Abuse From My Son

[ladee]

I read something on his FB page that he had shared from on other post.
How lonely he is. How he doesn't fit in socially, many things along that line.
And he never told me any of that. So to some degree that is on me. He feels he can't get vulnerable with me. I am Not taking this on at this stage of the game.
Irregardless it is up to him to get help. This is going to take a long time to settle in.
I am so sad for all the moms here that , in our kids minds, will never be good enough.
My sons accountable for himself. I am so tired of being the bad guy. I thought I had made progress with this. Apparently not. But no regrets for going no contact. If I am going to save me I have to start now.

 

[mamachick]

"So to some degree that is on me. He feels he can't get vulnerable with me"
I don't think it is on you to any degree. His feelings are his. His feelings are led by his thoughts, which come from his beliefs.

I recently started a meditation group of Buddhist practice, not religion. One core principal is that we are uncomfortable at times, the world does bring suffering, and it is our avoidance of pain, and our desire and cravings for all pleasure that leads to addiction and ill mental health. (Im not good at quoting off top of head, but thats pretty accurate description). Life just does not work that way. Even if he could not be vulnerable with you, it is no excuse for his behavior or not fitting in socially or feeling lonely. Nothing (no thoughts or feelings) exist inside a vacuum. He can find the answer without your taking this on.

You are good enough. I do think you are making progress. Posting all of what you have is certainly progress, compared to stuffing all of this. See your progress. (((Hugs)))

 

[mamachick]

Just remember moms, you can have life without a child, you can not have life without a mother. As painful as it is, I would rather be me than them.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@brat17 I walked away a little over 2 yrs ago. The incident in the mall was during a time she went no contact. That was maybe 10 yrs ago?!?!?! She's done it so many times, I lose count. This time was the first time I every walked away. All the other times she was the one to do it. To be honest... All the other times my heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. This time...... NOPE! I honestly felt and still do that I have done everything I could to try and restore our relationship. I tried everything, and always she blamed me, made it my fault, or created a reason to just plain hurt me.

I remember times I would go visit my girlfriend and her kids for the weekend, and call my daughter from there. She would answer the phone, I would say Hi, and she would start scamming and swearing at me, then hang up. My friend would look at me and ask, "So what does she THINK you've done this time?" The answer was always the same, " I have no f*cking clue" and then the tears would start... Not anymore. I feel free for the first time in over 30 yrs. Ever since she got with her husband @17, I've been dealing with this shit. He's in jail now, and she's living with a drug dealer and her autistic son that she would shoot up in front of. Nope, I don't feel bad at all anymore. I chose ME for the first time in yrs..... It's so empowering.....

 

[mamachick]

She Cat-well her immature behavior makes a little more sense given her age then, still no excuse of course. Your description of going to a friends and calling home sounds like my daughter for many years, particularly high school and early college. She would blow my phone up though. Now that she has been educated (is functional alcoholic), she is more proficient with her manipulative skills. Thanks for sharing...and letting me know there is hope for complete peace

 

[ladee]

This is so crazy making. I have gone no contact before but this time I am killing myself with guilt. Why? He got himself where he is. I didn't do that to him. His choices , he is accountable.
I don't feel good physically and know this is contributing. It is still so damned hot here cant get out and do anything.
Think I am going to give myself permission for one evening of self pity and start again tomorrow.

 

[mamachick]

ladee, I hope tomorrow is better for you. You can start each day new. I hate that you are feeling guilty, but I also know that feeling. I have felt unjustified guilt and shame for things I don't know, I have to remember it is just a feeling, it doesn't mean it is justified. My family of origin was all about "guilt" and often didn't know what for. I recall my mother being stressed and talking suicide, and my being the cause. I believed I was the cause of her being an alcoholic, she use to tell me I drive her to drink. So why would I not feel guilty for any suffering my children go through, even if it stems from their choices. I don't know if you can relate to any of this.

I have moments of feeling stronger, and then back to weakness, like I am hearing from you. My heart feels like it has been ripped out of my chest and I am sick most of the time. Last year I became so ill I went under 90 pounds in weight. The saddest thing is that I know my daughter would be very pleased to see me so ill.

My children may have not always agreed with me but they had a damn good life. They hated that I chose a divorce and I understand that did change their life to a degree. I admit that things got tough after I had a head injury, but if they did not have compassion by 16 and 18, I guess they just don't have it. The youngest in part of religious cult like mind control and is not really mean as she is just absent from family due to religion. That still hurts though.

Prayers that morning will bring new light.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee ok, I get that you feel guilty, we as parents and PTSD have guilt drilled into us.... Where is the guilt coming from? Exactly what do you feel guilty about? Let's try and rip this apart, to see if your guilt is justified or not....

