "good enough". The external messages, damaged the internal regulation. Turn off the external and focus on healing the internal.

My .02.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think the person we may have abandoned is the person we are.

I keep saying that I need to accept myself and know that I am "good enough". The external messages, damaged the internal regulation. Turn off the external and focus on healing the internal.

Talk about 'wow' Deb, think you've 'cracked' the code. :)

P.S Gloria- it may be a 'fairy tale' but the truth remains- "A swan is a swan" :)

 

[Gloria]

Last night I read the entire book Black Swan The Twelve Lesson of Abandonment Recovery. I'm a speed reader so I had to pace myself and read it slowly to let it sink in but it's only 105 pages. I HIGHLY recommend this book to everyone on the forum. It is just a fairy tale of a little girl who was abandoned and the Black Swan (who was also wounded very deeply) teaches her the lessons. The author says that some people will find some parts easy and some parts not so easy depending on their experience.

It's funny how things stick out but the little girl always wanted to eat out of the garbage and sleep on rags after her abandonment. She was shattered and felt worthless. My sister (who committed suicide and experienced the horrors of our childhood) would never, never let me buy her new pillows. She had pillows that smelled and were very old but she refused to get rid of them. We grew up with very old smelly pillows and slept in a must basement. Apparently my sister felt comforted by the "familiar". I only discovered 600 count sheets a couple years ago as even as a well-paid executive married to millionaire, I would get all our household things - sheets, towels at the thrift shop. It made my husband angry that I refused to spend money but old towels and old sheets were what I was familiar with. Not any more. I was about 13 before anyone could style my hair. I had a thing about someone touching my hair. It's been a long journey for me but the author advises to read the book several times because you will get more from it every time you read it. Also, at the back of the book, she puts in a number of exercises that the Black Swan taught the little girl. I am going to use these to meditate. For example, putting my hand over my heart and feeling the love and facing my palms out to push the abandoners away.

One of the main themes in the book is to stay in the present moment. I could never figure out why I called "Mommy" when I was really sad and stressed out. My mother never once hugged me but it's the deep wound. The book requests that you experience your separateness. It wasn't difficult for me to understand the book. I've read Tolle - The Power of Now and was married to a buddist who knew how to meditate and just be still and use your senses and stay in the moment. So when I'm triggered by an abandonment issue, I will try to meditate and feel all my senses and stay in the moment. There was a chapter that told about the Black Swan traveling far out to see to experience separateness so that he could feel his true identity. Well, I have done something similar in (some people think this is daring but it really isn't difficult) I have take long trips to Europe all by myself. To be out of communication with your family and friends and to be a complete foreign land, I wasn't scared. I just used all my senses to take in everything around me and marvel at the other worlds that exist that many Americans don't know about.

I related so much to filthy little girl who never talked and was picked on children because I was very abused and underfed and neglected and my outward appearance and lack of confidance made me and my siblings the target for bullying.

Another lesson though is to acknowledge the fact that you are important. Too many therapists tried to show me how "special" I was and I hate that. I hear "you are so interesting" almost every day and it makes me cringe because my life has been so full of tragedies and crazy events that all I want is be normal. But to think that I am just as important as anyone else? I can do that. Of course, most of my life I didn't do that because of my crushed ego.

So I am very relieved this morning as I had to go to my T yesterday because I was afraid that I wouldn't be strong enought to do this. But when you read this book, throughout the book, the little girl protests that it isn't fair and she can't do that and she is worthless and you identify so much with her.

It's going to be tool for me and I actually am going to order more books and send to my sisters in survival - my friends from ACOA. Right now, I am putting my hand on my heart and knowing feeling the love. As the book says even if you don't have someone who is giving you love, you can feel the love that is within your heart and eventually others will be drawn to you because you will share your learnings and the love inside of you.

Let me tell you, I used to have every self help book you can imagine. Dr. Phil's workbooks were too hard. I tried through therapy for many years to heal this wound and I am absolutely certain that this book is going to help me heal. In the reviews on-line, some doctor wrote "If there was a pill that would cure the abandonment issue, this book is that pill". It is a painless pill not a difficult and long operation and starts to work as soon as you read the book. It's very short and just a story of a little girl and a swan so it shouldn't trigger you very much. I think the worst part was when the girl was abandoned. I felt the pain of being shattered but after that I healed along with the little girl and I'm going to read it again tonight as I am dedicating this weekend to prayer and meditation.

It is just essential. I talks about gratitude, staying in the moment and using your senses to enjoy our very short time on this earth and to follow the golden rule and treat others like you would like to be treated.

