Abuse From My Son

[Stickler]

:hug: he's shooting himself in the foot, hun.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee I know all too well how it is with adult children that cause you pain. I have one of those too. We haven't had a good relationship in over 25 yrs. Have gone for periods of 6 plus yrs without speaking, only to talk again, try again and then back to no speaking. She was always the one to tell me to get the hell out of her life, until this last time. I finally made the decision I did not want her in my life, affecting my mental health, or my wallet any more.

She has abused alcohol, pills and most recently in the past few yrs, she was into heroin. She has also blamed me for her entire life. Everything that she goes through, somehow becomes my fault, even when I am not in her life.

As little as 2 yrs ago, she was married, had a home, 3 cars, 2 kids, husband, 2 dogs, a cat and a business that netted $100,000 a yr. it's all gone and she was in jail and was homeless for 18 months. Her husband will most likely be in jail for many many many yrs to come. Somehow I know she blames me for this too. There is so much more to this story, but it would take pages and pages, and quite frankly I just don't have the time, nor do I care to go over it again.

I finally had to make the decision..... Them or me? I chose me..... I hope that you can and will make the choice that is best for you. Just remember, YOU come first, as does your mental health.

 

[ladee]

The first thing I am going to do is find a T. If for nothing else they can validate the path I am on with him.
I do not take on any of his manipulation or blaming. That ship has sailed.
I see him and myself in this dance very clearly.
A recent conversation with him, I asked if he knew why I went no contact the last time. His answer , because you were not going to put up with the way I was treating you.
So somewhere I allow it to get crazy again. And that is why I need help to stop this crazy making path I am on.
I am Not beating myself up, feel no guilt, just need to get off the roller coaster. The way I am wired, once I understand why I do it, I will change it.

He doesn't blame me for being homeless. He knows that won't get him anywhere. If he was 10 and homeless then yes. But he is going to be 47 in A few months. Not even a topic of conversation.
And I am Not even having issues with taking care of myself in all this. Pain has been one hell of a motivator for change in this situation.
Such a fine line when it's my kid.
Breaks my heart to see how many of us have kids like this. We had our own hell we were trying to climb out of. And none of our kids have any compassion for our struggles, when in many cases we were trying to get healthy for them as much as our self.
I hate it for all of us. But this has also opened a much needed conversation for us.
I appreciate all the replies, but also feel the collective pain.
Hopefully this thread will remain open and We can come here and share our struggles. And victories.
I really want us to have a place to come to feel safe to share our 'mama pains' and give support to so many going thru this.
I am collectively thanking each of you for your input. And you are right @Stickler , he has shot himself in the foot.
So onward mamas, we can do together what we can not do alone. This thread is open to anyone wanting and needing to share their own situation. Please use it freely.
I wonder if the Oceans are simply mama tears??
Thank you all from my heart.

 

[Silver.]

I wonder if the Oceans are simply mama tears??

*hugs ladee* I know how hard this is on you
While I cannot say that I can truly understand, I can understand the pain of having to cut someone who means so much to you out of your life. It's hard to say "it is for the best", because it is easier said than done, especially because he is your son.
Even when we are living life doing what is best for us, sometimes the biggest kind of hurt is what is best for us.
*sitting with you and sending you calm*

 

[Recovery4Me]

I think finding forgiveness for myself for being forged by circumstances into an mental disability was an key step within healing between relationship of self and with others. I have had PTSD most of my life, under different labels as DSM progressed thus my Son was born unto a Mother with PTSD. My heart goes out to those supporters and innocent offspring whom bear the brunt along with us.

Yet removing one's guilt and shame as well as making amends where possible is absolutely critical to decipher what is to be let go of and what is to be worked upon. I truly believe dear @ladee that you have a good heart and in time, with due diligence of proper support, you will find a way to find some form of peace within this dilemma. Often it boils down to did we do a "good enough" effort under the circumstances to let go of a stone of thought that can destroy our spirit, hope and self worth.

Don't give up on you hon, your dreams or hopes. Your heart is too precious. Xx We are here.

 

[ladee]

Thanks @Silver. Just part of the journey. Like so many other things, I will accept the challenge and come out the other side. I am Not alone and that breaks my heart for all of us.

