K
K L
Ok, I really need something - all the family lived in the same town. I hope this makes sense it's the first time I'm really thinking about all this.
I have been getting depressed since I was about 6. I always been told I was spoilt, etc by family. My family abandoned me when I was 6 for about 3 years. Mum went abroad with my 2 older sisters and younger brother and sister and my dad just nowhere to be seen maybe once a month twice a month sometimes a few days sometime not.
I cant even remember what he said to me (but I cant remember my parents saying goodbye, from being tucked in by mum and dad to nothing. (this bits really foggy, cant get a timescale in my head over the years) and went to the local school, lived at my aunt and uncles with 6 kids (one younger the rest older)
So at my uncles I was molested by the eldest son (at the uncles house and his house), I remember that and remember saying in the car to my dad 'so and so' touched my willy, (the uncles are my dads brothers) so he stopped the car went back inside and said to his brother about it I guess.
So after a week maybe I move to my 2nd strict uncles and aunts (my dads sister she had brain tumor, bed ridden in the house but could talk at first then deteriorated) 2 kids, girl my age boy couple years older. I told him about it, he convinced me to show him and then carried on making me do stuff to him, even in front of his poor mother when she couldn't talk, she was awake (that haunts me thinking about it, I felt immense guilt all the time I saw her), cos they were older it was kind of a given that you had to do what they say and I was so young and I didn't know how to stop it.
Then he must have told the other cousin who did it first, then and when I would stay over and sometimes move back there he make me sleep in his room and make me do stuff same room as his younger brother who had a tumour behind his ear who died (I never went to the funeral cos all this, but I don't know if I would anyway). So one night his younger brother hears us, waits for his brother to go to the toilet and then says he's gonna tell unless I do it to him, and also used it as an excuse to slap my back as hard as he could anytime anywhere no one was watching. If I yelped, the pain goddddddd I would get more and he would tell on me for the things I was doing and they both kept it from each other by the way.
So that was my sleepovers and I actually had to move back there a few times, but the same when I got back, bribing me but making me think it was ok. This happened on and off for the whole time, auntie was getting sicker.
So I moved to granddad (war veteran) and housewife grandma her son and wife and 2 kids, both older. I told him and he said show me (like I said you had to listen to the older one than you, parents were hardly ever around for majority of time) so I did it and he used to think it was funny to piss in my mouth. I moved around these different houses easy twice in each one the same thing happening.
All the uncles were physically abusive, differing in their torture methods, the chicken (arms under your own legs and grab your own ears, the ripping your ears about, the ripping hair off your sideburns, off the back of your neck, pinching, verbal, naked baths (that ones weird I remember him forcing my towel off when I refused to lower it) he said he wouldn't look but he did.
At school I couldn't make friends cos if they did one thing like, from what I can remember talk to a girl I liked, talked to someone I didn't like, answer the teacher question before me , basically anything I thought I didn't like, I would kind of my opinion would change of them, like they were suddenly a bad person, that was with everyone unless they were older, then I kind of freeze up and obeyed.
Then magic, mum came back, sisters and brother and dad, and we all moved south together.
I was relieved cos I was not being abused any more but just before I saw her and my brothers and sisters I remember thinking now I'm finally going to feel happy, and they came through and I remember not being happy and being emotionless but I thought that I would be happy, I was expecting them back for a couple weeks and I was sure this would make me happy and it never did.
I never felt love for any of family from then on, not dad, not mum, they could have stopped that stuff happening. I kind of got special treatment after that, she would make it quite obvious that I was her favourite then wouldn't say to anyone but would to me, I don't phone them for personal reasons ever and don't speak to my other family at all and in fact it happened in this home a few times again when they came to stay for a week.
The things that I had to do, have made me run them through my mind, after moving away and every time I do that I feel numb, like blank, maybe heartless.
so I fast forward I'm getting through secondary school (my dad and mum were so focussed on my education made me want to rebel I never listened entirely to what they said, you know, even from when I was in first year of secondary) I was mid range on my grades, no intention of listening to anything he said after school (in my head that was my freedom)
After school, started smoking hash - brilliant I could blank the memories with this stuff. So I never stopped since and I'm 28 now. 3 college flunks.
So I met my girlfriend she was age 15, I was 18 (and I waited 6 months till she was 16) been together almost 10 years, she knows nothing about this, I feel like I wont be them man she wants and I will break down if I tell her I know I will, when I think about this stuff I get angry numb emotionless I don't know what to do.