 

[Gloria]

I'm focusing on this abandonment issue thing. For years I just thought I had depression until I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. Finding this site two years ago and having a therapist that thinks I'm rational and sane has helped a lot. But I have this terrible pain from abandonment issues from my childhood and failed relationships. Those who want to would will pick at that wound and make comments to hurt me like I don't need someone in my life - just do it. When they were not abandoned as a child and have spouses that are supportive. My T says that it's not only ignorance, it comes jealousy also. My T thinks that jealousy is a very common motivation for cruelty. I purposely try to wear baggy clothes because women stare at me with daggers in their eyes because of jealousy and men stare at me with lust and neither is pleasant.

But I am feeling better every day. I do a meditation using the body language of the each lesson that the little girl in the black swan went through. But this book is changing my life because I got in touch with the author and got information about doing workshops. I can do workshops because I was trained facilitator but I didn't think I had the energy and strength to put together the materials but I have them now - enough material to cover a weekend and instructions on how to do a seminar. I know that the retreat house that I go to has so many members and abandonment issues are (according to the author - and I beleive this) a key part of addiction. I do want to help people to heal. I'm very well known at the retreat. I stick out like a sore thumb I guess because everybody knows me as the "egg lady", I always bring dozens and dozens of eggs to the retreat and invite people to visit when they are there because my farm is only a mile away. We have so much fun and people have never seen a working farm and they are afraid of the chickens and it's fun.

But this is my meditation routine:

1. Close hand across chest (to find my center and feel love)
2. turn hands outward from chest (to push away the wounders)
3. tilt head to the side, to create my presence
4. lift chest (this is very helpful, body posture can change how
5. take breath (and accept your present moment)
6. press palms on heart (to increase your acceptance and self love)
7. open one hand ( letting things go)
8. extend open hand (think about helping others)
9. arms around self (embracing the person that I am)
10. gaze skyward (hoping, dreaming and rising above the abandonment)
11. stand up, arms outstretched (this is when I lift my hand in praise to fill myself with God's love)

I did write to the author and I got the workbook (Darn! another workbook but this is better than Dr. Phil's or the self esteem work books that I've done because it hits my core issue.

 

[Gloria]

I practiced this often now. It helps. Once I went to a therapist that taught me to put my thumb and index finder together when I felt anxious. It helped. Ick! I am setting as a goal going to the author's workshop at the end of March. I am still such an executive and such a project manager but goal and objectives are what I do. So my goal is to have gone through all the material by then of March and worked with my therapist and finish off by going to Massachusetts (by train) and spending the weekend at this seminar. I will mark this as the true beginning of my life with no fear of abandonment and no memories or anger for the pain that my "wounder's inflicted on me.

 

[Gloria]

Every day as I practice the SWIRL thing, my hurt and memories are becoming less emotional and suddenly I am seeing so much clearer how some people actually manipulate "weakened" egos like mine and they are like predators. I feel very strongly that is why these powerful and famous men wanted to marry me. They didn't want someone to share their life just be a decoration in their egotistical world. I look back without anger now and just seeing clearly for the first time. I had this huge wound and couldn't acknowledge it. Why? Because I was working and part of a social group or women that were feminists so they just saw my abandonment issues as a weakness so I tried to be brave and not acknowledge my fears and loneliness and it got me into big trouble. I remember every single time ...every single time... I did not want to marry my husband but my friends would tell me that I was crazy and that the guy was rich, famous, handsome, smart and I was just afraid of commitment. Yeah, I was afraid of commitment all right - commitment to a mental institute if you ever lived as "arm candy" with no feelings and no rights and could be tossed aside at any time if I became too much trouble because there were women waiting in line to take my place. And they did take my place. My ex-husbands were married almost as many times as me - maybe now they have been married more times. I don't keep in touch.

 

[The Albatross]

Once I went to a therapist that taught me to put my thumb and index finder together when I felt anxious. It helped.

I use the index finger to thumb trick when I am test taking... it helps me focus. I learned it in a seminar way back in 1976. Interesting, I haven't tried it for anxiety.

 

[Srain]

Yeah, I was afraid of commitment all right - commitment to a mental institute if you ever lived as "arm candy" with no feelings and no rights and could be tossed aside at any time if I became too much trouble because there were women waiting in line to take my place. And they did take my place.

I tried living that lifestyle for a short period of time. I thought power was in getting them to want me and give me anything I asked for, beating out the other females, "winning" for a change. I thought it was me taking control instead of being controlled. At one point I had it all, anything I wanted, calling the shots for the most part...little Rain, made a decision one day while struggling on the streets to set her sights for higher and go after "them", give them something they wanted in exchange for whatever I wanted. It's not that difficult to figure out how the game is played. You don't even have to be beautiful. If you think you have the power and make them think they have the power, that's the game to "arm candy", in my opinion. You aren't just tossed aside you are expendable but so are they. There is no love in that game, it's power.