 

[ladee]

Thank you for the support @Recovery4Me ! I stopped giving up on myself a long time ago. I have been blessed with a lot on this healing journey . I worked hard for me, so no, I won't get lost at this point.
Just want and need some peace in my soul about my son. It will happen. I have my sister travelers, and it will happen. Thanks again. Namaste

 

[corvidae]

@ladee support, very very much

 

[Deleted member 541]

I had undiagnosed PTSD probably since the age of 10yrs old. Diagnosed @41, so my daughter bore the brunt of growing up with a mother full of PTSD rage and craziness. I have taken full responsibility and validated many times what she went through. I know that doesn't take away anything that she witnessed and went through.

What I can't tolerate is her blaming me. My mother and grandmother beat the shit out of me when I was a child. My brothers molested me and one of them raped me. I was also gang raped as a kid. I stopped blaming people many many many yrs ago. She is almost 45yrs old, it's time for her to take responsibility for her own shit. Actually that should have happened a long time ago, but never did.

Yes, I'm sure our kids didn't have the fairytale life growing up, and I'm sure they saw, heard and witnessed things that they shouldn't have, but we CAN'T go back and change it, we can only strive to be better everyday that we move forward. This is what I strive for and have for a long time.....

 

[ladee]

@She Cat , absolutely the truth! I made many ammends to him along the way. And made ammends and self forgiveness to myself by staying on my healing journey. I have forgiven myself for my life being chaos and simply not knowing what was wrong or how to fix it. Because after I knew what was wrong, I got busy .
So if these kids want to stay in their own viscious cycle, it's on them. Just like it was on us to heal our past.
Its not like we haven't set an example for healing.
I don't blame him for my needing change here. Nor do I blame myself. I just look at it now as a problem that needs a new direction.
I rarely feel hurt anymore. I mostly feel frustration that I don't know where or how to go from here.
I love him but I don't like him, if that makes sense. And I hate it that I am at this crossroad. But here I am, listening to each of you and gaining strength from the support and shared stories.
If we can forgive our self for being crappy moms, I can't think of anything more empowering than that.
As a young child I was his problem. As an adults he is his own problem. These kids do not get a free pass Because we were not Beaver Cleavers mom.
Just like we have had to do whatever it takes to heal and move forward so do they. Or not.
I Have paid my dues for not being the mom he needed.
Never ever underestimate the power and strength of a mom on her healing journey. We are some awesome warriors.
Our kids have their own journey. In a perfect world we would be there for them. But we are done being abused ,even by our children

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@ladee thank you so much for posting this thread. i had a son that was bi-polar and an hard core alcoholic that I loved dearly but did not like and then he died.

I went no contact for awhile and then reconnected. But he was such a ragealoholic that I could not bear to hear anymore.

You are right on the mark and I so needed to hear what things you have written today. Much appreciation and I wish you the best on your own healing and recovery.:hug:

 

[shimmerz]

@ladee, I hope you know - much respect to you. Brat, Recovery, She Cat, all of you.

My oldest son, the irretrievable one, that I can't even really speak about at this point, said to me not too long ago 'I don't even know why I say and do the things that I do'. If he can't understand, then I haven't a hope in hell in getting to it.

My oldest had the opportunity to get help, blew it. I think because, given the family dynamic it was much easier to deny issues and again assign his addictions, C-PTSD, etc to me. He is, unfortunately a victimizer. And without his own insight into the matter, all I am ever going to be to him is his victim.

Been there, done that, never going back again. It almost, literally killed me. I have learned that one CAN die of a broken heart. Noble, but not part of my life plan.

What I do know is that as long as I act as their punching bag, (and I am a MUCH easier bag to punch when they have worn me down), then I am not being a help to them one little bit. It allows them to continue on without hitting ground zero themselves.

I completely recognize that I played a part in their current MO. My bad. But I am not going to pay for that for life.

I can't seem to reframe the idea of going no contact as abandonment.

Ladee, this completely messes with me as well. I have a completely codependent attitude when it comes to believing I am abandoning my adult children. I have much work to do with this yet.

I am Not alone and that breaks my heart for all of us.

No, you are not. And it would be lovely if we could keep coming back here to 'let out' our frustrations and all of the messy emotions that this type of situation leads to.