Over the years people would have said something as a joke between themselves or with me or something I overheard or on tv or radio and would trigger one of these memories, and she would never know its happened cos she doesn't know and I would be angry with slightest thing after that, and over the years she's tried to press what's the matter and I've closed right up and got more and more emotionless and smoke more and more weed, maybe a couple 4 years ago she cheated on me because I was so emotionally unavailable I was told. I was devastated, I mean the one thing that I could trust gone, hurts thinking about it, the one thing that I thought would never break, broken
I moved to my parents, 4-6 months of heavy smoking and every penny on cocaine, my dad tried to start a business, my brother and I smoked and sniffed it away into nothing.
She calls out the blue wants me back we start talking, really is sobbing, crying her eyes out, tells me her mum says if I'm the guy I will comeback.
so I did, and I mean I really fell for her again, this time nothing could go wrong, she was drinking loads and I got a job with her dad for 2 and half years up until we both lost the jobs and I was binge drinking prob 6 nights so she would only be able to have half the bottle. I was emotionless and only had black and white military style thinking come to think of it (throughout my childhood up until now) got her pregnant, Alisha now almost 3 years old, and again Jacob now almost a year.
But my trauma never went, it still eats away at me if I'm not stoned.
So I smoke, she used to when we first met, so we don't get along not slept together this year, and I cant bear to tell her why I'm like this and she's given up and no more chances for me. And I wish I could just shake it off, but everything reminds of my childhood now, my kids, tv, people talking, her talking, like she might say don't be gay and it will flash me a memory of something, its like it doesn't affect me as much as it used to because I know its coming if that makes sense. I expect to hear something to remind me of the past so I stay emotionless and it doesn't hit me as hard.
I really don't know what to do , I cant do this without her and I feel like ending it all.
And I feel the need to be liked by everyone but not to be judged and am defensive, so she calls me a chameleon and I tried explaining to her saying I think it was when my parents moved away and where I want everyone to like me (but that's all she knows).
To her: my parents abandoned me and I was hit by my uncles, that's all she knows.
About 6 months she's so closed off to me and I don't know what to do or say, she snaps at everything I say or do now, I'm just in a never ending unhappy spiral
There's probable more but if I keep rereading this I will just get upset again.
I have been getting depressed since I was about 6. I always been told I was spoilt, etc by family. My family abandoned me when I was 6 for about 3 years. Mum went abroad with my 2 older sisters and younger brother and sister and my dad just nowhere to be seen maybe once a month twice a month sometimes a few days sometime not.
I cant even remember what he said to me (but I cant remember my parents saying goodbye, from being tucked in by mum and dad to nothing. (this bits really foggy, cant get a timescale in my head over the years) and went to the local school, lived at my aunt and uncles with 6 kids (one younger the rest older)
So at my uncles I was molested by the eldest son (at the uncles house and his house), I remember that and remember saying in the car to my dad 'so and so' touched my willy, (the uncles are my dads brothers) so he stopped the car went back inside and said to his brother about it I guess.
So after a week maybe I move to my 2nd strict uncles and aunts (my dads sister she had brain tumor, bed ridden in the house but could talk at first then deteriorated) 2 kids, girl my age boy couple years older. I told him about it, he convinced me to show him and then carried on making me do stuff to him, even in front of his poor mother when she couldn't talk, she was awake (that haunts me thinking about it, I felt immense guilt all the time I saw her), cos they were older it was kind of a given that you had to do what they say and I was so young and I didn't know how to stop it.
Then he must have told the other cousin who did it first, then and when I would stay over and sometimes move back there he make me sleep in his room and make me do stuff same room as his younger brother who had a tumour behind his ear who died (I never went to the funeral cos all this, but I don't know if I would anyway). So one night his younger brother hears us, waits for his brother to go to the toilet and then says he's gonna tell unless I do it to him, and also used it as an excuse to slap my back as hard as he could anytime anywhere no one was watching. If I yelped, the pain goddddddd I would get more and he would tell on me for the things I was doing and they both kept it from each other by the way.
So that was my sleepovers and I actually had to move back there a few times, but the same when I got back, bribing me but making me think it was ok. This happened on and off for the whole time, auntie was getting sicker.
So I moved to granddad (war veteran) and housewife grandma her son and wife and 2 kids, both older. I told him and he said show me (like I said you had to listen to the older one than you, parents were hardly ever around for majority of time) so I did it and he used to think it was funny to piss in my mouth. I moved around these different houses easy twice in each one the same thing happening.