Unless you are talking about a different kind of "arm candy" ...this is what we referred to it as and it doesn't last, never.

It's good you are finding ways of dealing with the stress. It sounds like you are processing a lot.
Good job.

 

[Gloria]

Srain, There is a secret that many women don't know but they write books about it all the time like the "The Rules" and "Why do Men like Bitches" or something like that but if a man has a huge ego, he is so easy to manipulate. Flattery will get you anywhere with this type. But once you have them, it's very exhausting keeping that ego pumped up and making him look good. I was married to a surgeon. Talk about egos! I had to go to dinners all the time and spend days with him as I tried on dresses and then the tailors had to fit it because I became thinner and thinner. I could never wear the same dress twice and had to spend the day of the event getting my hair and nails done and then I had to walk in the room with my head up high and posed because it was the society pages of the newspaper. :laugh: I'm sitting here in my huge ugly sweater and just went out to the barn to take care of the goats, horses and chickens! When I was married to the surgeon, I was not even allowed to ride horses because it was dirty and he was a maniac for cleanliness.

 

[Gloria]

This Black Swan analogy of the the little girl really has hit home with me and I'm doing the workbook. I haven't started the workbook but did print it out after buying it off of the author's website. One of the first exercises I saw was what feelings did you have when you read about the little girl being abandoned. Well, I didn't have an feelings until last night. I had a vivid dream very similar to the little girl's experience last night. I am banned/disowned/unwelcome/not to be communicated with.. my family. After my sister's suicide, i found out from her co-worker and friend that my brother had molested all three of his half-sisters. I had thought my sister got off because she was retarded and not pretty but a molester doesn't care.

Anyway, I confronted my brother and my family about a lot of things and am completely disowned. I admit that my brother was 35 years older than me and I hope he's dead but I won't check the obituaries (because for sure he will be listed in the Chicago Tribune) because I'm afraid I'd be disappointed. But I was banned by that brother and betrayed by my dead sister because even though I was the one who loved her, she did everything she could so that she would feel like part of that dysfunctional family and that included bashing me and telling terrible stories about me (which would please my dysfunctional family and so she had to do this. I know she was desperate to be part of that family and it made her the center of attention when they could get tidbits of terrible things about me. Some were terrible things that happened to me that they relished but other things were mistakes or misfortunes because of my stupidity which pleased them even more. So my sister used to get drunk and call me in the middle of the night and tell me she was going to hell because I was so kind to her and she betrayed me. I knew what she was doing all the time but until my dream last night didn't understand why.

You see in my dream, I accidentally got an invitation to a party and my family was there. When I got there I was made to feel very not not welcome and this is so strange but I remember every detail. I remember that I didn't know how I got there and so didn't plan ahead and was not wearing makeup, dressed nice or driving my good car so I arrived looking like I actually do writing this on the forum. I remember (in my dream) chastising myself for feeling bad about not getting cleaned up and remembered thinking to myself that I could be the most educated, most successful with the best skin and teeth of the entire family (which happens to be true in real life) but they would never accept me anyway so it didn't matter. They didn't matter. I remember seeing people who were old and I couldn't recognize them and knew that they were my brothers and sisters. You see I haven't seen them for many years and they are between 8 and 35 years older than I am so they would unrecognizable to me. I remember I saw my half brother and was very disappointed that he was still alive. I remember he told me like with this guilt trip tone of voice. "You know we lost a mother-in-law" like I was supposed to express my condolences when I didn't even exist to them? Then this is what is sticking with me this morning. I remember leaving and hoping that one of them would say something nice or call me back but they didn't. Then I realized that there was a scene in the book where the abandoned girl sees her family happy after they abandoned her and how desperately hurt she felt. Even though I have distanced myself from the family of origin myself. I was banned at 18 and then again and again. I don't think it was so much that my brother molested me. He molested my other half sister and she goes to family gatherings and acts like nothing happened. She would never confront him. And I never spoke up until my sister's death and they still abandoned me and banned me and I feel the pain right now. Following the instructions in the workbook, I am not trying to push it out of my mind but feeling the pain and understanding why it hurts so much and why I feel so alone. And why since my last relationship, I just won't let any man close and have a difficult time finding safe female friends as well.

