About Time I Came Clean, With Myself.

[Deleted member 20280]

I, Laurie, have been a member of this forum for just over 18 months now. I have been accused of being false, fake and just a show off.

Well, I'm not. I am none of the above. I am a sufferer. Simple as that, I am a Sufferer. The same as all sufferers.

Last Friday I was interviewed by a Community Psychiatric Nurse, the first CPN to actually have my full file available to them. Guess what? I got scared, really scared at what she had to disclose to me that day.

Being told that after 24 years of no help what-so-ever I was actually going to get the help I desperately needed, being told that I DID matter, I am able to be helped. All this after seeing a string of psychiatry nurses, three Psychiatrists telling me I was simply TOO bad to help, TOO far gone to be salvageable. Basically being told I was beyond help! , to be told that I was to be re-assessed, re-diagnosed as they are concerned I have a lot more problems and Mental health issues than those already recorded. YES I shit myself, I got scared, really scared.

WELL.

I went into meltdown. I do NOT allow that to ever happen *Forum Side*, ( I come to the forum for help grounding - I do not crack when I am here any more, I do not feel safe cracking in front of people here, people see me as the infallible 'Santa', the happy, help anyone 'Santa'.

Inside of 'Santa' remains the small pieces of 'Laurie' that are struggling to survive. Those small pieces are still a very real part of me, these are the pieces I am struggling to put back together.

Well, I CRACKED, well and truly CRACKED!. Forum Side!. And guess what, I got scared, really scared. I triggered whilst in the forum. When I do that I get so scared, I feel literally trapped, between threads and chat, between private conversation and forum, like being trapped in an elevator, going up and down, aimlessly looking for an escape route, and I could NOT get free, I could not free myself. Trapped Inside this Forum for several hours, 5 private conversations simultaneously happening, 5 different people calming me, grounding me, THEY already know who they are and YES, I have told them and YES I have thanked them Individually.

I do NOT like cracking publicly, I do NOT want people here seeing me at my most vulnerable, BUT..... I did!, I let my guard down and Trusted these people, and know what..... They did NOT let me down, they stood firm by Laurie, they Helped me, they cradled me and let me cry, they let me show them who I really am.

I now want to share a simple message thread involved in one of my numerous 'Episodes' these last 5 days, a member of this forum helped me ground one of the most upsetting and painful episodes I have EVER suffered.

