Hi,
This is my introduction. I haven't been able to tell everything to any1 yet, but this is hopefully a start.
I grew up with lots of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. My father was a big man and you didn't argue with him, if you ever did, he would make sure you regretted it. It went on for many years, he would beat me with whatever was nearby ( a broom, his belt and once he even ripped the door of my bedside table and beat me repeatedly with that). Other nights I just wished that he beat me. At the same time he would just whisper 'No wonder I hate you'.
One day he pushed my Mum down the stairs and she was 6+mths pregnant. He left that day and I wished he would never come back, but he did (6mths later) and things just got even worse.
When I turned 14, enough was enough and I just left home after another episode. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I ended up living on the streets. I found myself stuck on the streets, I had no money and so couldn't afford to eat, let alone pay for somewhere to stay. When you don't have an address it is really hard to get a job. As this was b4 internet and you would usually apply by mail. At 14, that was a pretty scary place to be. For some reason I kept going to school and managed to finish, I even kept going and become an Engineer. I thought I had dealt with all the crap and managed to move on.
I didn't know anything about PTSD, I just knew that I was easily scared and just thought I was jumpy. I've since found out it is part of the PTSD, so I guess I didn't get out unscathed, even then.
Many years later, one day, I was working and I went down to the park for a break when I spotted someone fall from behind a tree. It was Sunday and near a pub, so I thought he had had too much to drink. I few minutes later I looked up in that direction and noticed someone standing over him. Then he started beating him. It was horrible, it brought back so many memories of what my Dad did and I guess I froze. I don't know how long I froze for but it seemed like an eternity. Then I just wanted him to stop, so I tried to stop him. It was too late, by the time I got up to the guy on the ground he was covered in blood. The other guy was now looking at me, and I realised that I could be in a lot of trouble. Anyway, this guy ended up getting caught, and I had to do the whole court thing. That took some years and so it just dragged on. That was awful, having to go thru everything detail by detail. And questions like "Why didn't I help earlier?". I ask this question of myself over and over.... "WHAT IF??" The court case was the icing on the cake. My mother died at the same time and I guess everything just bubbled up. I didn't understand what was happening to me, I just tried to keep going. Didn't work.
I am lucky in that I have a very supportive husband, he doesn't really understand but he tries to help. In a way it makes it harder to understand why this has all come up now, as I have what I would call the proverbial "what picket fence" existence. I feel a bit guilty about this, as it puts so much pressure on my family, and all of this happened long b4 they did.
Anyway, I know I'm going to go over this in my head at least a dozen times, so I better sign off.
Thanks for listening
Keri
This is my introduction. I haven't been able to tell everything to any1 yet, but this is hopefully a start.
I grew up with lots of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. My father was a big man and you didn't argue with him, if you ever did, he would make sure you regretted it. It went on for many years, he would beat me with whatever was nearby ( a broom, his belt and once he even ripped the door of my bedside table and beat me repeatedly with that). Other nights I just wished that he beat me. At the same time he would just whisper 'No wonder I hate you'.
One day he pushed my Mum down the stairs and she was 6+mths pregnant. He left that day and I wished he would never come back, but he did (6mths later) and things just got even worse.
When I turned 14, enough was enough and I just left home after another episode. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I ended up living on the streets. I found myself stuck on the streets, I had no money and so couldn't afford to eat, let alone pay for somewhere to stay. When you don't have an address it is really hard to get a job. As this was b4 internet and you would usually apply by mail. At 14, that was a pretty scary place to be. For some reason I kept going to school and managed to finish, I even kept going and become an Engineer. I thought I had dealt with all the crap and managed to move on.
I didn't know anything about PTSD, I just knew that I was easily scared and just thought I was jumpy. I've since found out it is part of the PTSD, so I guess I didn't get out unscathed, even then.
Many years later, one day, I was working and I went down to the park for a break when I spotted someone fall from behind a tree. It was Sunday and near a pub, so I thought he had had too much to drink. I few minutes later I looked up in that direction and noticed someone standing over him. Then he started beating him. It was horrible, it brought back so many memories of what my Dad did and I guess I froze. I don't know how long I froze for but it seemed like an eternity. Then I just wanted him to stop, so I tried to stop him. It was too late, by the time I got up to the guy on the ground he was covered in blood. The other guy was now looking at me, and I realised that I could be in a lot of trouble. Anyway, this guy ended up getting caught, and I had to do the whole court thing. That took some years and so it just dragged on. That was awful, having to go thru everything detail by detail. And questions like "Why didn't I help earlier?". I ask this question of myself over and over.... "WHAT IF??" The court case was the icing on the cake. My mother died at the same time and I guess everything just bubbled up. I didn't understand what was happening to me, I just tried to keep going. Didn't work.
I am lucky in that I have a very supportive husband, he doesn't really understand but he tries to help. In a way it makes it harder to understand why this has all come up now, as I have what I would call the proverbial "what picket fence" existence. I feel a bit guilty about this, as it puts so much pressure on my family, and all of this happened long b4 they did.
Anyway, I know I'm going to go over this in my head at least a dozen times, so I better sign off.
Thanks for listening
Keri
