kevin_kyle
New Here
I've always kind of thought I was normal; and I sort of hid behind this mask. It was a lot easier for people to call me smart than realize underlying issues. Growing up in the mid-west as a computer geek in the mid 90's I was just expected to be odd I guess. My mother provided a home over my head, but she had her issues as well. I pretty much was on my own for as long as I can remember. In fact, the earliest memory I have is having this earache, crying in the middle of the night and no one coming. Eventually I got up and walked in on my mom and some guy. She chased me out, and I remember her screaming at me the whole way back to my bed. The guys in her life always took priority. It didn't matter when her boyfriend at the time was beating me for wetting the bed at age 4. It didn't matter when social services was called because of a conversation I had with the neighbor kid raised red flags that I was being sexually abused. There was a moment when one boyfriend was different, and would be the only one I would ever call dad, but that was short lived. It seemed just as soon as they got married it all fell apart. He would get so mad and drunk and start beating her. One night late at night he brought the fight into my room. I had this hole in my closet door as a reminder from that night. The worst night she ended up in the emergency room and he in jail. She still took him back. I eagerly joined the Army at age 17 just to get away from it. For whatever reason I ended up in Ft. Benning; the home of the infantry. After 2 years I left the Army. I ended up getting my CDL and working in the Oilfield. After I realized that was a dead end I went to school and got a degree. I stayed in the oilfield, but changed job roles. I am very good at my job, and it even put me working under the CEO of a mid sized company. During all this I can remember that I was not happy, but rather doing it to chase happiness. I could go on, and on, but my effort in all this is to maybe not feel so alone all the time. I can be at a bar full of people, but I just sit there unable to interact with anyone. I've been actively dealing and learning about this for over a year now, but there really doesn't seem to be any relief.
