Able To Look At Dissociated Abuse

[The ANP]

I have been working with a trusted EMDR therapist over the last 4 years. During the course of my treatment I started reexperiencing intense memories of a kidnapping and drug facilitated assault by multiple perpetrators that occurred when I was a teen. It has come in fits and bursts always with a worsening of symptoms prior to their lessening. Within the last few months I have connected with a peer support group and been able to admit my PTSD issues for the first time to other people.
This has been a powerful week in my recovery. In some ways my PTSD has always felt like a spiritual wound that lives in my body and walled off parts of my mind. A week ago as I was falling asleep I had an intense vision of a large disc atop my heart chakra turn and open. Two days later in EMDR therapy I was processing a recent event that had triggered my original trauma, for the first time ever I was able to open the jar, walk to the edge and witness the moment in time which my mind snapped from torture. I could hear the voice of my torturer saying all the horrible things about me that make me deserving of the abuse and violation. I have never been that close before. It was ugly and painful, but I did it and was able to come back. I didn't dissociate further.
I have quite a bit more insight into why certain things are triggers and what messages that event embedded in my veiled mind. Still not done, but I have a few more eggs to open and explore. I took the lid off the monstrosity. I peeked in. I closed it quickly and don't want to look at it again just yet. But I opened it and looked at it and I live. Maybe I live a bit better than before.

 

[KeepingTime]

for the first time ever I was able to open the jar, walk to the edge and witness the moment in time which my mind snapped from torture.

Wow! This was so powerful and inspirational to me. So you really CAN look and not totally lose your mind?

I can't imagine how accomplished you must feel. I mean I know it's ugly and scary but you did it! And survived!

I have one memory from really early that I believe to be my initial trauma. Every time I just SEE the jar I dissociate. I don't know how to make myself to stay present and LOOK.

THANK YOU for this post! I needed to hear this today! :)

 

[The ANP]

"I can't imagine how accomplished you must feel. I mean I know it's ugly and scary but you did it! And survived! "

I am more proud of this accomplishment than of having 2 degrees, a good job, and healthy children. Not because I do not value those things but because I never worked as hard for any of those as I have for this. I can look at it without dying. I know it will get better. I have fought so hard for this.