It hurts to feel this abandonment. It hurts to feel like my family didn't love me and I don't matter. It hurts...... But it hurt my brother and sister so much that they took their own lives. It was the abandonment because my brother is dead for a long time but I saw my 23 year old brother cry and cry and ask me why they didn't love him. Why did they treat him like that and I told him that I loved him but that wasn't enough. That cut, the shattering or his ego went too deep. My sister would not cry but she wasn't dealing with reality. When I would point out that she was invited to baptisms and all sorts of things, she would get very upset but she never got it. The older half-brothers and sister didn't want their father to re-marry and have children (because he was 60 years old when I was born and 63 when my younger brother was born) and we were "mistakes" and treated like that all of our lives.

You know what the sad part is? I am just the most loving sister you could have. My sons love each other and hug each other and care for each other. They had the opportunity to be good people and instead of doing the right thing, they did horrible things. I don't have anything that hateful and mean that I regret doing. I did send in evidence of my ex's fraud to the district attorney and don't regret it because he kept coming back until I did that and I knew he couldn't come back after that. He couldn't trust me. If he told me anything, I could (and would) just have more evidence to report him and I know he got nailed for that also. But I refuse to check up on the case because I will be disappointed if he got off and didn't go to jail.

What a warped mind I have! I talk to my therapist about how evil I am that I would be disappointed if this man isn't dead and this one isn't in jail but she says that I desperately want justice and to feel safe that these people are gone and I will never see them again. If I was really sick, I would think about them but I don't. Normally, I just put them out of my mind completely but then the workbook triggered the dream. It's all good. I am getting in touch with my feelings. Acknowledging my feeling is not going to hurt me. Distracting myself leaves me open to attack if I do remember under stress. Remembering in a safe environment is good... I guess.

 

[Gloria]

Yet another night of uncomfortable dreams and I would have to classify it as full-blown PTSD trigger. I am very uncomfortable. My heart rate is up and I feel the emotional pain very strongly but keep using my breathing exercises and letting go and then the feelings come back and I let them go but I am examining my feelings instead of going out and doing things that will make me forget. I hope it's worth it. The sexual and other traumas, I have been able to remember and talk about without difficulty - twenty years in some kind of therapy and support groups. But the abandonment trigger was a big part of the devastation and illness that I fell into after my ex called the cops on me and I was alone and unable to contact anyone and scared out of my mind and injured by the police. How abandoned I felt for hours sitting out side the jail with the homeless people attacking me and no way to call anyone or get home. The police took my money and I must have passed out because when I got home, everything was stolen from my purse.

Well, today I am having lunch with a friend. This woman is from Scotland and so ladylike and delicate. She was a missionary and is a very pure soul. I feel very lucky to have her as my friend. We will go eat sushi and talk for hours. Hopefully, this rapid heart-rate and feeling of abandonment anxiety will go away.

Tomorrow, my T is back from vacation so I am hoping she will help me process some of this. I am proud of the fact that I didn't have a real break down because this is my weakness. I love this book. In the book, the Black Swan reminds the little girl that she survived the original abandonment so allowing herself to feel will only make her heal. God! It's almost hysterically funny! Me? i am afraid of being alone and unloved. I am the woman everyone envies because I seem to be so popular? I am the woman that had nothing or no one and managed to raise children and buy a horse farm and be financially secure? I am the one that had balls of steal and was able to get a job as a stock broker before getting my college degree. I have climbed the glaciers of Norway by myself. I have traveled all over the U.S. and Europe by myself and I'm afraid of being abandoned. I have this deep fear of being unlovable. I think this is my insanity and I am going to do everything that I can to get rid of it.

One exercise in the book is being your own parent. It never worked before for the first time I see the strong mother instincts that I have. You probably never noticed but when the police are trying to "crack" a criminal, they don't say "You had a rough childhood" because if I say that to myself, it does nothing for me. However, the police will create a story "This poor young boy whose father deserted him, living alone in the streets" and often times can get an emotional response using this technique. Well, that's the book does. If I read that abandonment causes these problems, I am very cold to myself. But when it catches me off guard and tells the story of a little girl that got abandoned, my heart was aching and then I realized I was the little girl. So I actually going to write the sad story of "Gloria". He father didn't want to bring her home from the hospital. She was kept in a basement and not fed for days at a time and had holes in her clothes. Her parents treated her like that but also verbally abused her and taught her that she was "scum" and should not have been born so during my critical development stage, I was not taught a healthy sense of self. In fact, some of my therapists say that in my own mind, I don't matter or exist because I could cry so easily when talking about the abuse of my siblings but had a blank stare when I told of terrible things done to me.

This is a journey and it's a tough one but I think this is my last big hurdle. I have come so far.