-------------------------------------------------

Shit!
Police here now
No police
Please.
No police
Sorry you don't need this.
I will keep safe
-------------------
X
Breath hun
-------------------
Can't stop them screaming
Tell police to go
Stop him shouting or I will
No
I cant
--------------------
I wish I could. Can you hum a song?
--------------------
I cant
No
--------------------
Try
--------------------
Need to breath
Must slow my heart
Must breath
Must slow heart down.
Must breath
Slower
Slower again
Slower now
Slow
Close my eyes
Breathing slower now
Slow deep breaths
Must focus
Must breath
---------------------
Good. Keep breathing love
Breath
X
---------------------
Heart slowing down
---------------------
Good
---------------------
Sorry
Really sorry
---------------------
Don't be
---------------------
Need to be
Need to be sorry to you
---------------------
It's fine Laurie
---------------------
They are going
Taken him away
Not me
Not me this time
No no!
---------------------
You're doing great
---------------------
Not me, not taken me
They are driving past me
Must breath
Slow down
Breath slower
Out of sight now
Shouting stopped
Safe
Am I safe
Tell me I am safe
Please
Tell me
Shit
---------------------
Keep breathing. You're are safe Laurie
---------------------
Sorry
You should never have seen this
No one ever sees him
No one Ever must see him
---------------------
It's ok Laurie.
---------------------
Focus
This is why I cant ground on forum side
This f*cking hurts
Slow breathing
Slower
---------------------
I am here
---------------------
Slower
Thankyou
---------------------
You're safe
---------------------
I am safe
Safe again
All over.police gone
He's gone
He's quiet
Little is safe
With ******
Still
---------------------
You are both safe now
---------------------
Safe
He must be safe
Little me must be safe
Must never let little me see this
Ever
Chest hurts now
Hug me close please
---------------------
Can you drink some cold water?
I'm hugging you
---------------------
Had to walk out
Have had to break the rules
No knives
No knives, Ever!
---------------------
It's ok. As long as you are ok, then breaking the rules is fine
---------------------
I am safe now.
Little and you are safe.
He has gone. They are gone.
Forum is safe.
Forum is safe. Little is there. He is safe
With *****
He must be safe
Little me must be safe.
---------------------
Good
---------------------
I will be safe. I am big, he gets scared,
little me gets scared.
*** will keep him safe
Little must be safe
If he is, then I am
Sorry
Sorry *****
Shit.
Shakes time
Stopped now.
Compose myself and carry on
----------------------
Don't be sorry.
xx
----------------------
Thank you *****
----------------------
Please don't be cross with me
No one ever sees this
I must keep him chained up
Must lock him away
If I dont.
They will lock me up again
I cant be locked up again
Ever again
Please dont let them
Dont let them take me from my little boy
My little me
-----------------------
I won't, I Promise
-----------------------
Must see doctors in morning
Must see them
Must
I will see doctors and report the incident tonight
involving the police and Jamie. Must tell doctor
HE came out. He upset little and made me cry.
Big me must be safe. If big me is safe. Then all of me is safe.
All of me must be safe. Even HIM
-----------------------
He has stopped
He is not screaming
He is calm
Awake still but calm
Awake
Sweating now, thats good
***** kept me safe
*** kept little me safe
He is resting
He is asleep again
In his room.
-----------------------
All safe, all calm. Everything is good
Door locked
Locked from outside
Locked and closed
Check his door
Make sure locked
Locked !
-----------------------
Yes
Door is locked now and he is asleep
He is asleep, Laurie and ***** are safe now
Must text Graham and Dan tell them that this has
happened but laurie, ***** and little_me are safe.
Must keep ***** safe
***** cares
Is ***** safe ??
-----------------------
I'm safe honey
Hugs
-----------------------
Hugs
Must calm anger now.
That is easy
Can do that right now. Look at laurie please,
please.
Please look at laurie *****
Look at my eyes
Please
-----------------------
I'm looking
-----------------------
I know. I can see your eyes
Beautiful and love
Good eyes
Caring eyes
Loving and caring eyes
-----------------------
Down. Parked and calm
-----------------------
Good
-----------------------
Leaving.
Home is safe
Here is not
Keep me safe
Then ***** is safe
And little me is safe
-----------------------
Don't worry about me hun. I'm safe
-----------------------
Keep ***** and Little me safe
-----------------------
We are all safe now
At home. Safe. All safe now. Door locked and all safe
-----------------------
That's good hun.
-----------------------
Safe with safe people
They were not safe for little laurie
They hurt little laurie
Never let them hurt him again,
Never again
They were NOT safe for little laurie.
------------------------

SO!.

The above is just one of my bad episodes, honestly, probably one of the most painful ones I have endured yet, ever!.

If I am going to come clean about how much I am actually suffering inside with myself, then I may as well come clean with the rest of you. I have nothing to hide, I do NOT need to use 'Santa' to make me look invincible.

I SUFFER, Laurie that is, not SANTA.

Santa has his place here and always will, Santa is the giggly part of me that makes users smile, makes them giggle, makes them take a moment to laugh and really enjoy a moment or two. If 'Santa' helps one person each day then his job is done.!

Laurie is still here, suffering and crying the same. struggling day by day to get out of bed, struggling yet carrying on.

Well, there you go people.

Criticisms accepted. All opinions respected.

Laurie is the real man, the Real Sufferer, Santa has enough :hug:s and more for anyone who want's one or needs one.