All the uncles were physically abusive, differing in their torture methods, the chicken (arms under your own legs and grab your own ears, the ripping your ears about, the ripping hair off your sideburns, off the back of your neck, pinching, verbal, naked baths (that ones weird I remember him forcing my towel off when I refused to lower it) he said he wouldn't look but he did.
At school I couldn't make friends cos if they did one thing like, from what I can remember talk to a girl I liked, talked to someone I didn't like, answer the teacher question before me , basically anything I thought I didn't like, I would kind of my opinion would change of them, like they were suddenly a bad person, that was with everyone unless they were older, then I kind of freeze up and obeyed.
Then magic, mum came back, sisters and brother and dad, and we all moved south together.
I was relieved cos I was not being abused any more but just before I saw her and my brothers and sisters I remember thinking now I'm finally going to feel happy, and they came through and I remember not being happy and being emotionless but I thought that I would be happy, I was expecting them back for a couple weeks and I was sure this would make me happy and it never did.
I never felt love for any of family from then on, not dad, not mum, they could have stopped that stuff happening. I kind of got special treatment after that, she would make it quite obvious that I was her favourite then wouldn't say to anyone but would to me, I don't phone them for personal reasons ever and don't speak to my other family at all and in fact it happened in this home a few times again when they came to stay for a week.
The things that I had to do, have made me run them through my mind, after moving away and every time I do that I feel numb, like blank, maybe heartless.
so I fast forward I'm getting through secondary school (my dad and mum were so focussed on my education made me want to rebel I never listened entirely to what they said, you know, even from when I was in first year of secondary) I was mid range on my grades, no intention of listening to anything he said after school (in my head that was my freedom)
After school, started smoking hash - brilliant I could blank the memories with this stuff. So I never stopped since and I'm 28 now. 3 college flunks.
So I met my girlfriend she was age 15, I was 18 (and I waited 6 months till she was 16) been together almost 10 years, she knows nothing about this, I feel like I wont be them man she wants and I will break down if I tell her I know I will, when I think about this stuff I get angry numb emotionless I don't know what to do.
Over the years people would have said something as a joke between themselves or with me or something I overheard or on tv or radio and would trigger one of these memories, and she would never know its happened cos she doesn't know and I would be angry with slightest thing after that, and over the years she's tried to press what's the matter and I've closed right up and got more and more emotionless and smoke more and more weed, maybe a couple 4 years ago she cheated on me because I was so emotionally unavailable I was told. I was devastated, I mean the one thing that I could trust gone, hurts thinking about it, the one thing that I thought would never break, broken
I moved to my parents, 4-6 months of heavy smoking and every penny on cocaine, my dad tried to start a business, my brother and I smoked and sniffed it away into nothing.
She calls out the blue wants me back we start talking, really is sobbing, crying her eyes out, tells me her mum says if I'm the guy I will comeback.
so I did, and I mean I really fell for her again, this time nothing could go wrong, she was drinking loads and I got a job with her dad for 2 and half years up until we both lost the jobs and I was binge drinking prob 6 nights so she would only be able to have half the bottle. I was emotionless and only had black and white military style thinking come to think of it (throughout my childhood up until now) got her pregnant, Alisha now almost 3 years old, and again Jacob now almost a year.
But my trauma never went, it still eats away at me if I'm not stoned.
So I smoke, she used to when we first met, so we don't get along not slept together this year, and I cant bear to tell her why I'm like this and she's given up and no more chances for me. And I wish I could just shake it off, but everything reminds of my childhood now, my kids, tv, people talking, her talking, like she might say don't be gay and it will flash me a memory of something, its like it doesn't affect me as much as it used to because I know its coming if that makes sense. I expect to hear something to remind me of the past so I stay emotionless and it doesn't hit me as hard.
I really don't know what to do , I cant do this without her and I feel like ending it all.
And I feel the need to be liked by everyone but not to be judged and am defensive, so she calls me a chameleon and I tried explaining to her saying I think it was when my parents moved away and where I want everyone to like me (but that's all she knows).
To her: my parents abandoned me and I was hit by my uncles, that's all she knows.
About 6 months she's so closed off to me and I don't know what to do or say, she snaps at everything I say or do now, I'm just in a never ending unhappy spiral
There's probable more but if I keep rereading this I will just get upset again.
