Abuse Survivor, Baffled By Love, Not Used To Gifts, Compliments, Etc...

[Airplane789]

Has anyone else experienced this feeling?

Growing up while having to care for others from a young age due to abusive/negligent parents/legal guardians... I learned from a young age that whatever I wanted in life I had to work for and became accustomed to negative, critical, abusive words & overall treatment. Now, after several years of total independence, while getting to know my boyfriend the past year I feel spoiled by all the love and kindness I am shown. His mother is so full of hospitality and so nurturing. I know there are always different aspects to familial relationships and none are perfect, but when I visit I feel like I am 5 yrs old at Disneyland. It is incredible. Due to the fact that my family was so unpredictably violent, I get loads of anxiety before each visit which I medicate as needed, but afterward I feel like a princess and catch myself wondering "why is she so nice to me? how is it possible that supportive parents like his could exist? how did i learn to love others, because i sure as hell didn't learn that from my bio-parents and relatives..."

Peace,
Emma

 

[Panama Pete]

catch myself wondering "why is she so nice to me? how is it possible that supportive parents like his could exist? how did i learn to love others, because i sure as hell didn't learn that from my bio-parents and relatives..."

Emma,
I can't tell from your post how serious a relationship you have with this guy. If you are starting to get serious then you might want to consider having a serious conversation with him and just tell him that you have PTSD. You might also want to try and educate him as to what PTSD really is so he knows up front just what he and you (!) are dealing with. When you do talk with him, it might be helpful to educate him as to just what PTSD is so he doesn't approach this from some misconceived notion as to just what this is. Open and honest communication with your significant other is a necessary component of a healthy adult relationship. It will hopefully make it easier for him to understand that you are this way sometimes, and not by choice and not because of him. You also just might find out that he is the right guy for you and that you now have someone to help you try and deal with this. Whether you tell him now or later, if you stay with him he is going to find out. Only you can decide when the appropriate time is, but if you wait too long and the relationship is getting serious, then you run a risk in hurting him because he may feel you didn't trust him to be sypathetic to your needs and condition. It is tough to know for sure when to do it, but like I said if you stay with him he is going to find out sooner or later. Tough call.

 

[Airplane789]

Panama Pete,

Thanks for your post. I live with my bf and it is a serious relationship. I educated him little by little right from the start in regards to my traumas and triggers, some of which come up as time goes by, and he is very supportive and understanding.

I am wondering if anyone else feels awkward when given compliments/gifts as these are from the opposite side of the relationship-spectrum compared to what they might have known most of their lives (trauma).

 

[doglover]

Have I felt awkward with compliments and gifts? Often, yes. Depends on which state is running things. One of my states just eats it up and feels entitled to it. Most of them, not so much.

Usually when I am showered with gifts I am looking for 'the catch.'

 

[Panama Pete]

I am wondering if anyone else feels awkward when given compliments/gifts as these are from the opposite side of the relationship-spectrum compared to what they might have known most of their lives (trauma).

That is not something I have a problem with, but that is most likely because my PTSD is service connected. That doesn't mean that others don't have the same issue, just that I don't happen to have it. Then again, I probably have some issues you don't since the root causes of our conditions are different. Still, it sounds to me like you have trust issues thanks to this. While you may intellectually understand that the giver is sincere, emotionally you are questioning the motives or if there is a hidden agenda (at least it appears that way to little ole me). If that is the case, and you know intellectually that you can trust the giver and their motives are "pure", then why not "fake it until you make it" so you don't hurt their feelings and then continue to work on this aspect of your condition? While normally I would not endorse a deceptive course of action in personal relationships, in this case I feel that we are really in a gray area. I call it a gray area because your intellect has already told you there is no hidden agenda in the giver, or in the giving, and it is your emotional side that is questioning things. You need your emotional side to catch up to your intellectual side in this. For what it is worth, that is my best unprofessional opinion.

 

[Philippa]

I think most people feel a bit awkward or unable to receive a compliment. Women especially have trouble with it, and I think it's something you can get better at receiving if you work on building your self esteem. We're all so used to being criticized, and it seems to be what most people do much more than they say nice things, so if we can start saying nice things about ourselves, as hard as that might be, it becomes easier to accept a genuine compliment.

 

[Panama Pete]

and I think it's something you can get better at receiving if you work on building your self esteem.

That is in line with my idea of "fake it until you make it".

 

[Tinyflame]

I used to 'happily' accept gifts 'in the moment' and then find some 'reason' to return them (to the 'giver') within 24 hours, - it was/ is (for me) self-hatred and feeling 'not entitled'. What 'worked' was when it occurred to me that it hurt others' feelings- so I tried very hard to not repeat it, no matter how I felt.
I'm getting better at it.

For compliments, you can just say 'Thank you'.

 

[Airplane789]

Thanks everyone, for your responses!

Panama Pete, I will continue to 'fake it' as you suggested because it's not fake gratitude; I really do appreciate their kindness. I am adjusting to something brand new to me- interactions within a functional, safe family environment. I also can understand now the difference between what I know intellectually and what my body might recall emotionally/subconsciously so I will ask about that in therapy.

Junebug, of course it makes them happy, I would not want to hurt anyone's feelings just because of where I come from... my bf does know about my trauma but he said if his mom knew she would be horrified.. she is very sweet and sensitive and probably could not fathom how another mother could be so different from her and cause so much destruction.

 

[LizardViolet]

I'm the supporter and my bf is the sufferer, from childhood abuse and also from combat. He is pretty good about accepting things I give him, for example if I buy dinner, or like yesterday, his refrigerator was a bit empty and I brought a few groceries over. He says thank you. He has a lot more trouble accepting affection, particularly words of affection. So while I often tell him (usually in text) that I like him, I don't say I love you. To him it's a danger sign, a warning that some disaster is imminent and that I'm going to blow up (even though that's not true). So I just don't say it.

Could your feelings be connected with your self esteem? Do you not feel that you deserve good treatment? Because you do!

 

[Tinyflame]

Probably, LizardViolet, exactly.

 

[Airplane789]

Yeah I think it is a combination of trigger and self esteem. The act of going to see family figures starts alarm bells in my head because my old (bio) family was so violent, and they were also verbally abusive and taught me that I did not deserve such treatment... So it just takes some getting used to. But like I said, this isn't what I would call a problem. I feel very lucky to have a good therapist and to have finally gotten rid of toxic people from my life so that I may begin to enjoy the happiness that comes with having positive, loving people in my life.

It just leads me to wonder if my bf's parents will ever find out how bad my parents were. I mean I am sure it will come up some time. It's not every day that you meet someone who hasn't spoken to their parents in 3 years. Unless you work in some specific field... hmm... He and I have been together almost a year and thankfully they have not asked me any questions (yet).