 

[ladee]

It was about 'abandoning' him while he is homeless, jobless, and the fear he must be feeling.
I went thru all that last night and his actions and choices that put him where he is. Not my fault and not my job to fix it.
I went thru every crappy thing he has done to ME instead of focusing on being this pathetic sick mom trying to make it all better . I even wrote them down, to make myself see it for what it is and get that scapegoat monkey off my back. Being the scapegoat was my role in life. I pick it up unconciously and run with it.
What brought me back to the reality of my relationship with him, or lack of, was the memory of when one of my clients broke my leg. Long story but I called him to take me to the ER. Have no idea why I didn't ask the family I was working for or even call an ambulance.
Long story short , he took me to the ER after I waited for over an hour. He lived 4 miles from me.
They xrayed my leg, casted my legs gave me pain pills and sent me home. He dropped me off and I did not see or hear from him again for 6 months.
That was my turning point last night. Well ya Mama you have been abused.
I think, still not sure yet, but feel he is the only family I have. And I am clinging to the familiar.
In reality I am Not alone. I have wonderful long time friends that are like I always imagined family to be. Being anchored to an abusive family member is an illusion. A painful illusion that I belong to someone.
So I have a very solid starting point today. So I don't have family, not many of us here do.
Giving myself permission to take an honest look at what all he has done was good for me.
Not having family is only part of this mess I'm sure. It goes deeper than this I think. I will get there.
What goes thru my mind is our kids are supposed to love us. And when they don't then surely I am a total failure. My, how black and white I have looked at this all this time.
I felt a shift this morning. A long awaited and hard worked for shift.
I went to familiar feelings yesterday. But for me that is where my answers are. Just shows me , again, what a long journey PTSD puts us on. But another level of healing.
I am an abused Mom. I am damaged and broken in some ways that may never heal. I still try. I still get up and face my demons. I faulter. I stummble. I fall. I take breaks then I start again.
I also came to understand that of course he gets raging angry. By removing myself, who does he have to blame? Who is going to put up with all that ? Another breakthru for me this time around. And also guilt for not being there to help him carry the load. And didn't want him to feel abandoned. Truth?? Those are all my issues transfered onto him.
Eeeeew. Don't think I like seeing all this selfishness. But have to see it all. Not just the parts I want to see
@She Cat, thanks for asking the tough questions. It helped me to write it out and have it out of my head. It helped to share it. I'm so glad I knew I needed help with this and found so many of us feeling the same.
Some of you are further on this journey and hope You don't mind me asking questions sometimes when I get stuck or backpeddle.
@brat17 guess you and I are at the same place. Our awesome sister's here have a lot to teach us.
With deep respect and gratitude I thank each of you for sharing and giving me a hand up. Pure love to each of you.
We can do this @brat17. We are not alone.
Apologies for the typos.

 

[ladee]

Side note. I "like" everyones comments but this phone has a mind of it's own. See, I feel I need to "explain". I make myself tired!! Can't get to the emoticons so imagine laughing, facepalm,bag on the head and lots of hugs

 

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee When my daughter was homeless and living in a shelter, at first I was saddened. I had invited her to live with me, but twice she f*cked up and I was the one that drove her to the homeless shelter. The first time, she smoked in the building. It was a smoke free building and I have emphysema. The second time... She was trying to hide empty script bottles that she had just filled a few days ago. She is a drug addict. So, I told her to pack her shit and I took her to the shelter.

Yes, at first I felt awful, but then logic took over and I felt it was the best move I had ever made. She was in the shelter for almost 2 yrs. NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!!! She put herself there, with her actions. Which to this day she refuses to acknowledge. It's always everyone else's fault...

I'm glad that you broke things down and saw that you are not responsible for his actions, thoughts or behavior. Each of us, are responsible for our own shit and no one else's.

Hang tough and hang in there.....

 

[ladee]

Thank you @brat17 . I have a good day today. Did not feel crazy or asking unanswerable questions. It helped me to list every shiyy thing he has done. Have saved that list. Will keep it handy when I feel myself sliding.
When I am totally honest with myself, after owning why I panic and beat myself up, I feel relief.
And knowing so many of us have had to do this makes me feel stronger. My heart aches for all of us. Power in numbers.
I will be reframing some things now that I feel I have had a breakthru with @She Cat and everyone else's su0ort and experiences. This is no longer about letting him down. Its about not letting myself down. Taking ownership of putting myself in that position changes a lot of things. Hence the reframing.
How very hard it has been , some of the things y'all have had to make hard choices about. Total respect for your strength and sharing it with me.
We might end up kidless but we are going to have a bunch of sister's. Thank you all from my heart.