We all need to remember that behind each Avatar, behind each relatively anonymous username there is a real person, a real sufferer, a sufferer who hurts, yet cares for others and puts others first.

Laurie

 

[J_trustno1]

Aww, :hug:s Laurie. since I am not allowed to say the sorry word but I can give you lots of massive :hug:s. I'm happy that you are finally feeling okay. Lastly, I wanted to add that you are safe here with us and you are NOT fake. You are allowed to be vulnerable, cry, feel low and be yourself. Please don't be hard on yourself. I wish I was here when you needed me. Please let me know whenever you need me :hug:s

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So how many of you are in there and which one should I be pissed at for ignoring me when I tried to help you from the get-go? Maybe it just rubs me the wrong way that I really tried to help you and you ignored me, but everyone who gloms on to your Santa persona is your new best friend. (I'm not stupid, I see the clique-ness in chat.) Maybe that's part of the problem. You only make friends with those who love your Santa persona. If you let anyone see the real you, then they aren't real friends and you just move on and ignore them. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Dear @Solara

I have clearly offended you without meaning to, I am more than happy to rectify that either publicly or in private. I would never have intentionally upset or ignored you. If this issue is un-resolvable then I apologise again.

Laurie

 

[Ghostybear73]

I have seen the real you, the Laurie here on chat side and we have talked down the *bastard* you describe him as. You have never just moved on and ignored me. I'm sorry that others feel that you do move on and ignore them when you let them see the real you, but remember that is their feelings and they have let those feelings take control.

I know how hard it is to fight the beast within, Laurie and I will always be here to help as many others on this forums. I'm glad you were finally able to share your true feelings. I am also glad Santa is around to help keep a little balance in such a f*cked up, unbalanced world

:hug:

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Hi Santa I wa so upset when I read your post, I truly hope you are k. PLease don't give up nd there's nothing wrong in letting go sometimes and showing your feelings. May god give you strength but most of all inner and outer peace. Rooting for you x

 

[Whirlwind]

This is the first time I've seen you struggle....but I didn't think you were frequenting this site for the reverie!

Simple as that, I am a Sufferer.

I'm grateful you have friends here to support you when you needed it, I'm truly sorry for your incident but it was touching to read your transcript.

Santa has brought me some much needed levity, so on that note a heartfelt thank you.

Take good care! Whirlwind

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Very valid question @Solara , how many are there.

The CPN was very concerned regarding this particular point. She feels that my original diagnosis of PTSD (multi Trauma) was correct, but she also feels there were unseen mental conditions as well. Potential for Explosive personality disorder. I really don't know. She also feels that my current meds are failing to work, this she is very concerned about as I am unstable medications wise, again!

Laurie

 

[Lolly]

:hug: I am so pleased you are getting the help you need, that is such awesome news! I haven't been here long, but I know that you are very much loved in the community, and with good reason. You have made me laugh on days I thought I would never smile again, so thank you so much for that. I have only ever known the upbeat, funny Santa but never for one second did it come into my mind that you were faking it. There is a lovely quote that says "the saddest people smile the brightest... all because they do not wish to see anyone suffer the way they do", and it made me think of you. I'm sorry you had a tough few days online, but I'm pleased you've been getting the support you needed from your friends.

Take care, and thank you for all the hugs.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I apologise to you Laurie, for all I take and the little I give. I am a selfish person, I seek but give nothing back often. I'm a pirate.

I am sorry.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@otakujome you are not a pirate at all, we are all at differing junctions on our own recovery duty.

I chose to give to the wider community here, I am comfortable with that, many are not.

You are here to discover and learn, so as to better heal yourself recover as best you can.

We will all, always have PTSD, unless someone does make a magic PILL.

Keep strong and I am here for you the same as anyone who might ask

Laurie

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I am a pirate, how little can I give, but how much I take. I selfishly take away for my own needs, but can give nothing in return.