@otakujome : I'm sorry that you are feeling this about yourself. It's a very common trap you can get yourself into due to all those years of abuse, depression and finally the big word "PTSD"!! I am not denying that I don't feel this way, I feel like this 14 days a month (there is also a biological reason for this and my psychiatrist and I are getting to the root of this with some blood tests).
So What I am trying to tell you is that the more you think about "failing" or low grades equating failure, the more you'll find yourself trapped in this quicksand of emotions and vicious cycle of negative thinking. Of course I have a fear of failure, I am a perfectionist and whenever I fail, (e.g. failed my restricted drivers test due to my anxiety and now job rejections), I feel exactly how you do. But what I am getting at is that you've gotta let this fear go or else it'll keep eating you up. I know it's easier said than done but sometimes failing is not so bad and getting a grade lower than A+ is not so bad either. You can't keep hating or berating yourself over little things, I know it sounds like a big thing for now, but life is much more than just exams. Yes, I've also learned that lesson after finishing my university last year and feeling crap for a year already, but getting better. You have so much to live for and learn. It's all a growing and learning experience. Of course you'll feel challenged, beaten, hurt, disappointed in life right now, but trust me this entire journey of sorrow, grieving, crying, emotional crap and finally moving towards healing is worth it. It's not easy but also not impossible.
I'm glad that I failed my first attempt at my practical restricted drivers test, i mean I was very nervous who knows I could've taken someone's life or even my life in all that anxiety (I don't think I am that bad though lol). I'm kinda accepting the fact that I am rejected from 5-10 jobs per week, maybe there is something better out there or maybe I'm not ready or maybe I need to develop myself more. But try accepting yourself for who you are, it will be harder at the beginning but it'll get easier and the feeling of accepting yourself is very precious. Sorry for writing too much. :hug:s if you need them.
