I have been working with a trusted EMDR therapist over the last 4 years. During the course of my treatment I started reexperiencing intense memories of a kidnapping and drug facilitated assault by multiple perpetrators that occurred when I was a teen. It has come in fits and bursts always with a worsening of symptoms prior to their lessening. Within the last few months I have connected with a peer support group and been able to admit my PTSD issues for the first time to other people.
This has been a powerful week in my recovery. In some ways my PTSD has always felt like a spiritual wound that lives in my body and walled off parts of my mind. A week ago as I was falling asleep I had an intense vision of a large disc atop my heart chakra turn and open. Two days later in EMDR therapy I was processing a recent event that had triggered my original trauma, for the first time ever I was able to open the jar, walk to the edge and witness the moment in time which my mind snapped from torture. I could hear the voice of my torturer saying all the horrible things about me that make me deserving of the abuse and violation. I have never been that close before. It was ugly and painful, but I did it and was able to come back. I didn't dissociate further.
I have quite a bit more insight into why certain things are triggers and what messages that event embedded in my veiled mind. Still not done, but I have a few more eggs to open and explore. I took the lid off the monstrosity. I peeked in. I closed it quickly and don't want to look at it again just yet. But I opened it and looked at it and I live. Maybe I live a bit better than before.
This has been a powerful week in my recovery. In some ways my PTSD has always felt like a spiritual wound that lives in my body and walled off parts of my mind. A week ago as I was falling asleep I had an intense vision of a large disc atop my heart chakra turn and open. Two days later in EMDR therapy I was processing a recent event that had triggered my original trauma, for the first time ever I was able to open the jar, walk to the edge and witness the moment in time which my mind snapped from torture. I could hear the voice of my torturer saying all the horrible things about me that make me deserving of the abuse and violation. I have never been that close before. It was ugly and painful, but I did it and was able to come back. I didn't dissociate further.
I have quite a bit more insight into why certain things are triggers and what messages that event embedded in my veiled mind. Still not done, but I have a few more eggs to open and explore. I took the lid off the monstrosity. I peeked in. I closed it quickly and don't want to look at it again just yet. But I opened it and looked at it and I live. Maybe I live a bit better than before.
